The unexpected...

So I've recently gotten out of an 8 year relationship (as recently as 2 months or so ago) we were together since we were 22, living together since we were 23, and she broke it off when we both turned 30 (on our 8 year anniversary no less). For the past month I've been rather heartbroken, I cried for about a full week (still do from time to time, randomly and suddenly, like some kind of emotional vomit). Lately I've been a bit more put together and trying to come to terms with a new and different future than the one I hoped for two months ago. Her reasons were simple and cliché enough, she needed to get out on her own, find herself, we were just two different people, wanting different things, 'it's not you it's me' etc. etc.

So the reason I bring this issue up here, and not in the relationship forum, is because while I've dealt (and am dealing) with the horrible feelings involving being dumped, I'm dealing with something a bit new with this one. I find I'm having trouble performing sexually with other people. You see, recently I've been trying to get back into what being single is like (you know, beyond the loneliness and feelings of dying alone) I thought maybe if I met someone, did something casual, sexual, not worry about relationships and just have fun, that I would take my mind off being dumped, maybe get a new sense of confidence in myself and join the single life with a new Teflon outer shell.

Anyway, so I tried a casual hookup, met someone, we got a drink, went to her place, tried getting into bed together, have sex, and while I did become erect (at least for a while) I couldn't really orgasm, and I found myself not as into the experience as I thought I would be. It was pleasurable enough, but I just wasn't getting into it, I felt 'off' somehow. I kind of got soft inside her, or at least couldn't stay fully hard, I just lost my sexual drive, I apologized to her for being unable to continue, and left that night.

A couple weeks later, my friends and I were out enjoying some drinks and having a good time. Towards the end of the night two of my friends (a married couple I have known for a few years, their around my age, a little older) invited me over to their place for a nightcap and to listen to some records. I agreed and hung out with them in their basement. As the night continued they revealed to me that they had an 'Open Relationship' and that they fancied me sexually. This was a surprise to me, but a pleasant one, as I found both of them to be very attractive people and close friends who I cared about and who care about me. So with that they asked if I would feel comfortable enough to join them in their bed for some sexual fun. I readily agreed as this was actually something of a fantasy of mine and I had fantasized about my female friend before in some of my masturbation sessions. So we went to their bedroom, got undressed and all got into bed together. I was excited, but also very nervous (I actually hadn't felt that kind of nervous excitement since my first time). As we began to all make out and rub each other I ran into a bit of a problem. This time my penis wasn't becoming erect at all, not even a little, it actually felt like it had even shrank a bit in on itself. I was really enjoying the making out, and the rubbing, and the situation, very much, but my body wasn't reacting the way I hoped and wanted it to. I found myself starting to panic a bit inside (which I know will only make not getting an erection worse, but I couldn't help it) I kept thinking "Nothings happening down there?! Why aren't I getting hard?! Oh god, they can tell I'm not getting hard!" I became anxious, I was trying very hard to calm down and relax (and my friends were VERY understanding, and patient, and kind about the whole thing). They tried to help me in any way they could, we tried taking a break, just lovingly kissing, me watching them, my male friend leaving the room a while, watching porn together, anything we could think of to relax me enough to not be so nervous. In the end, however, nothing they or I tried (over the course of a couple hours) got me to become erect. I stayed in their guest room and went home the next morning.

Upon getting home I found I had no problem at that point getting an erection by myself, and even getting an orgasm just fine. So it wasn't a physical issue I could find, everything was working properly, just not when I wanted it to. Please understand that while guys like to say "this never happens to me" it really has never happened to me till now. I never had a problem getting an erection when I was in my 8 year relationship, or anytime before that. Even my first time, having that same nervous energy and being anxious, I was still at that time able to become erect and perform. Once in a great while I've had issue having a full orgasm during sex, but it's never been to a degree where I lost my erection, or couldn't get an erection in the first place. These experiences since my breakup have kind of rattled my sexual core. They've caused me to question my ability to have sex with a new partner, and lead me to feel fear that I may not be able to perform sexually in future sexual encounters. I mean if I can't even get an erection living out an actual fantasy of mine, or maintain an erection during a casual sexual encounter, what are my chances getting and maintaining an erection when I get back into a committed relationship?

