What's wrong with me?

I've never talked to anyone about this but have thought about it for years. First time on these forums. Reaching out and hoping someone somewhere has some insight. <3

I'm not really sure where to start. I was 18 I first had sex. Now I'm 25 and I've had over 40 sexual partners, mostly one night stands. I've worked as an exotic dancer and a webcam model, all in secret, like this weird double life that no one knew about. I have rape fantasies and often have dreams about it, which are sometimes hot, and sometimes terrifying. Always dissociate during sex and sometimes feel so guilty and ashamed it's hard not to cry. I've never had an orgasm with another person, only myself. Watch tons of porn. Men have always been like this game to me, something for me to win and conquer and use.

Now I've been with the same guy for over a year (a long time for me) and I'm starting to feel so lost. Having sex has become this chore, this thing I have to do every couple weeks. I can't even look at him during. I just go somewhere else in my mind and then fake an orgasm when I want it to be over. I'm so incredibly lonely. He says he loves me and I feel like the worst person in the world.

I'm trying to figure out how I got to be like this, but I can't. My life has always been fine and normal and I only have happy childhood memories. So what's wrong with me? Why am I so messed up??

You have never had sex. that is the problem.

You USED sex to play certain games with men.

But you have never had sex. Which is why you cannot orgasm with anybody but yourself.

Which is why you dissociate.

You need to at least stop faking orgasms because it is very stupid. I am not sure it warrants leaving the partner altogether to figure out what you really want at this point, but at least do him and yourself a favor and start being a little honest.

Having a double life as an exotic dancer in secret sounds totally benign by itself, though. Dissociation during sex sounds ... not benign at all.

Oh Lady bless your heart. I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I'll offer what thoughts I can.

In my experience here, most of the people I've read of who dissociate (particularly during sex, though not always) are doing so as a result of trauma. Dissociation is a sort of psychological defense employed by the brain to avoid the reliving of painful or traumatic memories. Wikipedia (not the most reliable source, I know, but it's all I have ) does mention it is possible for people to dissociate under intense "conflict or boredom," so trauma is, using Wikipedia's standard, not strictly necessary. Is there a point from when you first became sexually active in where you can pin down where things started to change? Additionally, while it might be hard to talk about, can you tell us a little more about why you feel guilty and ashamed, especially if that's been going on for a while? Your reasoning could help us.

How do you feel about your current BF? You told us how he feels about you, but not you about him (minus the sexual aspect, but my hunch is that the problem with him isn't sexual in nature but emotional). Additionally, how did you feel working as a dancer or model? Sorry to offer so many questions instead of answers, but I think with some additional information, I can offer you more.

One thing though that I can certainly tell you as of right now is that there is absolutely no need to be ashamed or guilty, and you are very far from the worst person in the world. Please, don't think either of those things about yourself. A "bad" person wouldn't be sitting here trying to begin the arduous task of self improvement, would they? You're human, just like the rest of us.

I hope, in time, I will be able to be of help to you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

My sympathies

It might've become a chore because its only one guy, before it seems like you've had a large variety and you've just become bored with the same thing over and over again.

I understand where you're coming from with one of those situations (although I will not mention which one on here where it's public).

But maybe you should try some role playing or something like that. A relationship isn't all about sex ya know. So if you love the guy you should stay with him. Maybe you two can even agree on having an open relationship.

Open relationships are for people who like each other but want to like other people as well.

They are not for people who are incredibly lonely with their partner and do not have any reason to stay with that partner other than not wanting to hurt the feelings of said partner.

Relationships aren't easy and after a while the newness goes and along with it the sex. You need communication between you both...you need to learn each others bodies...this is something you can't do with a one night stand...that's just a thrill. But a relationship takes time and work...don't think everyone has magical sex every time because nobody does after awhile.
Bringing things as mentioned before like rile playing dressing up...going out on a nice date with a meal etc to rekindle the feeling of wanting... It can be done...I've done it. And I started having empty hollow sex when I was young so I do understand

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if you stop faking orgasms, you will instantly start feeling a little better about yourself. Apparently, you feel like the worst person in the world because you are unable to reciprocate his love for you.

If you stop faking orgasms, you won't reciprocate his love for you still, but at least you will be treating him with the minimal human decency, by being honest about something that is very important to both of you. If you start treating him with the minimal human decency, you will gain some self-respect, enough to at least stop feeling like the worst person in the world.

On an unrelated note, how old is he? He sounds inexperienced if he has not caught a pattern of faked "orgasms".

Why do you feel that you need to dissociate during sexual congress?

Where there's smoke...

Your post pulls at my heart and screams "trauma" to me too. I hope you can talk it through with a pro. You deserve care.