I don't know anymore

Its taking a lot for me to write this...a whole lot. Wish you could see how much my hands were shaking right now. Well first let me say I have tried talking to people in real life about this but the talks never go anywhere. They all say I am being dramatic, want attention, I am not confused and I'll be ok. But I am not getting ok, I can't remember when the thought of killing myself has night been in my head now or the many times I have sat in my room and cried because no one seems to listen. I have learned people online tend to listen more than people in real life so here it goes.

I know what gender I was born and like all parents mine made it clear to me which one I was but I never really felt like what they told me I was. I am a girl - born one and still am one but I never felt like one. While my sisters put on makeup, learned to do their hair, and played with dolls; I could always be found outside getting dirty, playing baseball and getting just as rough as any boy even in a dress. They thought it just a phase and I would grow out of it but I never did. I stayed a tomboy and went I got my first period - I wanted to kill myself but I didn't want it. I just didn't. I didn't want to be a girl, I wanted to be a boy and at the same time I don't want either.

I don't know if any of this is making sense to you. It sometimes doesn't make sense to me and its always in my head. As I got older it got harder for to keep relationships and talk about this to anyone. I am scared so scared of what they might do or think about me.
I don't know if I am gay, straight, bisexual, a boy, or girl anymore. I have sat in my room for days sometimes thinking about this to the point I make myself sick and throw up from it. My head is always hurting with these thoughts and I don't know what to do anymore. I have thought of killing myself but for now I have stopped myself from doing that.

I am girl and yet I am not. I am not a boy and yet want to be. I am unsure of my sexuality anymore. I am unsure who I am anymore. I don't dare tell my family or even friends about this. My family already thinks something is wrong with me and I don't wish to worry my friends.
I have seen only doctor and he was no help. If anything he made it worst and tried to put my on meds. It gets to the point that I just sit in my room and cry until I feel some relieve or throw up.

I don't know what to do anymore. Can anyone give me some advice or help me?
Please.

Uknown, I grew up in a predominately male household so I have always identified with a masculine role. I was a major tomboy-wore my hair short and you would never catch me in a dress. I played boy's baseball instead of girls softball until the 8th grade. I acted like the people around me and they were all male. Things changed when I started my period and I started to develop sexually. I knew it was normal for me to be attracted to boys--although this was all complicated by childhood sexual abuse. I remained a tomboy but I considered myself to be straight. I was attracted to women but I always put it out of my mind and refused to accept those ideas because I was taught they were "against human nature." There was a point where I embraced the idea of being a girlie girl. I did make up and my hair and dressed more or less like a girl. That was a short lived period and the entire time I did not really want a boyfriend but I did go through the motions. When I hit 22 I could no longer deny my attraction to females or my female gender, but I still held onto the notion of being straight so I labeled myself as bisexual even though I was only dating women. I came to the point where I embraced the role of being a lesbian. I loved the idea of finding out what women's breasts looked like (I still sorta do but I don't think that makes me a lesbian). When I hit my late 20s I swung the other way and dressed like a man. I refused to accept the role of being a woman. Somewhere along the line I met a man and for the first time I enjoyed sex with a man. I slowly started dressing more like a woman and took on a more feminine gender identification. But, when I broke up with that man I returned to dressing like a man and identified my gender as male. Therapy and some understanding women helped me realize that my gender bending was okay and a natural part of my development as a person. Currently I identify myself as a woman but I still wear a lot of masculine clothes. I have come to realize clothes don't identify my gender. LOLS, one thing I like about being a woman is the luxury of carrying a small purse--it's much easier to carry around all my stuff LOLS. I have run the full gamut of gender identity and sexuality labels. It's been a roller coaster ride but I finally feel comfortable integrating my male and female gender identification. I tell you all this to let you know other people go through what you are experiencing--you are not alone--it's a natural process of "figuring" yourself out. Please, don't think there is something wrong with you because there is not anything wrong with you. There is hope that you will resolve your gender sexual identity. Follow your heart regardless of what other peoples' opinions are...you will find peace.....D.

You should look up your local pflag or lgbtq group in your area. From there you can get recommendations for therapist who specialize in gender identity and meet others who are experiencing similar things. I think once you have a community to back you, you will feel better about expressing yourself. It helps to be in a safe environment.

Goodluck!

Welcome to PC UnknownScaredFace - thank you for sharing and sorry this is troubling you so much. This is a safe place to share. Decades ago, doctors and people didn't know much about this topic and they felt very alone. Please don't think of suicide - you are the way you are and its okay. I don't know how old you are - if you're very young I suggest you may have to wait a bit, to know for sure if your feelings change. If you're well into your 20's you should find a therapist who specializes in gender related issues.

Its great this topic is more accepted in todays society so others don't feel so isolated. You're not alone in feeling this way and its okay to have these doubts. Here's a good link:

PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays

hi there. I saw your thread. I feel badly for you. I know this must be terribly confusing. I just want you to knw you don't have to be a girlie girl to be a girl. I have never been a girlie girl. I often shop in the mens department. The clothes are more affordable an I like them. I have never palyed with dolls, wore make up, or wnated to wear dresses. I remember playing with the boys and playing with tractors and cars. I took shop classes in school. I can weld, drive tractors, work on motors. There is nothing wrong about being well versed in the male world. I absolutely love my cow boy boots and work boots. I recieved make up as a gift and have a very hard time wearing it. It just feels to girlie. So I don't wear it often. I never fix my hair up. But I am undoubtedly female. I am married to a construction worker. And he embraces my knowledge of male things. It is nice to be able to send me to the hard ware store and know I will make it back with the right things. I have 3 kids, and a husband. I am a stay at home mom. But I still do guy stuff. My H loves someone to do guy stuff with.

It is not terrible being geared more towards male likes. I was able to find someone who finds that quality unique and who likes it. There is hope. Finding a good T might help. Keep talking to us here. We are a very open group of folks and I applaud you for haveing the courage to speak up on this matter. Best of luck to you dear.

(((unknown ))) I can relate to your post, I was a tomboy, too. Don't feel pressured to label yourself. Just be yourself & let people get to know you for you.

Society place expectations on gender roles and tend to feel alienated when these expectations are not met. Boys are meant to be dirty, rough, like sports and play with their GI Joes while arguing they're action figures instead of dolls. Girls are expected to be clean, fancy, better mannered than the boys and like dresses and barbie dolls. There's nothing wrong with those who do meet these expectations, but they're also nothing wrong with those that don't because at the end of the day we are individuals with individuals likes and dislikes and gender cannot be so easily defined by these expectations, or even your anatomy.

It's possible you could be transgender, personally identifying as a male while physically being born female. I can't say. I can count on one hand the number of transgender people I've actually talked about on the subject and admittedly know very little. On the flip side you could just be a tomboy. I've felt a stronger connection with the female gender than I have with my own. It's especially shown with how well I written for female characters and how many people have commented that I come across as a female with just the way I express myself. I even like to have a good cry when I'm feeling sad, runny nose notwithstanding, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I agree with ringtailcat, just be you.