Hi, I don't know where to go?

Hi,

I found out with self examination over the past 4 years. I am polyamorous and a straight 19 almost 20 year old male. I hate where I live and who I know, because I just told a friend bout my polyamory views and my need for that fulfillment emotionally. I've dated about 5 maybe soon to be 6 girls or 7 girls. I don't remember which sounds bad I know. I really want to feel comfortable bout this, because the stigma is so horrible where I live and I can't tell anyone without being told by my mom. "I'm a man*****, slut and have emotional sex addiction problems yada yada yada." I am not like curious bout it, I am serious bout it. I knew this since I was little, I always had nightmares bout getting married to one person. I dread the thought of being isolated with one relationship even it's fulfilling in some way. Yeah I knew this more when I had a bunch of dating runs with girls I liked and literally at day one with every girl. They try to control me and say, "You only love me and me only. I don't care how you feel you came this far for me and so don't talk, look, or pay attention to anyother women. Most of all if you are caught cheating on me I will make your life hell." It really sickened me the past for years of general Highschool dating and dating in College. I never felt myself with any girl, but I freaking love women so much that I do anything to get this. Yeah I have my preference on sex and yeah I do like having it one on one, but when I bring this up to my friends and one time girl's that I am friend's with for years. They think I'm some raging hormone *****. When I can't emotionally feel satisfied of who I am without this. My most recent closest dude friend now, just told me, "because of society of the way people think. It be best if you stay in the closet. He wasn't being mean or discriminatory/negative whatever, he was trying to help me, because people in my city if you ever bring that up. Your scum. I mean even homosexual friends of mine think that's ****ed up, which there opinion is not much different than my hetero bi sexual friends guys girls whatever. I am not a homophobe since my family has gay members. I love them to death and easily look past their preference and appreciate them as a person. I just wish people did the same for me and actually helped me on this instead of telling me, "You're going to be a prostitute get aids and die." Like my own mom thinks, "I'm going to hell." I struggled with this since all my life. It kills me growing to be forced fed that I'm wrong and I should be like everyone else. I did my research on this. It's a pretty community, but I don't know how big. Honestly where I live it's so small why even have these feelings. I am moving to a different state, but seriously. Can I trust anyone to fulfill this ember of emptiness I can't ever quench where I am at? Lastly I am trying to date now, I am trying to have a monogomous relationship with one girl then when I truly feel comfortable I'll tell her soon. It just sucks, because everytime I've told someone this. They assume I don't think they are pretty enough or I only wanted them for sex. It ****ing sucks like I just want a group of at the most 2 girls in a love triad. I am not open to having men in my relationship based on my past abuse with men. I don't hate men, it's not at all what I am comfortable. I truly want two girls that I can trust them with anything and they are with me. We are all best friends we can be intimate and physical with eachother, but go on our daily lives like any other relationship and we all take responsibility. I mean also when I researched this I actually liked the thought and appreciated more of my feelings, because it's ok. Just not where I live at all. Mostly the people who tell me I'm a ***** feeling like this are either dudes in my city who are man*****s and say, " I know what you're feeling all guys want that fantasy!" like he is disregarding everything or girls who say, "I want one man who loves me for me and I won't ever cheat on him and have a baby and make a whole life with them forever and ever." That's all good and well, but your actions when I hang out with the girl's who say this. Get flat out drunk, high, or both and have sex with many guys as possible. I feel so ****** bout myself and I don't know how to get closure ever. Please someone help.

Hey there. Hope you're doing okay. I agree with you. Being poly is not looked upon favourably by many. I know many people in the poly community who have to keep that part of themselves closeted because what would happen - at work, at school, socially, in their families, etc - if it got out. I think it's sad that people can't just love who they want, how they want (as long as it's not hurting anyone of course). I hope you realize (and it sounds like you do) that the messages they are projecting onto you are harmful and unhealthy and have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Have you considered finding a poly network near where you live? For example, you could try meetup.com. If there's a meetup group for poly people near where you live, chances are you'll find it there. It might help you connect with likeminded individuals and be able to get some support around what you're going through.