[Simon72]

Hello all!
I have been with my wife for eight years, and during that time our sex life has taken quite a beating and has often been stuck on the back burner. My wife has complex PTSD as a result of years of childhood sexual abuse along with physical and psychological torture. From early in our relationship, sex was problematic because it brought back too many traumatic memories for her. She has been in intensive therapy for the last six years and has made remarkable strides. Meanwhile, I have had serious lifetime ED and inability to orgasm (I am currently 40) that has also hindered our sex life, though recently a course of Testosterone replacement therapy has worked wonders for both issues. We are now in a place where we would like to move forward with our sex life; we both have strong sex drives, find each other attractive, and otherwise have a very strong, loving, communicative relationship.
The problem now is that my wife, after digging through so much of her own trauma, has come to realize that she does not desire intimacy with sex. She can only really deal with sex if it gives her a sense of objectification and disposability. She says that the idea of “making love” to her husband in a loving context is bizarre and very disturbing to her, and says that she craves sex with someone “disposable” (although she reassures me that actually having sex is with someone else is something she has no intention of doing). We have discussed various types of role playing scenarios to give her what she craves so that we can reignite our sex lives, which we both want very badly.
From what reading I have done, it sounds like my wife may be struggling with an attachment disorder, and it sounds like her sexual impulses have a lot in common with sexual addicts. Her therapist, though very good with most issues, has not really specifically responded to this issue, and it leaves my wife wondering if she is just “made” that way, though I strongly suspect her aversion to intimacy has everything to do with her early traumas. What sort of therapy should we seek out? Are there some specific concepts we should be researching? A
nd what do you think about engaging in roleplaying that would gratify her sense of objectification/anonymity-could that be dangerous? Part of me wants to, but part of me is very convinced that it would nurture negative and self-destructive tendancies within her.
Many thanks for your thoughts!

[Mike_J]

I'm not sure where the line between harmless role playing and reinforcing negative images is. I think that maybe seeking out a sex therapist and going as a couple might be helpful.

[IndieVisible]

What Mike_J says and I would like to add that this may be her personality. I can relate to how she feels and I am a male. I really do not crave intimacy and the idea of it also seems bizarre to me as well. Sex for pleasure and disposable actually sounds about right for me too. I hope that is not the case for your wife, but she may be unable to engage in intimacy love simply because the concept is unknown to her as it is with me.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

not really knowing anything about sexual trauma, it may be one of the steps of healing to want sex without intimacy and that's why her therapist hasn't addressed it. The life threatening stuff you need to make a code word for if it's too much or you need help, but I would not recommend you do anything that rears towards what happened to her. bad idea. I would tell her it's ok that she doesn't want to be intimate about it and do it just the two of you anyway with the lights down low, not off, not super touchy and kissy, though not a stranger, and focusing simply on the feeling. if you can do that, she might become more comfortable with it and be able to further her progress with overcoming what happened. You can look at kinkier stuff to do after you two are completely comfortable, trusting, and she is mentally prepared.