Can't Get Away From Vanilla

I've been married 19 yrs. my sex drive has unusually gone up in the past 2 yo. Even my H occasionally complains & says no.
My fantasies in the bedroom have become hardcore BDSM & I ve tried very gently to nudge my H in that direction but I'm getting tired & he's sticking to vanilla. I've recently just come out & said "I want it rough" & he couldn't respond. I was frustrated & he was confused. I've gotten him a book & highlighted several areas but he won't read the book. We talk but he gets...bashful? We try really hard to communicate w/ ea other.
I know this is all new & sometimes BDSM never makes it to the bedroom & I always thought that would be fine, but now I'm starting to feel very sexually frustrated. I've looked outside my marriage once & it lead me down a very scary, painful road. I know what I want, but others have their own agenda & sometimes take advantage of that.
So do I just ignore the BDSM feelings & hope they go away so to save the marriage? I'd rather live in misery than make my H uncomfortable about this. He's a good man & deserves so much more than what I give him.

I feel going out of your marriage again would be so hurtful not only to him but to you. Please don't do it!

Sex is a part of being in a relationship and it sounds to me like sitting down (not as pillow talk) and having a very frank discussion about your needs is important. Men suck at picking up on hints so I would come out and tell him you love him and the sex you have is great but that you'd like more variety. Explain your desires and if he's hesitant, try to nudge him in slowly. Suggest maybe at first he pull your hair or smack your booty or something. Try asking him to go shopping with you for a toy to use. Honesty is important.

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I can't tell you what you should do and I'd take any responses that do tell you what you should do with a large grain of salt. Obviously you need some resolution. I feel like there are a few missing clues here.
Have you ever considered looking into the source of these new(?) needs/desires?

Yes I have considered the source.
My libido has been running significantly higher. According to my OB there's no medical reason for it. Most women my age has problems w/ it going in the opposite direction. My Pdoc said it isn't related to any med.

I have been working on PTSD issues & some relates to csa. I have come to realize that what I was taught @ home was so very wrong. That having sexual feelings ARE ok & even good. That masturbating is normal & my over all feelings concerning sex have changed which has freed me a great deal. My H has been hoping for this for yrs bec my thinking has been warped. We have explored a great deal & he's been open to it. Now what I ask for frightens him. He thinks it can be triggering. But only I can make that decision if it's triggering & trying it is the only way I'll know. When I see something in porn I wanto try & envision it w/ my H I see that as something positive bec I wanto do it w/ him. It doesn't scare me like some stuff id call iffy for triggering.

Just out browsing the forums today and this caught my eye... maybe because you used the word vanilla and I'm in the mood for comfort food, who knows lol.

Anyhow, just a suggestion here - Try writing BDSM fiction on your own. Believe me, I am a very celibate non partnered 46 yr old woman, and without my rampant imagination and ability to write, I would have no sexual "activity" at all. If you've never written before, it's not very hard and I'd be happy to give you pointers if you're interested. Maybe you could write something and read it aloud to your H? Honestly, I believe that most people who are bashful or inhibited about BDSM or any sexual aspect really, are more afraid of being vulnerable but alas, this is a human flaw overall and can be overcome.

Anyhow as I said, just a suggestion. Feel free to msg me or find me in the writer's forum.

I can relate to your H for the simple fact I'm very boring in bed aswell... My girlfriend, who I love dearly always wants nothing more for me to bend her over, treat her rough, spank her, the whole nine yards... You don't know how bad I feel that I just cant get myself to treat her as she wishes... Every time I have tried, I've acted with poor results... It turns me off, I feel awkward, I slap her wrong... I am completely lost...
How do you suppose your H feels about all this after 19 years?
By all means, I'm not trying to knock you down a peg, and belittle you in any way... There's nothing wrong with wanting some fun abuse in the bedroom... Just, I know I'm not the only guy out there who just doesn't have it in him to treat the love of his life like a piece of meat that needs tenderized.

In a way I can understand how hard it would be for my H to change. He was raised to respect women.
Part of me always thought that all men wanted to do these things in the bedroom, but by reading & talking to people living the life that sometimes it just doesn't work.
So we're vanilla w/ swirls of...another flavor. I guess I should be happy w/ the changes we've made, but when I get in the mood I end up watching porn & I feel like I'm cheating on him & my marriage.
Myself & fantasy don't go well together....lines can get blurred.

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I have been where you are, Not sure if it is an age thing, ( I'm 40 ) but I was getting more and more into BDSM, in my case I think it was a couple of things factoring, 1 ) I was in a manic phase and 2 ) My husband has ASD so it not very good at connected to me.

He tried his very best to pander to my needs but it just wasn't working. However in my case, stepping away from what was feeding my need ,culled it for me.

and I was headed down a very very bad road, I was fulfilling those needs online but I was practically living online, losing all touch with reality, totally convinced this is who i was and what I needed.

I'm not so much giving advice as sharing my experience, but once I stepped away and found an alternative outlet I all but forgot about those needs.

I now direct my intensity to Training 5 mornings a week in a gym, and I've lost 50lbs I had gained sat in front of my pc acting out all those fantasises so thats a bonus .