Sexual thoughts cause anxiety

This is really weird for me to post here and it kind of sounds weird to me to admit but here it goes!

Over the past few years I've been developing severe anxiety. This affects me socially but also has been bothering me with sexual desires. A long time ago if I felt sexual feelings I used my imagination to deal with them. But the problem now is that I get anxiety when it happens. I think it is some sort of compulsion (?) but when I think about someone I like sexually I get anxious and think, "You're not supposed to think about that." (like for example, about my T) and then struggle/fight with the thoughts back and forth (admitting, not admitting etc.). I think this is what they call "Pure ocd" because it seems I get into these mental loops of thoughts. Another problem is that I tell myself that people can read my thoughts so I "purposefully" avoid them (like sexual thoughts). My T and psychiatrist think this is a symptom of anxiety and I tactic I use to avoid things (I don't have hallucinations/psychosis). None of this stuff started until my family member threatened to kill me (VERY CONVINCINGLY) and when I was in a state of psychosis from the trauma, they said they could "read my mind". From then on I told this to myself even though I know perfectly well it's not possible. I had EXTREMELY strong intrusive thoughts all day for days on end from the event and it was excruciating to go through. It wasn't until I got away from the family member that the ocd/intrusive thoughts stopped. But it seems I use the "people can read your mind" excuse for everything. It sucks because instead of experiencing the feelings (and things like sexual urges) I shut down and suppress ALL feelings. I don't know why I still use that idea but it stops me from having ANY pleasant sexual thoughts. And it's getting more and more suffocating. I don't even masturbate hardly any at all which sucks because I'm not in a relationship so that's my outlet for now (fyi I'm a virgin). Anyway, this is pretty embarrassing but I have no clue what's causing the anxiety about sexual feelings. Any help is appreciated!

There are a lot of deep issues.

The obvious advice is to make peace with the idea that your thoughts are being read FOR NOW - as a stopgap measure (stopgap=something that serves as a temporary expedient).

In other words, if you think it through and just accept that yes, people do read your sexual thoughts, but... it is OK - it is not frightening, and is not catastrophic for you. So they know your sexual thoughts - it is no big deal. You are not planning to kill anybody - how bad can sexual thoughts be, after all?

Plus, there is some truth to it - when you say that it is impossible to read someone's mind, you are not being quite correct. People do read others' minds, from time to time - I certainly do. What happens is that people read the wealth of non-verbal expressions, subtleties, body language, voice modulations, gesticulation, etc., to gain insight into the minds and feelings of those they communicate with. Plus, we read eyes A LOT. That the English language has evolved to include the expression "eyes are window to the soul" attests to that fact. And here is some science to support that:

Scientists discover that eyes really are 'the window to the soul' | Mail Online

Sexual thoughts are probably easier to read in another person than non-sexual thoughts.
So there is some truth to it - just accept it and stop worrying. Your T is not going to be embarrassed after learning your sexual thoughts (if your T does get embarrassed, I would personally de-license the T if my input on professionalism is ever requested).

Of course, in the long term, you should deal with the aftermath of psychosis and surviving a real threat to your life. But as a stopgap, just accept it and stop worrying.

Also, exercise helps anxiety.

PS

I will give you a real life example.

When my first baby was born, I was staying with friends. The family had grown children as well as teenagers still living at home. So, a lot of children. The woman - the mother of those children - gave me a little cradle-type black box in which she used to keep her oldest son when he was a baby (her oldest son was one year older than me, so the cradle was old, but sturdy - she bought it from a British company called "mothercare" that sells high quality equipment). There was also some kind of a receiving blanket to cover the newborn.

When the woman gave me all of that, she looked at me and must have noticed the fright in my eyes - I was afraid that the baby would suffocate. She then said: "Take the blanket, press it against your face, and breathe through it. See - you can breathe through it. Just as you can breathe through it, so can the baby. The baby won't suffocate."

I did not tell her that I was afraid that the baby would suffocate - she read my fright on my face, because our faces express our thoughts and feelings, even when we try to cover such thoughts and feelings by appearing nonchalant and remote. Of course, she must have not only read my fright, but, quite possibly, related her own experience from back then - maybe she, too, was frightened that her first son might suffocate, so she easily recognized the fright in me.

This is an example of reading one's mind in a non-sexual realm.

There are many more.

Apparently, and this is tangentially related, from what I have been hearing and reading, people on the autistic spectrum cannot read minds as easily and cannot express themselves as easily either. And, there are skills training classes for them, as attempts to teach them both to express themselves and to read the nonverbal expressions of others. So it is generally accepted that it is possible to read someone else's mind at least to some extent - otherwise those skills training would have been nonsensical.

Hi leefy

I had that problem of thinking people could read my mind but probably happened more in my youth when I felt vulnerable. In regards to suppressing sexual thought I had this problem too. You said you shut down? I truly believe that things that went wrong in childhood will sabotage us today as adults. We may shut down, get severe anxiety, major depression or have panic attacks for example. I believe in 80% of people that experience mental illness today is a result of the devastating consequences of childhood abuse.


For me personally I have had sexual malfunction and suppressed sexual thoughts and pleasure in adulthood. But as I work through my childhood sexual abuse I am healing. I also notice there is a correlation between working through the childhood sexual abuse and my sexual health improving as an adult. I’m more open-minded now about sex, I’m less inhibited about the thoughts I have and I’m enjoying sex a lot more! Food for thought.