a question about dating - just aimlessly curious

Duh. Sorry i had a moment there.

Why? Is it like a weakness to you? Or just personal preference since you dont spend a lot of time on your own appearance and wouldnt want your partner to? I guess since i wouldnt even consider putting a girl as undatable for that reason, it seems strange to me. Then again, its hard to find any girl around my age that doesnt follow trends and stuff, so thats probably why haha.
Different kinds of muscle? Whats a twitch? Im guessing it has to do with having an advantage in different sports but if someone trained in the sport, wouldnt they eventually develop the right muscles to play that sport?

Maybe. At the same time wouldnt there be something that stands out about the chest that could help his wife identify him? Or was the torso that typical? Haha. But more anonymous then his face, i guess.

This is great hahaha

Oh how we all have our moments here and there!

very true on all counts

It seems like a weakness as in "insecurity, lack of solid sense of self / identity", yes, but I acknowledge Roadkill's take on it as well (see above). Some people like it and like the feeling good and not just looking good. And, 45 minutes a day is not hours at the gym.

Another thing is about what a man is doing with his life. Since I expect men to be doing something worthwhile with their lives, if they are spending too much time at the gym (outside of training for something), then the question is - why do they not have something pressingly and overwhelmingly interesting to occupy them enough so that they would NOT have so many hours for being at the gym...

There is also, and most definitely, a search for commonality, and I hired a lawyer (who turned out to be great) based on that. I interviewed a woman who seemed all OK, but her professional look (a suit), her make-up (way too much and the kind of make-up that clashes with the natural look of the face rather than accentuates, subtly, the natural look of the face, and I hate that kind of make-up with passion - I am not against all make-up, no!), her costume jewelry (uninteresting, uncreative kind of costume jewelry that you would expect to see with her formal suit and such make-up as she wore... let me explain by saying what it was NOT: not bohemian or vintage or anything worthy of note in my book - mass-produced costume jewelry yuck yuck yuck) all put me off.

And I hired a wonderful guy whose shirts are a bit wrinkled and whose jeans do not exactly fit him well (are a bit relaxed, just a bit off).

And, I am very happy with him because he and I are cut from the same cloth. I do realize that appearance correlates with work performance - just as he does not care enough about having well-ironed shirts, and, just as his nails are trimmed too short because he apparently does not like trimming them so he trims as much as he can, so, also, he...

...sometimes forgets where he puts this or that document...

...sometimes is a bit late if I meet him in the office at 9AM...

...but the outcome is still fine - he gets the work done.

I realize that the woman in costume jewelry probably never forgets where she puts documents...

...is probably never late...

...but it does not mean that the outcome would have been better with her.

And since I am sometimes a bit late... and, not always is my hair completely detangled (it is detangled, but not completely)...but, I also do get the job done at my work...

...I prefer to deal with people who are a bit sloppy and yet get the job done since with such people I kind of feel more comfortable. More at ease.

So appearance reflects personality. So for now, since I care enough not to have a lawyer who looks too neat, I certainly care enough not to have boyfriends who are too neat and polished. Or, god forbid, preoccupied with appearance.

That said, since I do get messages from younger men on OKC, and some of them have several photos such that on a couple of them I see their muscles, and on others I see their faces, and, their faces do not appear dumb at all, I say to myself: these kids are not at fault. They are fine people who might be interesting, nice, and all the rest of that. Their culture expects them to be this way, so one should not discriminate against them based on that. Imagine yourself living under that kind of pressure from mass media.

So hopefully if I keep thinking along these lines of not discriminating based on appearance, I will eventually reconcile myself with the notion of dating guys with waxed/shaved torsos. I will keep you posted .

I know very little about it. I know about this guy I described above and my two children. This guy said that he trained so much as a sprinter (sprinting=all-out short term effort) that he developed the sprinter twitch, and that later he could not change the sprinter twitch into long-distance runner twitch (I am not using the right terminology - this is something I heard a few times several years ago).

