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RMDL75
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Default Nov 19, 2013 at 03:12 PM
  #1
OK, so I'm having a bit of a problem here...
Nearly going on a full year with my girlfriend, who I thought was the one, but lastnight I was thrown a curve ball that I wasn't ready for...

Let me explain something first...
About a month before I started dating her, I had injured my sciatic nerve, and since then, I've been having problems "Down there." I've gone to a couple different doctors about it, but they all act like I'm out of my mind, because nothing seems to be wrong with me at my age of 29. They just throw free samples of Cialis and send me on my way... And no, the pills don't do anything for me...
So obviously, my sex life isn't great.
She seems understanding, but she's always craved sex... So when I do have a successful night where I am working properly, it's not enough... She always wants me to go all "50 Shades of Gray" on her, and I'm just not into that stuff... I'm very vanilla when it comes to sex... Every time I try to give her what she wants, I get turned off, and I fail at providing her with what she "needs."
Outside the bedroom, she is my Goddess. I take care of her to the best of my ability, and her needs always come first.
I'd like to believe I'm the epitome of "The Nice Guy."
Well, lastnight after I take her out on a very nice little date, we head back to her place, and we start to play around... It was supposed to be a nice evening of just cuddling, and a nice long session of intercourse, but my little guy wasn't acting right as usual... Well, she became very frustrated with me like I'm able to control this issue, and began to tell me that she's been patient with me this whole time, but having to go without the sex she wants for so long, she's losing hope.
She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't care about the dates, and all the time we spend together, that all she really wants is ****.
To me, that was a slap in the face, because I've tried to hard to give her what she wants in every aspect, including sex, knowing damn well that I have complications, and while I've spent a year of my life wanting something special from her, she basically tells me that all she wants from me is to treat her like a piece of meat...
Now with a week before our one year anniversary, I don't know what to do... To be told that all she wants is sex, my feelings for her seems to have vanished. I believe if **** is all she wants, she can easily find it elsewhere, so why bother continuing on with this relationship?
Am I wrong for feeling so disappointed knowing that the only thing she really wants is something I just can't give her?
She acts as if she loves me so much, but after lastnight, I'm convinced she's confusing love with lust.
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Default Nov 19, 2013 at 08:06 PM
  #2
You have nothing wrong but I suspect the two of you are incompatible. Women are different with what they want and I think you could probably find a better match.

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RMDL75
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Default Nov 19, 2013 at 09:18 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Yoda View Post
You have nothing wrong but I suspect the two of you are incompatible. Women are different with what they want and I think you could probably find a better match.
Ugh... I don't know... I don't know if I was just fooling myself, but before last night, I thought we were fairly compatible...
Because of my "issue," my libido dropped considerably. I guess because of this, I don't find sex as important... Thing is though, I don't have a hard time getting turned on... it's just staying turned on...

I feel bad for her to be honest... I didn't talk to her all day today, because I've been kind of chilling out to ease my mind... She eventually texted me after she got off work, and it was just simply "I miss you sweetie."
I miss her too, but I admit I'm still fairly hurt by what she said last night.
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Default Nov 19, 2013 at 09:19 PM
  #4
Well ED sucks, and to be honest with you, I've had ED. When I say that I've had ED, what I should be telling you is that I've had ED with certain women. Like "Yoda" said, I believe that it's an incompatible issue. For example, with some women, I could preform extremely well, and with others... well... limp city.

I don't know your partner, but maybe she means that she enjoys everything about the relationship, but after a year now the only thing thats missing is a ****. And so, that's the only thing missing, so that's all she cares about at this moment... But then again, maybe I'm giving her too much credit. If that's the case, maybe you should part ways.

As far as the vanilla thing goes, I'm not into freaky sex and if that makes me vanilla so be it. And to top it off, if I had a freaky partner, I don't think I would be able to perform as well either.

I hope this helps.
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Default Nov 19, 2013 at 10:22 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Truth in Ruin View Post
Well ED sucks, and to be honest with you, I've had ED. When I say that I've had ED, what I should be telling you is that I've had ED with certain women. Like "Yoda" said, I believe that it's an incompatible issue. For example, with some women, I could preform extremely well, and with others... well... limp city.
Well, I'd like to believe this isn't the case with her... She's the sexiest girl I've been with by far.

Quote:
I don't know your partner, but maybe she means that she enjoys everything about the relationship, but after a year now the only thing thats missing is a ****. And so, that's the only thing missing, so that's all she cares about at this moment... But then again, maybe I'm giving her too much credit. If that's the case, maybe you should part ways.
I would like to believe this... Maybe I am over thinking.

Quote:
As far as the vanilla thing goes, I'm not into freaky sex and if that makes me vanilla so be it. And to top it off, if I had a freaky partner, I don't think I would be able to perform as well either.

