59 yr old boyfriend addicted to teen porn

Hello, I am new to this forum. I am an attractive 49 yr old and my boyfriend is 59. Our biggest issue is his constant porn use. I even moved out and left him over it, because he kept lying about it. I even went to far as to put a keylogger software on his computer. The problem is I see everything he is doing. He is also watching teen porn - a lot of it. Now, honestly, our sex life is great (3-4 times per week after two years). But he even had the gumption to tell me that if I took care of him more this wouldn't happen.

We have talked about getting back together, because I really love him, I am tossing this around in my mind. I think porn use is totally inappropriate and has no place in a loving and honest relationship (which is what he says he wants). He has practically begged me to come back - but he won't give up the porn - ever. I have read so many times how it's normal for men to watch porn. What about the women in the relationships? It's not all about us just being insecure. He is 59 for gods sake....looking at 18 yr old girls and watching videos? So, the dumb question....is he somewhat mentally ill and should I move on?

Hello, piscesgirl and welcome to Psych Central! Although we all have our opinions about porn, I personally don't see it as a mental illness. That said, I suggest you consider posting in the Sex forum here to see what folks say, and perhaps in the Relationships forum. Please don't be surprised if you get a variety of responses. Of course, ultimately what you decide about porn and about your boyfriend will be up to you.

Again, welcome!

Welcome to Psych Central. Glad you found us. Yes, you will be the one that will have to decide if you can live with him being a porn watcher. He is obviously, not will to give it up. Don't, however, let him guilt you into believing it's your fault. Only he is responsible for his actions. Hope you get some help in the other forums. Good luck.
Gayle

You guys are incompatible. Love, a feeling, is not worth much. Love, an action, is worth more. But do you want to live with him the way he is? No, you can't live that love. You guys are incompatible.

Welcome to PC. Ultimately porn is not evil, or inappropriate, or anything else, in and of itself. It is porn. People watch it because it turns them on. I don't think that just because someone watches it it means that they are not committed to having a loving, healthy relationship. It means that they watch porn. That is all. And it has taken me a very, very long time to realize this.
However. That said, a lot of times when people enter into relationships they do not negotiate. They assume the other person wants the same thing as them, and that it looks the same, and so a lot of things go undiscussed, like sexual compatibility, porn consumption, turn ons (and offs), deal-breakers, financial management styles, etc. The kinds of things that are seriously fundamental in long-term relationships but are rarely discussed when things start heading in that direction. I think it's more a question of, Can you live with what your boyfriend brings to the table? He has been honest enough to put it out there that he will not stop watching porn. Kudos to him. At least he's not promising something he will later on be breaking and lying to you about. But you have rights too. And it's totally unfair of him to say stuff like, If you took care of my needs I wouldn't need it. (And then tell you he won't stop watching it no matter what...completely contradictory.)
So yeah...ultimately as Hermit says it's about compatibility, not who's right and who's wrong. Are you happy and can you still love him if he never changes? Because it sounds like he doesn't want to. And if the porn is a deal-breaker then I think you should seriously reconsider getting back together, no matter what your feelings for him.
Hopefully we can support you here no matter what you decide. All the best.

Hope you find the support you need to deal with the challenges you are facing!

I'm a 57 year old male, I love porn. All kinds of porn, teen, milf, mature, girlfriends, rape, etc. You do realize that the teen models really are not teens right? Any way leave him alone, that's his pleasure. He is not breaking any laws. For me I prefer porn because I don't need or want the intimacy. I can fake the intimacy when I have to but prefer not to. Enter my porn. What's the big deal? At least he's not out banging other women. Perhaps you need to look at why you feel insecure about his porn? Just a thought. I don't see a problem with porn unless some one makes it a problem.

Porns pretty bad for you from a scientific perspective. Most people are addicted and have no idea. They can't even forego porn for a few weeks. And if you can't go without something, if its compulsive like that, it's an addiction. Plus I mean it makes normal sex boring by overstimulating dopamine receptors. My biggest issue with the porn industry is that it directly responsible for very much child trafficking. Children! Child porn searches are going through the ROOF nowadays, and when theres a demand, there's a supply. If its teens, don't think for a second they're not being taken and forced into it either. Some of them just like sex, some like easy money, but some (and you won't know which) are being forced to do it.

