[SUPERupset]

This is a long post, but i'd like to hear from anyone, even someone without the time to read it all, so at the bottom of the post i included a summary outline. If your one of those that wants to help but dosnt have much time, reading the summary should suffice.

About 10 years ago, when i was a 13-14ish year old boy, I unwittingly came across a comic on the internet about a father and daughter who had sexual encounters together. There was no rape involved, it was purely a fantastical realm of existence where teenage girls actually enjoyed having relations with there fathers or brothers... It was basically an incest porn comic site.

Keeping it a secret from everyone, I slowly started looking at almost nothing else but this site, and soon other sites that depicted the same type of fantasy. This was all only cartoons and comics, I didnt get into looking at non-animated pornography that involved incest until my later years.

At the time, I was young myself, and never thought about the fact that i was imagining young girls having sex, because they were the same age as me (in my head at least, they never put an age to the people in the comics for obvious reasons)

Briefly, i'll put in that I grew away from this at around 17, and at 18 i found a girlfriend who was deeply religious, and for 2 years made me feel horrible about having sexual feelings of any kind until we got married. We broke up just before i turned 20.

After breaking up with that woman i started getting back into my incest fantasies, I was living alone and grew to be borderline agoraphobic, leaving my house to get groceries and check the mail, my parents payed for my place. for a full year i stayed in my house, played video games, and watched pornography. Almost nothing else. I spoke to no one unless i had to, and that in the shortest replies i could get away with.

It was during this time that i became very afraid for my sanity, became deeply depressed and full of anxiety, and was more confused than i can describe in words at why i was feeling so much fear all of the time.

That time in my life could be reserved for another thread in a different category on the forums. I only bring it up so you know the backstory - and even though this is already a very long post, thats nutshelling it for ya - for this:

I'm afraid of children. I got over my agoraphobia, I'm living with good friends, i live laugh and love and am generally a happy person again, I only occasionally look at pornography of any kind, I used a therapist to grow out of that. But i'm afraid of kids. When i look at them, I feel a deep fear in my stomach that i couldnt explain until tonight. After bugging me to the point of straw and camels back, I went into deep meditation and sorted out this feeling, and realized that this fear began way back in the day, when I was a kid looking at those incest comics.

I remember telling myself at around the age of 14, "your looking at father daughter incest, you know this is wrong, what if you become a dad one day and this desire carries over to reality for you? Well, that sounds like a problem for future me..." and i continued looking at it. I'm feeling that i buried a fear of turning fantasy into reality deep inside me, like a timebomb, which is now being released, since i am future me. I dont have kids yet, but when i'm around them, I'm afraid.

I dont feel sexually attracted to kids, i never think of them that way.
My fear is aimed at any kid of any gender aged around 14 and younger.
I avoid playing with or talking to kids in those age groups, because i feel a general sense of fear when i do and i dont like it.
even though, again, i dont feel sexually attracted to children, I DO associate my fear with sex in a general sense, thats the best way i can describe it without writing another book for you guys.

My self analysis is that i'm dealing with years of bottled up fear and guilt over the fantasies i got myself into, that i really dont have any problem with pedophilia, and i just need to find a way to make myself realize that so i can feel normal around kids like my little brothers and sisters, or cousins or even just randoms that i happen across in daily life. But it's just that, a self analysis, and this is such a serious topic that i need some feedback from an outside source. a therapist is not an option right now but i believe some discussion with anyone about this will help me clear it up.

The biggest questions in my mind are:

Am i a pedophile of any degree? Am i the only one going through something like this? Will I ever feel normal around kids again, or did i mess myself up permanently?

SUMMARY

I've been dealing with a general fear of children that i believe stems from childhood experiences that i inflicted upon myself by means of pornography. I'm not sexually attracted to children, but i'm uncomfortable around them and i fear that i may lose control of my body and commit sexual acts with children, and i want this fear to stop because i feel that deep inside i'm not a pedophile.

I dont feel sexually attracted to kids, i never think of them that way.
My fear is aimed at any kid of any gender aged around 14 and younger.
I avoid playing with or talking to kids in those age groups, because i feel a general sense of fear when i do and i dont like it.
even though, again, i dont feel sexually attracted to children, I DO associate my fear with sex in a general sense, thats the best way i can describe it without writing another book for you guys.

So I'd like to know, am i a pedophile of some kind, am i the only one experiencing this, and is there a way out of this for me? I'm very worried and depressed about this and need some help. Thanks for listening guys.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I do not believe you are a pedophile. As you said, you are not sexually attracted to kids. I don't think this is anything to be afraid or ashamed of bringing up to your therapist if you have one. This sounds more just of an attraction to the "wrongness/kinkiness" of incest, not the age of the daughter/son. That is certainly normal for many people. Your fear is understandable, but you know that because it worries you so, and you don't want to do wrong with your own kids, that, should you have them, you never would do anything with them. if that makes any sense....