Female orgasm difficulties- have you ever had this?

I'm a 25 yr old female and have only (definitely) had 3 orgasms in my life.

I have masturbated since I was a child and have always been able to experience pleasure whilst doing so in 2-5 minutes. However it often feels more like the pleasure starts to build, hits a point and then abruptly stops and usually I don't feel much of a release. The only way I can get this pleasurable feeling is by lying prone, on my cupped hands which I rub on. I have tried just rubbing directly or touching my **** and so has my partner, but this gets little reaction.

When my partner performs oral sex, it is a different story. It's a very intense feeling, but completely different to when I masturbate (which is milder but pleasurable from beginning to end, whereas with oral sex is TOO intense). Oral sex is pleasurable but very strong and I can only bear it for a short time before I literally have to pull away because I can't bear it any longer.

I have also tried a vibrator but no matter how long I try, and where I focus it, I don't feel anything building.

So my questions are- has anyone else ever struggled with the pleasure/pain syndrome when trying to orgasm? And have you overcome it? Has anyone ever struggled, like me, with trying to orgasm through masturbation unless it's done in a very specific way?

My theory in general is that it's mostly psychological- the times when I have managed to orgasm I've either been asleep and therefore uninhibited, or feeling extremely turned on...

Any words of wisdom at all (relating to female orgasm) would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Devilsdoughnut
Yes I can relate to your situation very well. I masturbated a lot since I was a child. Probably bec of CSA issues. I was taught it was very filthy, dirty habit so every time I did, it brought pleasure & then great sorrow. I would always masturbate in the prone position, but looking back I'd only get a clitoris orgasm.
When I got into oral sex I experienced a totally different orgasm relating to my g spot, like a full body orgasm. I didn't really start to have these till I was very comfortable w/my partner & he explored more of what felt good & I was comfortable w/it. I think your mind & psychological state has a great deal to do w/ producing an orgasm. If its not there, then its much harder. Yes that feeling of being uninhibited I think has to be there. Just exploring can be very useful. I used to think during it, "gee when is it going to happen? is he getting frustrated? Will he stop soon? Will I not orgasm tonite?" That's just too much pressure. Now my thinking is, " I love this & this person wants to please me & wants to do this to me. I deserve it & I'm gong to enjoy every moment of it. I don't wanto orgasm until the last possible moment."
A really good vibrator can be helpful. One w/multiple settings & speeds so you can control the intensity. I think if you give yourself some time to explore w/it & tell yourself you don't have to orgasm, your free to feel what's there w/no pressure. Once comfortable you can share it w/your partner so they could possibly use it on you for an orgasm or in combination w/oral sex.
Most of all your sexual experiences are growing as you get older. My orgasms from 20 yrs ago are nothing to what they are now so things do get better w/age & your body keeps changing as your hormones change. Don't pressure yourself so much to produce an orgasm every time. Having that in the back of your head can be a major downer when you should be focusing on what makes you feel good & going w/it.
I wish you the best of luck. Relax & enjoy!

Thanks Patagonia,

Because I'm used to not reaching orgasm I wouldn't say that I generally put pressure on myself to do so...but historically there have definitely been times when I've got frustrated at not peaking when I have felt more pressure to get there, and also now I have a partner.

It's interesting to read your experience. I agree about psychological state being important- the times when I've reached orgasm before, as I've said, have been whilst asleep (once) and the other times when I was feeling good about myself and my body. I don't want to create more of an issue than there really is, but I do wonder whether some of this is to do with having a long history of eating disorders and BDD. For example- my eating disorder behaviours are, on one level, about denying myself food (pleasure) and surviving off the scraps of life...or when I overindulge, punishing myself. Psychologically I wonder if there's a crossover between that and having a mental block towards other physical pleasures, like orgasm. Especially when there are body image issues.

Of course, all of the above is mostly unconscious and doesn't seem like it's under my control. This, and the fact that my partner (female) who has never been able to orgasm previously has finally found a way to regularly achieve it, majorly pushes my ex-anorexic buttons of not being in control and not feeling good enough compared to someone else!

I wish I could relax and let go, but I don't know how when I'm doing all the right things but with no effect...

I can relate. Orgasms might happen for me several times a year. And not with my husband. I have performance anxiety. I know that if it doesn't happen he will feel like he didn't do a good job. I tell him "If I can't make it happen I don't expect u to be able to."

Do you take any medications? I take Zoloft. I had no idea that it kills sex drive. It make everything almost numb.

I think it is largely a mental block that is the issue. I have been married to my H for 19 years, we have determined that it is easier to just let him please me with oral sex and set a time limit. Say 20 min. If it ain't happening then no big deal it is 20 minutes of positive sensations for me, and I in turn sometimes return that with 20 minutes of positive sensations for him. Many times there is not 20 min of positive sensations for him. It is simply a lead up to sex and for that I am usually mentally gone. I have to refer to it as positive sensations because it if is called most other terms I form a mental block and it is impossible to even begin to go there. There are things he knows are off limits due to past rape and CSA as well. I have huge issues with receiving anything positive from anyone. And I never ever ask for anything.

Guess that is the CSA, my needs were never important and I was a means to someones elses pleasure. Do you by any chance have rape, abuse of csa in your past?

I was sexually harrassed once by someone in church and raped by a boyfriend in the not so distant past, but the problems kind of stemmed from before that. I'm not on any medications though...

