So confused... Need help badly

Hello, I am a 22 year old male who is feeling very lost. I am extremely shy and it is taking every ounce of willpower I have to open up like this.

I'll start by saying that I like women beyond a shadow of a doubt. I went through a couple month long phase when I was 16 where I thought I was into guys, but I think it was just to please my girlfriend at the time (we were into this whole hippie peace and free love thing yada yada, idk, she liked it) it didn't last very long and I have not thought about other men like that since. I have had many girlfriends in the past and still fantasize about beautiful women all the time.

But I still have this illogical, irrational fear that I'm gay. I don't understand where this is coming from. I'm not the most masculine guy, my voice is not deep, my muscles are not big, and my fashion sense is kinda... questionable. I feel like everyone is judging me and thinks I'm gay and hiding in the closet. I really wonder sometimes but when I think about a relationship with another male and imagine it, I'm actually quite disgusted by the thought. I always dream of women at night.

But here's something odd. I have noticed when I masturbate to porn, I must have a good looking man (preferably well hung) doing the girl. I am completely turned off if the male is not quite up to par. What does this mean?

And I have saved the weirdest for last. I often wish that I had been born female, and have fantasies about being a girl. But even in these fantasies, they never lead to me doing a guy or anything -- I just want to be a girl. I have no desire to have any sexual relations with a male at all in these dreams. I look at my female friends sometimes with jealousy that they are so beautiful and I am just this ugly, smelly guy.

Sometimes I live out my fantasies of being a girl by playing online RPGs, and choosing a female character and pretend to be a female in real life. It feels very fulfilling when I attract male attention and they call me "babe" or "darlin". I even flirt with them sometimes, even tho I have no desire to flirt with the real thing face to face. It's a pretty harmless way for me to be what I truly want to be without getting judged or ridiculed. But it has lead me to question my sexuality and now I just don't know what I am anymore.

I have lost ALOT of confidence over the last couple years because of this. It has turned me into this unrecognizable shell of the person I once was. My self esteem is borderline zero, and I am a loser now who goes to work and comes home and doesn't talk to anyone for weeks on end.... But that is a topic for another forum.

P.S. I live in Montana where it is still pretty much a lynchable offense to be gay. Just thought I'd mention that.

Thank you so much to anyone with help for me!

Hey. First off thank you for having the courage to open up. I do not think that you sound gay. Less them mister muscle man, masculine, maybe. That is ok. I have had many male friends who are less then masculine, sharp dressers, spend money on skin care and hair care. Beyond a shadow of a doubt they are male though and into women. Some have gotten married others have not.

As for the pron thing, well who wants to see a not so well hung guy in a pron. Not me. I like to see large dudes, and heavy chested girls, but that doesn't make me lesbian. The naked body is an art form. Pretty is pretty regardless of your sexual orientation.

As for the dressing like a female, or fantasizing about being female. I don't know. Sounds a little out of tradition. But who says sexuality has to follow tradition. You can like what you like. Just like a female liking football or NASCAR. Who says it is not ok. It is ok. It is what you like.

If you are attracted to females, and you prefer to have sex with females and the thoughts or having sex w/ males is repulsive then to me that sounds like your answer. You are not gay, you just have fantasies and preferences that are outside of the norm. And again there is noting wrong with that. Take a look around in this forum and see if there is anything else about fantasies and fetishes. It sounds more to me like you are dealing with a fetish. Have you tried putting this in the males only forum. You might get more answers there from more males.

Hope you find the answers you looking for here.