I hope this helps.
This could be my biggest problem... Whenever I do things my way, 7 out of 10 times, I can perform with great results... But she doesn't want me doing missionary most of the time... If I can't turn her around, treat her rough from behind, smack her ***, and last a half hour doing so, She's not completely satisfied... With that in mind, I expect poor results more often...
It's sad, but there's been some nights where I hope its that time of the month...
I used to love sex. Hell I'm a man... Sex is awesome... But recently, I've been finding myself at times trying to avoid it.

I need to discuss this with her, and be honest with how I feel...
I'd hate to break up with her, because I've had alot of fun with her, and ending the relationship because I have ED just seems unfair... Not just for me or her, but in general...
To be this young and healthy, and have to run the risk of losing an otherwise great relationship, all because I can't get it up? It's bull ****...
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Default Nov 19, 2013 at 11:01 PM
  #6
The last part you wrote me is very important. You need to be the director in bed. Whatever gets your **** up, and and keeps it up is what you should be doing. After awhile of getting used to one position, you'll be able to change positions without losing much of an erection.
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Default Nov 20, 2013 at 02:16 AM
  #7
I know I am a woman so my thoughts on the issue may be a bit skewed. Let mw start off by saying that I love sex. When I started seeing my boyfriend, I used to think that I liked it rough "50 shades of gray" style and to have it all the time. When the relationship started with my boyfriend, he was not into this kind of sex at all (as you say vanilla) and I did worry that the sex wouldn't be satisfying. He also had a much lower sex drive than I did and I thought that was going to be something that would be troublesome. When we started having sex, I devided to try things his way (which was much more intimate than my previously loved "50 shades" style) and I loved it because he loved it. It actually is at a point now where his libido may be higher than mine and our sex life has grown from more than a sex life to a further connection between us since we both gave a little (he getting used to having sex more often and me getting used to "vanilla" sex). Maybe this is something you should bring up, finding a comprise may be what's necessary to help you with your issues and give her a more frequent sex life. Try finding ways you can experiment, still keeping things that turn you on, but also working for some of those other flavors she enjoys. Also a c*** ring can be really useful for ED, have you thought about an investment in that? I truly don't think that you should scrap the relationship on an issue that has so many solutions. Talk to her and see if this could be something that you could work on together.

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Default Nov 20, 2013 at 02:49 AM
  #8
It sounds more like she wants it so much because she's not getting it. So it's not like it's all she wants under normal conditions, it's just that it's all she wants right now because all her other needs are being met.
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Default Nov 20, 2013 at 04:28 AM
  #9
from woman's perspective ED is not a reason for breaking otherwise fully satisfying relationship.If I enjoy someone's company ,his nature,his brain,his availability as a human,ability ti listen,ED will not stop me,as long as I feel we are connected.Talk to each other,share your concerns and be honest,there is no wright or wrong in loving relationship,if you are accepting each other for who you are. There is always a way to "dance " around the predicament without loosing self esteem or hurting,and with time as you get closer and explore multitude of possibilities while compromising, you both will grow into more secure relationship,where ED will not have place
give yourself a chance,thing will be Ok,it may be just a temporary frustration on her part.
good luck
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Default Nov 20, 2013 at 08:43 AM
  #10
First: What tests have they given you? There is a device you strap to your penis at night to make sure you are getting the right amount of erections in your sleep. Also a ultrasound would rule of a blood flow blockage. Second: How are your balls? Notice they have gotten smaller? Hypogonadism........could indicate low testosterone. Have they checked that?

Yes you might be incompatible with her but for goodness sakes you are 29.......you should want to jump her bones every night and have wild primal sex! You could consider a sex therapist.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Nov 20, 2013 at 09:32 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
First: What tests have they given you? There is a device you strap to your penis at night to make sure you are getting the right amount of erections in your sleep. Also a ultrasound would rule of a blood flow blockage. Second: How are your balls? Notice they have gotten smaller? Hypogonadism........could indicate low testosterone. Have they checked that?
The only "tests" were like Physicals and blood tests... The last two doctors I went to were bent on the idea that it was just nerves, that there's nothing wrong with me... I would like to get tested on every level though... and yes, I have noticed that it seems my balls are smaller than they used to be...

Quote:
Yes you might be incompatible with her but for goodness sakes you are 29.......you should want to jump her bones every night and have wild primal sex! You could consider a sex therapist.
EXACTLY! I know it's not normal for me to feel this way. I'm going to make some phone calls soon, and see about getting to the bottom of this.
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Default Nov 21, 2013 at 09:17 AM
  #12
What a difficult spot you are in. I'm female and have sciatic nerve pain even after back surgery - and you have ED on top of it.

Even with if you weren't having ED, I think you two possibly are not compatible sexually. I have a high sex drive myself, like to be dominated by my boyfriend in bed, and so on. I won't get to TMI but I think I get where your partner is coming from. Vanilla sex is not her thing and the ED is exacerbating the issue.

It is not your fault. It isn't her fault. It sounds like she has sexual needs that are incompatible with yours. I don't have specific advice, but wanted to add my perspective. Good luck and stay true to yourself. x
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Default Nov 21, 2013 at 03:28 PM
  #13
About the only thing I can add to this is perhaps it's not ALL she wants but she's just getting less than she would like and so it's the focus of her mind.

