wife molested as young girl and can' orgasm

Hello. My name is John-Mark and my wife's name is Faith. I'm 23 and she is 21. We've been married for two years. She has never been able to orgasm. She was molested as a very young girl on multiple occasions, which we believe is the leading cause of her inability to orgasm. She also believes that some girls never have orgasms, never will be able to, and maybe she just physically can't. I strongly disagree. I have told her that if she thinks that way then she won't be able to. I have tried to get her to masturbate, so she can learn her own body. She's tried several times, but was unsuccessful each time. She says it has always been this way, ever since she was in her teens. She says she doesn't feel guilty about what happened to her, or that it's her fault yet every time she feels like she is getting close to having an orgasm, she gets a sick feeling. She has also said that I am the only person she has ever actually enjoyed having sex with, but she still gets that same sick feeling if she starts to get close.

I have tried everything I could to help her. However, recently she told me she has no desire to have an orgasm. She just "tries" because she knows that I really want her to. I asked her why and she said she hates that sick feeling and scared of the feeling after that. She was raised in a christian home and is still a christian. I think that also doesn't help things and adds to the guilt, even though she says it doesn't. She does think watching porn is bad and doesn't understand why people watch it. I also found her asking a question on yahoo answers related to this subject. This is what she asked

"I've never had an orgasm before. I think part of that has to do with being molested when I was younger. But I'm 22 now and married to the best man. I have tried everything because I know it bothers my husband that I can't orgasm too. I have tried masterbating, both penetration and clitoral and I have also tried with my husband. I do enjoy what stimulation and pleasure I feel but when I get close to what I believe is the climaxing point I always get a sick feeling and right afterwards get overly sensitive and have to stop. Someone please tell me what is wrong with me!!!"

I think that it is more of a chore for her and feels like I'm pressuring her to do have an orgasm. She told me she doesn't understand why it bothers me so much. I just want her to enjoy herself. I feel being unable to orgasm leaves a void in a a sexual relationship. She is missing out on so much, but I don't want to add pressure on top of everything else she feels. I don't want her to feel like anything is wrong with her and that she is inadequate. I've thought about going to a counselor but we're young and don't have a lot of money. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks everyone for your time and replys.

-Sincerely John-Mark

John-Mark, I have had my ups and downs with orgasms and I too was molested. I'm sorry that I do not have any suggestions or advice for you...but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I'm in a spell right now where I don't want to have sex or even masturbate--orgasms just don't seem appealing to me right now. But, I've had times in the past where I've enjoyed sex and was able to have an orgasm but I did have to have clitoral stimulation to do so--still felt good! So, you are not alone....oh, btw, therapy helped....D.

I have tried to get her to masturbate, so she can learn her own body.

Before i go into a more in depth response, i believe it's important for you to stop these attempts right away. Ill go into the reasons once i've also mentioned this quote:

I think that it is more of a chore for her and feels like I'm pressuring her to do have an orgasm. She told me she doesn't understand why it bothers me so much. I just want her to enjoy herself. I feel being unable to orgasm leaves a void in a a sexual relationship. She is missing out on so much, but I don't want to add pressure on top of everything else she feels. I don't want her to feel like anything is wrong with her and that she is inadequate.

First of all, you're both very young. You've yet to understand all that sex has to offer and what it means with further experience. However, it appears to me that your wife already knows her body. She says that she enjoys sex up to the point of climax - if she can get to that point then yes she may well be capable of it but whether there is a physical, psychological or combined reason for her not quite getting there it appears to me that she enjoys sex enough without needing an orgasm. Orgasm isn't the be all and end all of sex - anyone who say's otherwise is either lying or has an inferiority complex. I think what's clear from this post is that the issue is more important to you than it is to her. She isn't missing out on anything because she's already said she enjoys it, and yes you ARE pressurizing her by making a bigger deal of this issue. Trying to get her to masturbate is probably the worst example of this. Yes, sex has to be enjoyable for both parties but i think this is more about you feeling like you're not doing a good enough job than worrying that there's a 'void' in your sexual life. Learn to deal with your own insecurities and in time sex is not only likely to be better and more meaningful for you both, but she might even be capable of climaxing.

Partner sex is an existential experience of human connection and not a party aimed at making people come. Since she enjoys sex with you, she does get to experience the human connection and is therefore being perfectly fine. The sooner you stop pressuring her into doing ANYTHING (including having an orgasm - what a ridiculous idea to press somebody into having an orgasm against her will - an oxymoron), the sooner she just might orgasm on her own, eventually. Just stop talking about it and start to simply, purely enjoy each other's company.

Also, when you tell her that she is missing out, you are defining the experience of sex for her. You should not do that - she can define the experience for herself, and will probably revise her definition many times as she goes through life, but you should not do that for her.

Agree with Spockette, also.