Self-denial for gay thoughts

Hello community,

I am 22 years old, male.
I sometimes have sexualle needs with penes. I imagine how I touch a beautiful penis, massage it, and take it into my mouth. This arouses me sexually. Furthermore I want to be penetrated by a penis anally. Thereby I touch my butt and my rosette. I spread my buttcheeks with my palm and apply pressure onto my ****. This pleases me.

A detailled impression of this issue is important for me. I feel very ashamed for my homsexual needs. I never have spoken with anybody about it, it is the darkest issue in my life. I feel inferior about about it. I refuse myself for my needs, hate myself for it. Maybe this is the psychosomatic Reason for my **** warts, that appeared a few years ago.

Gay has always been a invective in my environment, and I listened to music that spoke hatefully about Gays. I always made sure to appear maskuline, refused all feminity within me. I spoke condescendingly about Gays on my own.
How can I learn to accept my needs or heal them? How can I handle this?

While I am not aroused in a homosexuall way, it feels ok for me to write or even speak about my needs, I can almost accept it. But while I am sexual aroused by homosexual thoughts, my Shame and Self-denial is multiple bigger.

To mention is, that I never have been in love with a man (at least consciously), but all the more with women. Since six months I love a girl, but whenever I have homosexual thoughts I feel disconnected with her mentally, this hurts me, it damages my love to her. Additionally beautiful women arouse me at least as much as penises I think. By men, I encounter, I don`t feel aroused. Maybe I eventually suppress a latent existing arousal by men.

The only time I had sex in my life was with a prostitute, because I didn`t want to be a virgin anymore. I ejaculated in a minimum of time.

Please help me. I am open to spiritual methods too.
I am thankful for suggestions.

Greets

Many people have fantacies it dose not mean that you are actually homosexual. as for the warts i would get those checked out by a dr. they are contagious. many men like that region to be .....well for the lack of a better word, played with. If you do not want to be with a man, why dont you see if your lady friend is up to it.

Good luck in you exploration

Thanks Lonely_90, feels good what you say

I am sexually confused now I love women but penises arouse me too. I feel mostly sexually attracted by shemales/ladyboys if they got a feminine body (except the genitals) and feminine face and maybe I would like to be one on my own. Somehow I feel the desire to actually be a woman. I think about doing crossdressing stuff ... Lastly I am erected by my own body and would like to have sex with myself if I could duplicate myself. Egosexuality? I am confused

I think I experienced something like this but long ago. Now I believe I am supposed to be a woman but I still feel attracted to women more. Many straight women I have spoken to say they find women more attractive but don't think of themselves as anything other than straight. It needs more thinking and maybe some exploration on your part.