Unsure of what do to

This is kinda odd for me. I've never spoken about this to anyone except very recently my doctor but I am looking for input from other who can empathize. I am in graduate school for criminal psychology and while doing a paper I came across a disorder called female sexual dysfunction disorder. I am not usually one to diagnose people or myself because it seems everyone has a little of some disorder but as I read this information it clicked in my brain.

I began having sex at 17 and in 32 years I have had 16 partners. I have not enjoyed any of these sexual encounters but not because I didn't want to. It has been a frustration for me my entire life and I just thought it was me. I value self control very highly and am not one to ever lose control so I thought my control issues were to blame. That I just wouldn't let myself go enough. Now I don't think that's it. I have been married 2 times and both have cheated on me. There is never a good excuse for cheating but in their defense it's hard to stay faithful to a woman who has no emotion in the bedroom.

I am getting married Saturday to a wonderful man (K) who has rapid cycling bipolar I disorder. He has an extremely high sex drive. Until this man I have never really been that bothered by my lack of emotion during sex but now...it really bothers me. I don't want to lose this man for any reason. I find him extremely attractive and have no issue desiring to have sex with him. All the correct reactions and feelings are there at first but as we get further into it they just abruptly stop and don't come back no matter what I or he does. I am able to orgasm but only sometimes and usually simply because he hit the right spot and it just happens but it's never incredibly satisfying the way it should be.

I went and spoke to my doctor about it and she prescribed Wellbutrin for depression and it's supposed to help with all those feel good feelings as she put it. I will admit that I can feel a bit more than I did before and the last couple times we had sex I did orgasm when he was on top which has never happened before.

I would just like some input from others who know about this as to what has helped them the most. I have a 39 year old man at home who still has 6 pack abs and incredible biceps and dang it I want to enjoy him!!! Please help!

Well, it is exciting that Wellbutrin worked. I would not have expected it to work in your case, because an antidepressant (Wellbutrin is a unique AD in a class of its own, with no other members in that class) is supposed to help with depression, and depression is a condition that passes. It might take a long time, but not 32 years. You were unable to enjoy sex for 32 years, which is too long to blame depression for it. You were unable to enjoy sex with either of your 16 partners, and this number of partners is too high to blame that on incompatibility with any particular partner. So it is an issue with you. I think you are on the right track blaming your desire for control. Since you have been married, and have had enough partners to not call you inexperienced, and, since you report all of that in neutral, cool terms, you do not seem to be suffering from shame, guilt, or any other facets of being sex-negative, which hinder enjoyment of sex in so many people.

So it seems that yes, self-control is the thing. I would have recommended marijuana to get rid of excessive desire of control and go with the flow and get in touch with yourself etc. but seeing that you are in Indiana, which has some of the toughest laws criminalizing pot in the country, I won't.

Maybe you can try mindfulness and meditation, to the extent that they, too, like marijuana, enable SOME people to loosen the grip on CONTROLLING themselves and, instead, start OBSERVING themselves non-judgmentally. Or, maybe try having sex immediately after returning from a really intensive cardio session - the physiologic state you will be in (if you are, like many people but not all, affected by the rise in your heart rate) will change your state of consciousness, and you might be able to go with the flow and release self-control. There are also breathing exercises that purport to change the state of consciousness, but I do not know what they are because I find breathing exercises boring. You are basically describing an experience of stopping yourself mid-flow and not permitting yourself to change the state of consciousness ("All the correct reactions and feelings are there at first but as we get further into it they just abruptly stop and don't come back no matter what I or he does."). All the ingredients are there - your motivation, your finding him attractive, his high drive, his biceps or whatever it is that you like in his physique, etc. Everything is there, you just need to loosen the grip on self-control.

Again, I am glad that Wellbutrin is helping a bit, but if it does indeed fully resolve your problem, you will need to publish a paper with a case study on how an AD has fully resolved a purely psychological problem.

LOL... I will indeed publish a paper if such a thing happens. It has not completely helped but a little. I could also contribute the little change to my return to being more pleased with him. As we all know a women's sexuality is often tied to her emotional state of happiness with the relationship. It has not been an easy road for our relationship and it is just now getting back to a point where we enjoy being around each other again. That might have a tad to do with it also.

I in absolutely no way can use pot as a cure since I work within the department of corrections. They tend to frown upon that....and put you in jail. Somehow I don't think that would help further my career any and I'm pretty sure the judge would not see sex as a reasonable excuse...or maybe he would..who knows. Thanks for the advice I will take it to heart and try some of the things you suggested.

I am sorry that pot is not an option. It improves my sex life a lot.

You are wise to hypothesize that reconnecting emotionally could have contributed to the improvement as much as Wellbutrin. Or, more .