Contrary To My Personality

So Mrs Webgoji is in the thralls of her sexual peak (which ain't all bad ), but as we've been married for 13 years, she wants to spice things up. That's cool by me, but there's one (well, maybe more than one) thing I'm having trouble with.

She wants me to be more dominant in the bedroom and get rough with her. That just goes against my whole personality and is very difficult for me. I've always been very respectful of her wants and needs, not wanting to hurt her either emotionally or physically, so when she wants me to throw her down and "ravage" her, it turns into a gentle controlled push and snuggle.

Talk about awkward.

I tend to slow down so I can make sure she has an orgasm before me. It's what I've done for 13 years now and can count the number of times on one hand that I've reached orgasm before her (and less than that when she didn't have an orgasm at all). This means I back down and am less forceful which she now wants.

Okay, enough rambling. So does anyone have any ideas how I can start to be more dominant in the bedroom? Just kind of a step-by-step thing so I can build my confidence up to be more aggressive without stopping myself? My concern over making sure she is pleased is making me have trouble pleasing her ... weird huh?

Try a new toy like a paddle or a beginner's flogger (not that scary and I bet she'll go for it!). Last night I used a flogger for the first time and though I was really nervous I enjoyed seeing him wince and I knew it didn't cause too much pain because I was communicating with him to make sure he was feeling all right. And then I decided to let him try it on me which is unusual because I thought that would scare me even more, but I trusted him and it actually felt so amazing the way he did it so very gently and he spanked me as well. And this is coming from someone very sensitive to pain.

A painless way to be rough with her is through bondage. You can buy restraints that either hook up to bedposts or you tuck them under the bed, but you can restrain her and bite her or use the flogger on her.

The most important aspect of this is open communication. If you act out a scene with her, keep asking her how she is feeling, if she needs you to go harder or gentler, if she wants you to go faster or slower. That is so important. It is important because she knows you respect her and don't want to push her boundaries.

You should ask her what kind of roughness she's talking about and ask her for specifics. If she wants props involved, maybe you both can have fun looking. Ask her what's the ideal dominance she's looking for. When you're ready to act on it, you both will know this is simply role playing. How do you shift into this dominant role - its like acting in a play sort of. You're still having her tell you what pleases her, so its okay. Tell her to let you know when she wants this shift and you also let her know when you're going to take on this role.

I do not understand the dominant submissive stuff at all, but do understand the desire to be passionately wanted. to me, it seems that the wife expresses that desire when she wants you to throw her down and "ravage" her. It is not about domination. What this seems to be about is that she is tired of being catered to (you postpone your own orgasm to make sure she orgasms first etc.). She simply wants to be wanted, passionately and with abandon. I do not know if it is indeed the case, but it seems to be the case based on what she said about being ravaged. And, she did not mention buying objects - she just wanted to be thrown down. Ask her, of course, but it seems that she simply wants to be desired rather than catered to. If she confirms, then all you want is forget about trying to please her and just enjoy her with passion. Then, you do not need a step-by-step guide at all - there are no "extra" steps for you; you just skip worrying about pleasing her and that is it.

I forgot the name of this French writer... but he was a famous French writer who wrote a series of short novellas...

...so I will just tell the story as I remember if after 25 or so years that have passed since I read it...

...so there is war...

...and the king and his men are away...

...and the queen is at home (the home is a palace, of course)...

...for some reason, the king's chief helper (do not remember his title), in full military ammunition that was a uniform so everybody wore the same, including the king, pays a short visit to the palace before going back to join the soldiers... why - do not remember...

...and he makes love to the queen who thinks that she is making love to the king because he does not take off his ammunition...

...apparently, she had been the object of his silent, unconfessed love for a long time before the war began, and on that visit to the palace, he takes advantage of looking like the king...

...he makes love to her almost in silence, interrupted only by his moans (which are described by the French author as being very virile - his voice is low, powerful, rich and all the rest of that - picture that)...and then leaves the palace to join the soldiers...

...they win the war and everybody comes back home...

...including the king...

...and the king resumes making courteous, respectful, servile love to his queen...

...except she cannot care less for all of that...

...she wants him to go back to the man who made love to her with sheer abandon, never asking her idiotic questions about how she wants to be pleased...

...but she does not know how to tell him (and, in reality, since the knight who made love to her in that spectacular fashion was a different person, there was no way she could have told him, anyway).

END OF STORY

Is this kind of a story in need of props? well, yes, if you can buy knight's armor, then yes, it does...

Is this kind of a story in need of, ahem, communication? No, to the extent that communication is a two-way street. In this story, the knight might be roaring the words of his love and desire for the queen, which is a one way street. He does not ask her how to stimulate her organs, that is for sure. He does not check with her on how she is feeling. To put it this way - the knight is not looking for any input from the queen - he is just loving her passionately. Maybe he calls her by her first name, repeatedly but with a somewhat different intonation each time he utters her first name - that would be very passionate, but still would not require her input.

And that feels great to her, period. Better than anything else.

Because, going back to your situation - you made sure she would come first. Undoubtedly, you are a nice, polite, wonderful man - no question about that. But, to tell you the truth, orgasms can also be achieved via masturbation. A woman can masturbate towards orgasms no problem. But she cannot have the kind of unbridled passion from a virile man who loves her with abandon... by masturbating. For that kind of thing, she actually needs that MAN. No masturbation, no toys, no props, no high-tech tools with Wi-fi enabled, no nothing can replace that MAN.

Well, um, dressing up and role playing, is actually akin to the Dom/sub lifestyle.

So, if I were the OP, I'd perhaps, have a talk with the Mrs. and find out, specifically what she wants from the fantasy of being dominated.

For some, it's about a new lifestyle. And for others, sadly, it's reenacting something from a painful past, and that may need to be addressed in therapy, as to avoid any 'flashback' moment.

Wanting a little more force, isn't that uncommon, as it sounds.

I agree you could be more forceful even without props and its best to ask your wife, what's the ideal scenario....ask for specifics. Maybe you could start out with a his and her night - meaning one night is how you like it and the next is for her. You can also agree she can stop anytime she likes so as not to offend her. BTW has she read 50 Shades of Gray? Good luck.

The reference to knight armor's being like props was facetious. In this story, nobody - nobody, neither the queen nor the knight - plays any roles. Both are being authentically themselves.

I am not saying that role playing is bad, though. I am just pointing out that the story was not about that.

Plus, back to OP...

...you count the number of times you orgasmed before your wife did with pride, as one would share an achievement...

...if I were your wife, I would be seriously - seriously! - worried that you did not love me. Liked me - sure, respected me - sure, treated me well - sure, and all the rest of that. But did not love me with passion.

This is because a man who loves a woman passionately often cannot restrain himself in order to not to come before she does. A man who loves a woman passionately cannot take his hands off her...and, to continue this thought, cannot "censor" himself enough not to come before she does.

Just saying that what looks like a big accomplishment to YOU might be worrisome to HER.

Thanks everyone, that gives me some things to think over. Heh, or maybe I should stop thinking and just do ...



Hmm ... thanks again!