I feel like I'm the only person in the world

Hi, I have quite a lot of sexual issues.

You see I'm 30 yrs old, fat and ugly and I have only had sex once. It was when I was 18, still ugly and fat but not as fat as I am now, and it was with a guy. I hated it, and although he wanted to continue the relationship, I decided, being 18 and stupid that he was "clingy" because he phoned me once a day (he lived quite a distance from me and I only saw him on weekends). I decided I wasn't ready for any sort of relationship...

I've had "attention" from other men, but I always decide there's something undesirable about them ... they're not intelligent, they're too short, they like star wars (yes that was one excuse I used)

I've never had any other sexual contact since that first guy, and now the thought of having sex - although I get turned on, and horny and all of that stuff - makes me feel ill because I'm now 30 and practically virginal that I wouldn't know what to do and will just get laughed at. I am not attracted to men at all it would seem, and I am also not attractive (which is probably why I haven't had any more sex) so I think I might be a lesbian. I am definitely attracted to women - usually married ones that are out of reach and aren't even lesbians themselves - and frigid, but I don't have any experience to base anything on and I feel so repulsive, ugly and unworthy of any sexual attention no matter how bad I want it at times.

I don't know what to do or how to progress... it's like I'm in some sort of self-deprecating cycle. I know I should go out and meet people. I feel like I can't tell anyone I feel attracted to women - my mum is a Catholic and whilst I don't feel she would hate me, I feel I would always be that disappointment to her as she still thinks it's a "choice". I just can't bring myself to admit it I think...

I don't know what to do and it's hurting me every day.

((transit))

Have you considered counselling?

I don't want to be harsh on u or anything, but since ur sexual issues r directly related to your body image you should go see a nutritionist and start going to the gym.
It won't be easy and it will take time and LOTS of determination.
you're only in ur 30's u deserve to have a fulfilling sex life whether with men or women.

It is very difficult to shift body image issues. But I would work on the image as well as the body. You have to win the mind game too. That's why I suggested counselling.

And i might also suggest exploring your attractions to women. Nothing made me want to have and sexual relationship with guys. I felt gross and unwanted even though, like you, i had their attention at times.
At first, i was attracted to unavailable women, but i think some of that had to do with not having "come out" to myself yet. I still get attracted to unavailable women sometimes, but it was much easier to be attracted to available women once i realized i was into women. There was a safety in never being able to have that relationship before i came out - i couldn't be gay if i was never able to test my theories because the women i liked would not reciprocate (i grew up in a really homophobic environment). For 3 years i told my t's that i had "given up on men but that didn't mean i was gay" (i wish they would have had me look harder at that sentiment at the time... i guess i wasn't ready and they didn't push). Anyway, i digress. If you are open to the possibility, it could go a ways in helping chip away oat your negative body image. Counseling would also be a good idea. It can be a safe place to talk things out, and there's no judgement regardless of any realizations (be it that you are straight or gay). it can all be really confusing and difficult.
Counseling would also be a good way to work on those body issues...