Devilsdoughnut
Yes, I definitely think you're onto something as far as it beaded your subconscious level. How you feel about your body, how you feel about your performance, comparing yourself to your partner I think is all relevant.
Maybe ask yourself "what exactly do I want to achieve?" And then go from there. Maybe focus on one small thing. But letting go of those inhibitions about your body I think can be a major player for you.

hi there
I can relate to your feelings,though I do not have a history of abuse( sexual),I did have bulimia and anorexia (which are gone by now,not that I feel good about my body,just accepted that Barbies are rare).I am married for 16 years and never had orgasm with my H,tried masturbation but it feels so frustrating and incomplete without psychological connection with a partner.So I stopped.It feels I can not get aroused enough to build enough desire,even with oral sex.I faked all along not to hurt his feelings ,though maybe it was wrong.I tried to explain,told him to slow down and take his time,but he climaxes and falls asleep. It used to be OK in the past ,but recently it frustrates me and is a cause of insomnia and anxiety.Started after someone intentionally touched my fingers while taking library card from me:that is odd,but that touch felt so potent,I literally felt his desire to touch and feel me,it went right through me,though he never sad anything incriminating, but been friendly librarian, That is a touch I want to feel from my husband .My H does not cuddle/touch me unless he can have an intercourse with me.It hurt psychologically and physically now. I want to feel aroused,and I have a feeling I can get aroused,because in certain situation I felt some pressure and desire building while reading banal romance books.I have never been intimate with another man but my husband,been kissed just once before him. I do not know what is wrong.,where and what is my problem,?do you think I am simply frigid physically with desperate desire for sexual fulfillment ?
If you have any ideas let me know too,because anticipating frustration causes avoidance of intimacy and further problems in marriage.it is a long letter,but how do you put frustration of 16 years in one sentence?

wife22, I completely understand how you feel . I am in marriage T w/ my Hubby. We have just stopped having sex. For how ever long. So that we can have physical touch with out sex. It is a learning process. Trust that sex is not going to be a motive is hard to overcome. But it is a worthy venture to embark on, though my H might disagree.

Being the only man to have responded this may seem shallow but do you share a lot of intimate foreplay before engaging in sexual activities? For me, back when I was with a fun and sexual partner, that would really do the trick for both of us, the intimate almost teasing touches and passionate kissing, even a bit of sensual massage. Having been a surfer all my life the only way I can describe it is kind of like a wave, it starts slow and small, then begins to swell and rolls you both into something all consuming and beautiful. I think love, trust and an ability to block out the rest of the world for those special moments really ties it all together.

well,what if I have tried foreplay and teasing,but it seems he gets to the point very fast and that's it. Does it mean he just satisfies his natural desire without desiring me?
Le gra go deo, you said waves...that is exactly what my marriage feels like, I am thrown in different directions,according to my H mood and decisions,and I don't have an anchor to hold on to to come back were I started,I get farther and farther each time,and finally I am confused and lost in marriage,which I do not want to give up on yet,but ended up expressing my concerns online.The worst part is when one becomes numb ,rage and anger are better,you can work through them.

The only waves I ride break right, literally, as I am regular footed (The stance a right handed person rides) so that is what I was basing my description on, when you are getting tossed around that is called a wash machine and no good for surf, you need to both be in the right mood in regards to the OP's inquiry. Personally I try and bring my partner as close to climax as physically possible before I slide in and consummate the deal.

One of the things that started to help was communication. Just being very frank, pushing through any initial embarrassment. Getting used to saying all those words that we used to whisper or use replacement words for or not say at all?

The ones we used to blush at or pretend we didn't know?
And seriously? Go with your partner to like an adult sexual technique or sexual education site [something that's not trashy, but for partners] and look through stuff, or get a book. Talk about things, get comfortable with asking "is this ok? how about this? is there something I can do better?" use the words, use direction, take constructive direction, give praise.
have fun, make jokes, be silly, laugh, fall off the bed, hit your funny bone, giggle.

It's supposed to be fun, not nerve wracking.
I don't know if it is nerve wracking, but i think for a lot of people, particularly those who have had traumatic experiences... sex can be very serious business- and that is totally understandable because it can obviously put you in a very vulnerable position. But sex is a very very silly thing.

Humor and communication, once I started to really invest in those two things, went a long way to improve my sex life in general. It went a long way to improve the quality and the bond I had with my partner.

I don't mean to preach, and I know it's not easy.
In so many movies, sex is this dramatic, low lit thing where we all wear sexy chic bits of clothing and glide to each other on the bed.

In real life I fall off and giggle?
And good sex takes practice too. I really don't know anyone who was just good at it the first time and every time all the time.

I hope there is something helpful in there.
For the longest time I had a lot of difficulty getting what I thought I should out of intimacy.

Some times my H needs to get his "FIX" before we can move into the role of him being able to spend time on my enjoyment. Until he gets his, it is useless. Afterwards it is more possible. HE gets his, we spend 40 min to an hour on my enjoyment, by then he is ready for round two.

That is how it used to be prior to T and working on my issues that seem to be very triggering right now. Hopefully that is how it will be again some day.

Hey Big Mama
I like your thinking! A lot! I wish I could get my H in that rhythm, but that would mean he'd have to move after he gets his FIX instead of totally passing out. If it was the other way I wouldn't get anything lol.

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good idea,but in real life? lol