Sterilization?

Hello,

Let me first start with saying it is difficult to talk about this; I am not used to talking freely about this subject.

My GF and I both want to have sex, and since neither of us has had sex or been in a sexual relationship before, we’re both nervous and have talked at length about our concerns with each other.

Both of us are terrified of an accidental pregnancy, and having discussed birth control options, our health and views towards children, we have talked about sterilization – for both of us. (Or at least one of us.)

Our reasons for this are because of our own individual health issues and our views towards children.

For me, I have a variety of disorders, including Asperger’s Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, an ‘unspecified’ anxiety disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Major Depression, and I used to be epileptic, and I strongly believe that I would be a terrible father because of my own history of abuse as a child. When I think about it, I don’t think I have what it takes to care for or love a child, and I see children as unnecessary and expensive. I really have zero patience or tolerance for a child.

My GF has a terrible case of Crohn’s Disease and, when she was born, she was a ‘Premie’ and had to be on life-support for the first year(?) of her life I think. Her mother almost died from the pregnancy, and because she was a ‘Premie’, her growth was stunted and that’s why she’s so short now.

We’re both in our 20s (she’s 4 years older than me) and I wanted to make this thread to see if there are other users experienced in this subject that could offer us some advice. If you are male and had a vasectomy done, can you offer me some advice? If you are female and had a tubal ligation(?) done, can you offer her some advice? Do you think sterilization is a good choice for us?

We both want to be intelligent and safe. Please be honest but respectful.

Thank you

Well, I am a sterilized female. I had my tubes "tied" during the c-section for my second child when I was in my late thirties. Pregnancy was tough on me, and at my age, I (and my husband) decided not to try for any more. We had two children at that point.

I hear for a male and for a female the surgery is not so bad. Of course, it's more easily done on the male.

No birth control technique (except abstinence) is 100% pregnancy proof, although hubby and I had no unplanned pregnancies with condoms and spermicide. I tell you, as soon as we stopped, we were in the baby business in a month or two!

If you both are sure you don't want any children, then sterilization would be fine, as far as I am concerned. I think it would be good for your girlfriend to talk to her gynecologist about it. Some docs are hesitant if a woman has never had any children and is still young.

That's my take on the matter, anyway.

The progesterone IUD (marketed as Mirena where I live) is much easier than sterilization and has a lower failure rate (even sterilization isn't perfect.) All the paranoid sex education we get makes it seem like pregnancy is almost certain if you're having intercourse. But there are excellent methods of birth control out there. For example if your GF goes on the pill (or patch or ring) and you use condoms the risk of pregnancy approaches zero if you're both using those methods correctly.
Have fun. You sound organized and responsible. I think if you're conscientious about contraception you're extremely unlikely to get pregnant.

From a man's point of view, a women should never get sterilized unless it's needed medically. The recovery is more involved.

I got spaid and neutered after our second child. I got it done right after work on a Friday, sat around with an ice pack for 2 days and then was back to work on Monday. No muss, no fuss. It's just so much easier for the man that they should be the one doing it.

I'm with Webgoji--I think it's an easier operation for a man than for a woman. Also, I think there is a higher risk of pregnancy with a tubal ligation than with a vasectomy; or at least that was what I read when my husband had it done years ago. He was very skittish while having it done, but the recovery was really easy. Just make sure you do a sperm count after the procedure (the doctor will tell you how long to wait) to make sure the procedure was done correctly! I knew someone who did not bother with this and a few months later, baby number three came along.

It doesn't sound like either of you want to have children so I would go ahead. It's true, there are options for birth control, but I never found a birth control method that I liked. Hormones made me sick, barrier methods became uncomfortable after a while, and condoms, well, necessary for lots of reasons, but I hated using them every time with my husband.

True, and, even more so, the combination of Mirena and condoms is MORE effective than sterilization.

OP - I do see why you would want to get sterilized, but I do not see why she would. One of my relatives was an extreme premie - not only did she survive, but - had she lived to this day, she would have now been a proud grandmother of 4 (!) kids - she had two kids and each kid has two kids. And that was a truly extreme case - that she survived in infancy was a sheer miracle.

In addition, if vasectomy fails, you get a regular pregnancy, but if tubal ligation fails, you are likely to get an ectopic pregnancy with complications.

I am a 24 year old female and just let me say that doctors are not likely to work with a woman wanting sterilized unless she's over 30, already has kids, or it's necessary medically. I think it's crap, as it's the woman's body, but that biasness is how it usually is. (You can Google child free friendly doctors, I was able to find a few in my area but don't have the money for the procedure.)

There are certain risks that come with getting ones tubes tied. It's actually much less risky for a guy to be sterilized, and the procedure isn't half as invasive. It's also much less expensive and for some reason males don't endure as much biasness.