Make a deal with him. See if he can forego porn. If he can't, he may well be on the road to sex addiction.

eating is addicting too, can you go without eating for a few weeks? how about visiting this forum for a few weeks. Stop drinking coffee for a few weeks? Smoking? Drinking? Having any kind of sex? Talking? Bathing? Just because it's addicting or some one likes it and enjoys it is no reason to claim it must be bad for every one. Why are so many people bent on making this wrong or bad? I think some of us are trying to impose their morals on others.

I think we need to distinguish between porn viewing and masturbating.

Masturbating is fine and perfectly healthy and a safe way to express your sexuality.

Porn, in and of itself, is fine if it is legal but it does sound like he is addicted to viewing it. Then it becomes a decision of the OP whether that's something she is OK with.

If not, move on.

Pretty much gonna agree with the other posters, with one caveat: Just because of his age, is no reason to sweat out that he watches 'teen' porn. As it has been established, these 'teens' are anything but, since it is illegal to make any type of porn movie if one is underage. That said, personally, as a 54 year old woman, I very much enjoy looking at men younger than I am (not teens of course, but in their twenties, early thirties which most of those 'actors' are) and not necessarily because I would entertain the idea of having sex with them. I do appreciate a nice physique and a handsome face. Funny, but if women likes looking at younger men, they're 'cougars'...but if an older man looks at younger women..they're 'dirty old men'. For women to think that way especially since we ourselves have been victims of double standards for so long, seems a bit harsh.

At the end of the day, if the sex is good (and if he says you need to 'give him more' to prevent his porn watching, it is patently untrue but he clearly feels the need to defend himself over something, honestly, he shouldn't have to defend himself over) and he treats you well in every other way, and you're in love with him, then as everyone else above has said, it's up to you. He's been honest. Be honest with yourself. If you can't deal with it, then don't...it's not fair to either of you if you are miserable trying to either contol his viewing or looking the other way.

Btw...there are many very well made-for-women porn films. Not saying you should investigate, but before you toss the baby out with the bath water, you might want to dip in a toe to make sure it's too hot.

THe point is if it is a dealbreaker for you, then going back would be a mistake. If he is looking at teen porn it would make me wonder if he is looking/and or with....some teenager.

Hi Pisces,

You describe a standoff: you've made our demands and he has responded. Your call: do you stay and keep mum, stay and continue to try to control him in this one (?) area of his life, or leave?

Revue2

To me, the main issue is respect. I am not particularly interested in porn, but hold no judgements towards those who are (save illegal, naturally). If his consumption is such that he's hiding it of course that is a HUGE issue. Points to addiction, as secrecy does in most habits. Can he acknowledge that he cannot stop? Or that you mean more to him than this "hobby"? No, you should absolutely not compromise your comfort. Clearly, porn is part of his life. If he were to respect certain boundaries would you accept this? And I do not like the pressure of performance that this puts on you. How do you feel about yourself?

eh... breathing - you cannot go without breathing for a few weeks. That does not mean that breathing is addictive!

While I agree with your general train of thought (and simply took it to its logical extreme by using the example of breathing, which, unlike smoking, is completely non-negotiable), I would suggest that you stop throwing terms like "eating addiction" around - the research on "eating addiction" is very skimpy and not water-tight at all.

Let us just say that MOST things that are crucially important to survival - eating, drinking fluids, breathing - are needed more frequently than once every several weeks. So the idea that porn is addictive simply because one cannot go without it for several weeks is bizarre.

I do not have personal experience with porn - just commenting on the obvious logical flaws.

what a great idea coming from someone who is actually in the know.

Oh, and that thing that because he is 59 he should not be looking at younger women... but would looking at 30-year-old women be OK?.. how about 25?... still OK? If so, where do you draw the line? How do you draw the line?..arbitrary, right? Usually, when something is so blatantly arbitrary, it is best to give it up altogether...

just saying...assuming that, as others who are actually in the know mentioned, it is adults posing as teens and not actual teens.

Teen porn is made for older men if I'm not correct. As a younger guy, I never seek teen porn specifically.

You can do what you want but comparing watching porn to eating is not the same is it? You need to eat to survive, you don't need porn for survival. Interestingly, anybody who thinks they needs porn is addicted.

As someone who's been watching porn for years, I agree with this. I don't believe in making porn illegal, people should have choice. You don't ban alcohol because some people become alcoholics, but porn addiction sneaks up on you and it has affected how I view women. Not saying it will do that to every man (or woman), but porn won't be watched by me again.

One thing I can say for sure is that it was incredibly rude and insensitive for him to tell you what he did.