My son: skinny, 6 ft, very well coordinated (played competitive badminton - a tennis-like racket sport that, like tennis, can be played 1:1 or 2:2; requires speed of reaction, jumpiness, and a whole host of other things but not that much strength). Played competitive basketball for his college (so, high enough level). Eventually stopped since the coach required ALL of his time - he struggled with keeping up with the academic assignments. So he stopped. Now he wants to train for a marathon. He has the right kind of legs - very skinny. To your point about developing whatever the right muscles are per sport - to the best of my, admittedly lay, understanding, no. Say, my son, after several years of playing basketball, still does not have a body of a typical basketball player. He still has a body of a marathon runner...

My younger daughter is doing competitive gymnastics (3 hour training sessions 4-5 times a week). She has the right body for that: very short, muscular, and flexible. Her legs are not long, but are perfectly shaped. She was always the shortest white kid in her classroom (of course, some Vietnamese girls were shorter, but that is genetics). Her muscles did get stronger and more defined through her training, but it is not that she was not muscular before she started. The sports just developed and added to her inherently strong musculature. Her older sister is tall and skinny and has the same kind of legs as my son - skinny. I remember somebody wrote it about Julia Roberts' legs - that they are simply long and skinny. Same for my older daughter - her legs are simply long and skinny, but not outrageously shapely. Legs that are outrageously shapely are so shapely thanks to the underlying muscle structure. So, if you do not have the underlying muscle structure, there is not that much you can do. If my older daughter takes gymnastics (she does not want to because she is too lazy for that; plus, she is too tall), she still would not get her younger sister's legs. She would never get her younger sister's legs because she simply has a different build.

genetics genetics genetics

genetics genetics genetics

It is a big similar with weight - the society believes that you can control weight, by and large. Well, not quite, and, in part, it is because of genetics genetics genetics.

So, with sports, what is probably happening is that people SELF-SELECT into what they are good at. Short muscular girls self-select into gymnastics because they are good at it from the start. Skinny boys with good endurance self-select in long-distance running. People with superior coordination (they are Chinese, usually) self-select into ping-ping (table tennis).

And then, once people find a sport that is right for them because their bodies are naturally good at that sport, they improve and refine what they got in the first place (genetically).

This is true. Ive dated girls that spend hours doing their hair and makeup and picking out clothes, and they usually arnt super interesting people. At least, not to me. I dont think pop culture, magazines, clothes, makeup etc is really interesting in general.

Costume jewelry? What the hell is that? Like fake pearls and cheesy green gems? That doesnt sound professional at all.
My mom is huge on judging on appearance. When she was picking out therapists for me, we went to meet so many people. She would look them up and down and, even if they were nice and seemed to be good therapists, if they were wearing the 'wrong thing' or had the 'wrong look' she dumped them. I think you can tell about personality via appearance but not that much. It was ****ing insane.
I do use makeup and clothes to put people into categories though.

Isnt online dating a little weird? At least at first? It kind of seems like flipping through a magazine of people to me haha.

Huh. Ive never heard of any of this. I guess i though people could be good at basically whatever they wanted. Guess not haha.

I agree about it all being genetics. I've never heard the term "twitch" but I do know what you're talking about. Typically runners, basketball, tennis players, anything that requires a lot of endurance have a completely different type of muscle than body builders, power lifters, gymnists, football or baseball players would have which require a lot of explosive strength. As a rule of thumb, you can often tell by the shape of the muscle. Typically endurance muscles are somewhat short, narrow and have a longer tendon. While not particularly strong, they can go all day. Explosive muscles tend to be longer, wider and have shorter tendons. In other words they seem to stretch all the way to the joint. They're not as fast and don't have the endurance to run distances, but they can run sprints pushing a truck. Its not impossible for someone to do both, but they will always excel at the one best suited for their muscle type. But it really does always come down to genetics.

That probably a lot more info than you wanted. Please excuse.

No harm done. Now I know about muscle twitches

No, it was perfect. Thank you for an explanation that is both detailed and lively.

Yes to fake pearls, not to cheesy green gems. Fake pearls + some kind of big pieces made of metal that looks like silver or gold, but is clearly not silver or gold, and shines WAY too much (real, old gold is not particularly shiny).

That sounds horrible. No jewelry is better then that.

Why do you expect that? What if I just want to lie in bed all day and watch cartoons? I understand how this makes one undateable, but the only other option is just to conform to someone else's needs for the express purpose of acquiring a date with them.

Wouldn't that be dishonest of me?