So if you are ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU NEVER WANT CHILDREN, get a vasectomy. If you are still weary she can also be taking birth control, although I think it would be more of a comfort than a necessity. My fiance and I don't want children, oh how I wish he'd agree to a vesectomy. It's gonna be me getting fixed. ;(

there is ESSURE, which is advertised as a better alternative to tubal ligation. It is inserted the way an IUD is inserted, and in the uterus it sort of blocks off fallopian tubes forever. I have had an IUD inserted thrice, and it is a painless, straightforward outpatient procedure. If ESSURE is indeed that easy to get, then it is better for you than tubal ligation (plus, apparently it is even more effective), but look up complications that patients on ESSURE report.

If I were you, I would simply get a Mirena IUD, since nowadays it is inserted in women who have not given birth (in the past, you needed to have given birth at least once to get it; I got it after my third child who will most likely be the last one for me). Mirena, unlike sterilization, is reversible, and you do not know what you will want and whether ten years from now you will be with your current fiancé. You may by then have separated from him and found another man who would really really want to have children, and you will be able to give him a child. Plus, Mirena is more than 99% effective, so it is on a par with tubal ligation in terms of effectiveness. Finally, Mirena has other benefits - it reduces the blood flow during menstruation (30% of wearers have no periods, and I am in that group) and offers a mild protection against cancer. Tubal ligation does none of that. So Mirena wins over tubal ligation.

Thanks for sharing, Hamster. I looked into essure and was actually really freaked out by reports of it not being placed in the right spot the first insertion. I'm sure as time goes by it will become more and more accurate, as everything does.

I'm nervous about IUDs. If it's not a weenie get it out of me lol. I should really 'man up' (lol) though and look into other options. I think the only reason tubal ligation apealled to me is because I'd be knocked out. Thanks again, really, Mirena is something I reallly haven't looked into. I'm sure I could vet over my fear in favor of a safer alternative...with a good pep talk with myself hehe.

As far as babies go... I used to have dreams I was pregnant, and I would wake up in a cold sweat, wake up crying, or wake up and have to puke. I have nothing against children, I just don't feel I should ever have one of my own. When I was in high school I had a late period, the first day it was late my anxiety was through the roof. It's all I could think about. Period ended up being two days late altogether, for which I am thankful because of it were longer I probably would've given myself a heart attack lol.

What do legal prostitutes do? They probably have sex with as many at 15 men a day, and they never get pregnant.

Ash89, if you get Mirena and wind up being one of the 30% of wearers whose period disappears, you could check for the placement of the IUD (there is a string) to confirm that you are not pregnant. So you would not have the kind of a late period anxiety you had in high school.

I do not remember any pain from Mirena insertion, but I am in general very relaxed during well woman care appointments - I have never even a modicum of the kind of fear of a well woman exam that gets reported on this forum and a women's issues forum. If you are nervous, I can see how insertion might hurt. I have had three IUD's placed inside my uterus - Paraguard once and Mirena twice - and two IUD's taken out of the uterus. I do not recall any unpleasant sensations during those 5 times. I mean, getting the anesthetic shot being dental work is MUCH more "memorable" than IUD insertion.

That's not necessarily true.

I was also one who never wanted kids, but we ended up having one. I told my gynocologist that I wanted a tubal ligation while he was doing the c-section (I was too small to have my baby naturally).....he said absolutely NOT.....back in those days (1978) they the thinking was that more women who had the tubal ligations ended up having to have hysterectomies & it was something he wouldn't do when it was so easy for the guy.

Well, I wouldn't let my husband near me until he had it done....cause I wasn't about to get pregnant again. Couldn't take the pill in those days had problems with blood clotting & ended up really sick on it......don't even know if they had the IUD back at that time.....but the other options obviously weren't fool proof (oh, I mean full proof).

He did finally have a vasectomy much to his unhappiness as he wanted more kids.....& I had told him even before we were married that I wanted NONE......so I said the one was my compromise & I wasn't about to compromise past that.

For the record she has been considering having a tubal ligation done for her own reasons independent of our relationship. She doesn’t feel with her medical issues – and that includes her Crohn’s Disease, not only her ‘Premie’ birth, Hamster-Bamster – that she will ever want to have a child.

Where I live only one doctor will do a vasectomy that I can find and he’s booking consultations like 3-4 months in advance! Apparently a lot of men want vasectomies! Won’t be happening for some time right now

Well, get an appointment ASAP and start counting days .

This is so right, My husband thinks the same he also had a vasectomy, I think it's so much easier for a man to get done than a woman, I remember going with hubby and I couldn't believe how quick the surgery was.

This is true, I remember myself and husband talking with a doc and him asking a load of questions and him saying if me or hubby was under 30 (in which we were at the time) He wouldn't be able to do the operation (we did have kids already) You both have to be 100 % certain this is what you want.

IMO you're both doing the right thing.