Who am I?

Where do I start? Well I'm 30, I've been married now for 7 years. I have 2 children, one is 6 years old and the other is 2 months old. I met my wife when I was 20.I had a very unsettled upbringing, I went to a lot of schools and had very few friends. My parents split up when I was 10 then my mother moved my sister and me to the other side of the country.*As early as I can remember I have liked to dress up in women's clothes. At the age of about 8 I used to hide in the wardrobe wearing a skirt and high heels and try on swimming costumes. As I got older I used to dream of living by myself so I could dress up more often and go out shopping as a woman.*So many times I have tried to repress this within me. Mostly in the attempt to be "normal" and get a girlfriend. It never worked. I didn't get a girlfriend and the crossdressing came back.*The thought then came to me that perhaps I could have a boyfriend, I could meet a nice guy who would like me dressing up. But I have never really been attracted to guys.I then met my wife and the crossdressing went away for a few years. But it slowly came back when we moved in together when she was out of the house.*It went away again for a couple of years and we got married and had a child.*About 3 years later the desire came back with avengance. I wanted to look like a woman with shaved legs and body make up etc. The thoughts of dating a guy came back too.I then told my wife about the crossdressing but not the guy bit. She was very upset. She accepted it for a while. Then told me she couldn't deal with it and wanted me to stop. So I did.All was fine until my wife and I started having some issues earlier this year. My wife's best friend and I have always got on very well, she is extremely beautiful and a fantastic person. Over the course of the year we got to be very close friends and I helped her through a lot of issues she had this year. I think started to fall in love with her. I had never felt about my wife the way I felt about her friend. So I asked the friend what she thought of me. It was very positive but only as friend not as a partner. She then told me she had heard about my crossdressing from my wife. She said she didn't judge me for it, or think any different of me. But she said I really need to sort myself out and think about what I really want out of my life she said it's clearly not my wife.*Since that conversation my desire to dress as a woman as come back and the thought of dating guys has come back.*I don't know what to do. I've never thought of myself as gay,bisexual or transgendered. But maybe I am. I'm really not happy with my life as it is and I have spent most of this year on antidepressants.*Any suggestions please.*

What do you WANT to do? Not what ARE you going to do, but do you know what you want? There are so many variable dynamics going on here, I hesitate to say much of anything. Frankly, I don't have enough of the "big picture" to offer any sort of intelligent opinion. I have several friends who found themselves in similar circumstances as yours. They all spent a considerable amount of time with a therapist/psychologist before they were able to reach any sort of meaning decision about who they were and what to do with their lives. They all had wives and children as well, which greatly complicates things. Honestly, I would say that your best chance of finding the answers you are so desparately seeking would be to talk with a professional that is skilled in helping people sort out their identity/gender concerns.

Perhaps someone else here at PC can offer you more or better advice than I.

I wish for you clarity, certainty and contentment,

Dan

First, it seems as if your marriage isn't working. You had an emotional affair with your wife's friend, and that needs to be addressed. If cross dressing has created part of the rift in your marriage and is something you feel you need to do as an expression of yourself, you need to figure out if your marriage is worth losing that.

I think your thoughts on dating men can be normal, but if there is no physical attraction to a man, then it will probably be something that wouldn't work.

I think really examining your needs will help, and probably finding a therapist to help you identify them. I'd present those to your wife, and see if it's something she is willing to accept. This is hard and I'm sorry you're going though it, if you need to talk I'm here.

Hang in there.

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