I'm hoping I can get some advice about what might be going on with me? I'm physically fit, I masturbate without a problem (even now), I see medical doctor regularly, and have even been to a therapist in the past. I've been depressed (especially after my break up), but not to an extreme scale. Is it because I'm still dealing with the loss of my long term relationship? Is it because of all the anxiousness and nervous energy I had going into the casual sexual encounters? Is it because I couldn't relax? Was it because the first incident was a complete stranger and the second was a couple? Or is it because of something else entirely that I'm not seeing? Is there anything I can do in the future to try and fix this if/when it happens again? Are there methods or techniques I can develop and use when I find myself faced with a loss of an erection or not getting an erection to start that will lead to me getting one back? I realize to a degree that this may only be a temporary situation, and that likely my abilities to perform sexually with a partner (or partners) will return at some point, but this is something I hope will never happen again and that I want to take steps to keep from happening again. Thanks for listening and for any advice you can give.

It sounds to me like you are jumping into new relationships and such to early. You need to give yourself more time. Your brain is telling your body it is not ready to move on quite yet. How long have you and your x wife been apart now?

Are you taking antidepressants? Those can cause anorgasmia and sexual dysfunction.

Well, it's a rather complicated scenario. You see we were never married, we were together 8 years as a couple. We've lived together for 7 of those years. The intention (at least in my mind) was that we would eventually get married, but I felt like I was waiting for a bigger life event to happen with us beforehand (a better job, for one of our careers to take off, for us to find a home of our own and not a rental) just some kind of sign that we were moving into a new stage of our life. I just didn't want us to just go to a courthouse, sign some court document and come back to our (suppose to be temporary living situation, but ended up being almost a decade) one bedroom apartment that night, it all sounded so sad and anticlimactic. Unfortunately that 'bigger life event' didn't happen, at least not in time to save our relationship. So to answer your question as best as I can, we've been "apart" officially for two and a half months (though she's still in process of moving her stuff out), unofficially we've grown apart for nearly two years. We stopped being intimate about 7 months ago (intimate includes any real cuddling, kissing, affection, etc.) it was very lonely being in the relationship in those last several months just before the breakup, but it was even more lonely being out of the relationship all together. I don't know how we became so distant exactly, different work schedules, different hobbies, different interests, just different lives I guess. I still loved and cared about her though, I still wanted us to be happy, and I guess towards the end, if that happiness came to her from her leaving, then I was willing to accept it, even if I hated it. I suggested couples counselling while back, and I even went to some therapy by myself to try and better my own communication skills and improve our relationship as a whole, but it was all too little too late.

Perhaps you are right 'Big Mama'. I think part of me knows that with these last couple sexual encounters I've been moving a bit too fast, and jumping into the "singles deep end" so to speak before even learning how to swim once again, but the overwhelming loneliness is stifling, it suffocates me. I might be a fool thinking I could mask it with casual sex, somehow trick myself into feeling affections and connections without any of the work and time, but those nights when I'm sitting alone in bed can really play horrible tricks on my mind. They remind me of all the things I no longer have, all the things I built up with someone that got torn down in an instant, all the things I took for granted. I've discussed most of this with friends and family, even talked to an actual therapist, but even talking about it doesn't make any of those feelings actually go away, I still have to feel them every night, I still have to face my loneliness for who knows how long. I've always been a lonely person, always needed people to stay in my life, stay with me, I've always feared abandonment and change. Who knows, maybe in my quest to find some sexual enjoyment from being a single again I've actually only shown myself that I need to concentrate on the 'single' part a bit longer. You can't begin to love another person again till you begin just loving yourself once more.

And to answer your question Webgoji, I'm not currently on any antidepressants, although I do manage high blood pressure with medication (genetic problem) and I've been told that too low or too high BP can affect one's ability to get and maintain erections. Though I don't believe a medical condition is the case in this situation because, as I mentioned, I'm able to easily get and maintain erections when masturbating by myself just fine. Truthfully I worry sometimes though that my not being with a partner sexually anymore (because I'm mostly with myself) could affect my ability to become aroused when someone else is there. I know what feels good for me and am used to my body, but the feeling of someone else can sometimes feel more alien than a turn on at times. Plus there's this anxiety to make my partner feel good, sometimes I become so concentrated on if they are enjoying things that I neglect to even take my own pleasure into account. I can find it hard to pay attention to my thoughts and sexual feeling because I'm paying attention to theirs. My first time I was so worried that she wouldn't enjoy it that I psyched myself out of climaxing. I just couldn't finish, I waited till she apparently had an orgasm and I sort of faked mine. It took me a while to get used to sex and what made me feel good enough to climax, and I still don't feel like I have it entirely down. With my most recent relationship we spent our 8 years finding out what each of us liked sexually, we got so we knew exactly the right things to say and do for both of us to enjoy ourselves, but it never felt like work, at least not as much as some of my prior sexual relationships did. Part of what I felt I lost when we broke up was that strong sexual connection, and there is a true fear in me that I may not find that with another person. Everyone is different when it comes to what they're into sexually, and to find someone with similar interests in that department feels like it's going to be a daunting task ahead. I still kind of don't know how we even got to that point in my last relationship. Anyway, thanks though for both of your comments, they truly are helping me to think about what may be causing my difficulties and opening up new parts of the bigger picture that I wasn't looking at before, so thanks for that.