I think I agree that would be dishonest if that were the only reason you changed. But the thing I've noticed is often the thing that causes me to change and the things that keep me changed are two different things. So while it may seem to be dishonest in the beginning because of my motivation, it wouldn't always be so.

I can see what hamster's saying and agree. For me, it all goes back to compatibility. What am i willing to bring to the table and what is she bringing to the table? If I want to lay around and watch cartoons all day, that's great, but what am i bringing to someone's table who loves rock climbing? I should be focusing my attention towards someone who would share my love for Buggs Bunny and amaze her with my 60 inch LCD and sick surround sound. I realize that's somewhat extreme, but...

The promlem I have with dating is that I may seem compatable for a little while, only to realize that in reality I'm not. For example, not long ago I met someone I had been communicating with on-line, off and on for almost three years. We met in person once a couple of years ago and the whole bipolar thing scared her off back then because of a bipolar family member she was having a lot of trouble with. I can understand her apprehension. But even though we didn't date, we still stayed in touch and that was fine. She had everything in the world going for her and I felt like she and I were both bringing our best to the table which all looked great. Soon after we started seeing each other regularly, I realized she likes to drink. There's nothing wrong with drinking as I drink on occasion myself. So that's not a deal breaker. But I noticed she drank a lot... every time we were together. She often became very obnoxious and argumentative the more she drank. She quite often went out of her way to find things about me to criticize (there are plenty) and would hold on to it beyond embarrassment and on to humiliation. Needless to say, it didn't work out. If I need to be kicked, im quite proficient at kicking myself. So even though we were compapable to an extent, apparently we weren't comparable enough.

Anyway...

It would be dishonest.....& it would NOT be right...you need to be who you are & the other person needs to be who they are....if it's incompatible....then it shouldn't be & there is no reason to try & force something by being fake.

I know this is about dating.....but after dating the guy I dated for 6 months, I started seeing things I didn't like when we had talked about getting married......I listed my expectations & I expected him to be just as honest so that we could honestly decide whether it was reasonable to end up getting married or now. Like his normal passive aggressive self, he agreed with everything.....but fought me constantly about every one of those things after we ended up getting married. I tolerated it for way too long because I had my career to hide away in & had no interest in being any part of the dating scene again.....but it was like living in hell.

I have a right to have the expectations that I have because they usually have a lot to do with my interests & where I am in my life & what is compatible with MY LIFE & there is no point in wasting my time or theirs dating someone who I have nothing in common with. It's not that the other person isn't nice.....but then again, my stbxh was NICE.....but not compatible & that just doesn't work

@HamsterI don't know what riding a horse you do, but competitive Dressage riding horses I do, to me is all about communication between horse & rider that has NOTHING to do with sex but perfecting the athletics it takes to perform the sport so that when we compete together, we end up with decent test scores. In the rest of our life together with my horse, I enjoy the unconditional love bond like what I enjoy with my dogs. Nothing sexual about that kind of relationship.

If you can talk about the cartoons in interesting, insightful ways, then you will be deemed datable, in my book.

A guy I interacted with over an assignment (had video conference but haven't met) sent me his topless picture without me asking one. He wanted me to comment on his abs. I'm not attracted by such acts but find them disgusting. Did he do right thing?
He was asking about exchanging pictures but I didn't send mine. This was his first pic

No, he didnt. If he tries to ask for your pictures again id tell him to back off.

"Sorry, but I thought that you and I were just supposed to collaborate over an assignment.

I did not know that I was also expected to comment on your abs. I feel that I am out of my depth since I really cannot offer any comment on your abs... none at all. Please do not send me more pics, OK?

No, I do not mean to hurt your feelings, no! I simply cannot comment on abs.

Oh, and, just as a suggestion - if you really need comments on your abs, why ask me, a lay woman?? Go to a personal trainer for a professional consultation. I am sure it would be money well spent..."

Eskie, a woman rides a horse sitting the way she would jumping a man. That is all. But it is a very simple, straightforward association. When the guy who is my friend of 25 years, and, in the past, a lover, met his future wife who rides horses and has a business in which she keeps horses (as well as ponies), his editor (the guy who was responsible for publishing his book of verse) said: "WOW! A woman who rides horses... I can imagine what she does in bed... Wow!"