Here is what I think. Have you thought of ways to please her without your own Libido or "body part" (for lack of a better term, without being blunt) ? I mean there are many ways to please a woman sexually that does not always involve intercourse. Just a thought. Maybe see if she's open to those options when you can't? After all if your goal is to make her happy I'd think you'd try to find other ways to give her some sexual satisfaction.
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Default Nov 21, 2013 at 03:46 PM
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From what you've written i actually don't think all she wants is sex - she just seems frustrated, as you are. This issue has been going on for a year. What i can't discern is whether you have a naturally lower libido than her anyway and so this issue is creating even more frustration for you, or you simply can't bare the thought of a good thing going downhill and not knowing what to do about it. Are you seeking further treatment? I suppose ultimately it comes down to whether she can be patient and supportive enough to see through a solution with you.

I definitely think you need to talk to her. Good luck.

Last edited by sabby; Nov 22, 2013 at 12:01 AM.. Reason: administrative edit to bring within guidelines
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Default Nov 21, 2013 at 06:08 PM
  #15
i'm not sure how this issue could have persisted for a year - i would take advantage of her patience and work with her in trying to see if this relationship can be salvaged regardless of the outcome of your health. Some people will place sex above other aspects in a relationship - but there will always be those who don't. No one will be able to replace your current girlfriend but i suppose the other side to that argument is that you can't say you won't be happier with someone else. It's not a win win situation but as Spock says; there are always alternatives Good luck.

Last edited by sabby; Nov 22, 2013 at 12:04 AM.. Reason: administrative edit
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Default Nov 21, 2013 at 06:21 PM
  #16
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Originally Posted by RMDL75 View Post
The only "tests" were like Physicals and blood tests... The last two doctors I went to were bent on the idea that it was just nerves, that there's nothing wrong with me... I would like to get tested on every level though... and yes, I have noticed that it seems my balls are smaller than they used to be...


EXACTLY! I know it's not normal for me to feel this way. I'm going to make some phone calls soon, and see about getting to the bottom of this.
One thing I wanted to add is that I wanted to commend you for coming out and posting something that is so personal and something many wouldn't do. To me, it shows how much this girl really means to you. I really hope that you can find a way to help things get better.

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Default Nov 21, 2013 at 09:52 PM
  #17
Things seem to be going pretty well for now... We had diner after I got off work today, which was totally her decision...

I think it's safe to say she truly loves me, and I will be seeking more medical attention soon enough... I'm almost curtain it's Low T, but I'll wait for the doc to tell me for sure.
We still have more to talk about, because tonight's date was cut short due to having work tomorrow, but we seem to be on the same page.

I believe that some of you guys were right, that it's not that it's just sex she wants and nothing else, but that everything else seems great, and isn't needing focus.
We are going to work this out together, and got from there. At the moment, there are no signs of us breaking up and loosing hope.

I know I was beginning to loose hope a few days ago, but that was just due to feeling down and mad at myself...
I think it's safe to say that this isn't something a guy would ever wish on anyone... It's like a nightmare to deal with ED at my age, so I believe it's understandable that I would concern myself alot more than necessary.
Thanks for the discussing this with me, and I'll try and keep you guys posted.

Last edited by sabby; Nov 22, 2013 at 12:05 AM.. Reason: administrative edit
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Default Nov 21, 2013 at 10:14 PM
  #18
Quote:
Things seem to be going pretty well for now... We had diner after I got off work today, which was totally her decision...

I think it's safe to say she truly loves me, and I will be seeking more medical attention soon enough... I'm almost curtain it's Low T, but I'll wait for the doc to tell me for sure.
We still have more to talk about, because tonight's date was cut short due to having work tomorrow, but we seem to be on the same page.

I believe that some of you guys were right, that it's not that it's just sex she wants and nothing else, but that everything else seems great, and isn't needing focus.
We are going to work this out together, and got from there. At the moment, there are no signs of us breaking up and loosing hope.

I know I was beginning to loose hope a few days ago, but that was just due to feeling down and mad at myself...
I think it's safe to say that this isn't something a guy would ever wish on anyone... It's like a nightmare to deal with ED at my age, so I believe it's understandable that I would concern myself alot more than necessary.
Thanks for the discussing this with me, and I'll try and keep you guys posted.
This is really positive! I'm so sorry for derailing your post btw. Lol.

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Last edited by sabby; Nov 22, 2013 at 12:06 AM.. Reason: administrative edit
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Default Nov 22, 2013 at 12:28 AM
  #19
Since this thread has become a more indepth discussion of sexual issues, it has been moved to this forum from the Relationships forum.

Thank you
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Default Nov 22, 2013 at 01:09 AM
  #20
She sounds a bit ignorant and selfish to me. As long as you are seeking ways to correct the issue, she should be supportive. If she is so impatient, that's what vibrators are for. Or she could communicate like an adult what else would get her off maybe only using hands and mouth? So many options, such inflexibility!
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