OK... I'm gonna give you my opinion of what I think is going on. THAT along with... well, I WAS gonna say 2 bits... THAT along with a couple of bucks will buy you a cuppa joe. OK?

You were in a committed relationship with your wife for a very long time. 8 years is a long time. I'm assuming you were monogamous during that time? Yes, probably. So, for that long you hadn't had sex with any woman other than the woman you made Love to, your wife. You KNEW your wife. You were comfortable with her. You Loved her. You knew what she liked and what she didn't like. You knew how to do all of the little the things that you knew pleased her... and you LIKED to please her because you Loved her. For the most part, making Love to your wife MEANT something to you. It wasn't just meaningless sex, the kind a man might pay for on the street. It was special because it was with the woman you Loved. Of course, at the time you probably didn't THINK of it that way. But it's how you felt inside.

I may be completely off here I suppose. Perhaps I'm not really qualified to share any sort of meaningful opinion with you. I mean, I've never "been" with a woman that I didn't Love, so I don't exactly know about what I'm about to say because I've never been there... but it feels right, so I'll say it anyway...

I think that you know and remember what making Love with your wife feels like EMOTIONALLY. You know how wonderful it feels in your heart. It is INTIMATE and emotionally satisfying. THAT is what you are use to feeling and sharing. You were used to experiencing a connection with the one person that you Loved. That connection is something that can not be described or explained. It just IS... and once you've experienced it with someone you Love, to NOT feel it is... I dunno... confusing and unexpected I suppose. There is an emptiness that you didn't know existed until you experienced it. Having sex with someone you don't Love feels empty compared to the connection you experienced with your wife. Performing the mechanical act of having sex might feel good on your genitals, but is otherwise completely empty, confusing, and meaningless. That isn't something you're used to feeling!

You are used to making Love, not just banging away at a woman in order to have an orgasm... and your body is telling you that something is missing. Your heart is telling you that something is missing... and yet, you aren't quite aware of what that missing thing is... That's what I'm suggesting here.

You are missing the connection that you are so used to feeling.

So, Sir... In my almost meaningless opinion, I would say, slow the hell down! To heck with screwing another woman... for right now anyway. You've only been away from the woman who was your other half for a couple of months!!! And make no mistake, she WAS your other half... and you are only a half a person without her... for now... and that's as scary and painful as... well... I lost my first wife... and I can't really speak for you, but here, almost 40 years later, I still keenly feel the pain of that loss... so yeah. I have an idea of what that pain is... Slow down. Take a breath. Step away from the edge...

If you are going to have sex with another woman, great. But get to know her and LIKE her first. You don't have to want to marry her or even Love her. But, at least get comfortable with her and give her the chance to get comfortable with YOU before you knowingly and intentionally chose to go further... and don't let your LITTLE head make all the decisions... Take it slow to begin with... You might even just spend the night cuddling and holding each other... who knows? I guess what I'm trying to say is, unless you've all of the sudden developed the ability to have meaningless sex with someone you don't care about, find someone that MEANS something to you and spend time getting to know her before you just hop into the sack and end up being disappointed and frustrated again.

Anyway... if anything I said here has helped you to figure things out, I'm happy to have been able to help. If what I said doesn't apply to you, that's just fine too. I spoke from my heart and gave you the best I could give...

I wish for you a respite from your pain and the joy of finding your way...

Dan

Well, that's interesting... The post Anthony made at at 10:53 am wasn't on my screen when I made my post at 5:36 PM... Huh! I'll be darned... I suppose I should read what was said at 10:53!

You make some very good points Dan, and you may be right on. Maybe I stepped too far too fast and tried to leave my emotions at the door in exchange for an easy opportunity just because it presented itself. I spent too much time worrying about what being single was like back when sexual opportunities didn't present themselves in my life, that I wasn't thinking about how much I've changed as a person in the last 8 years and what that change (being with just one woman that I loved and who loved me) means to me emotionally. I think you've really hit on something there, because looking back on it the conflicts going on in my mind during these casual sexual encounters were: on one hand women usually don't take much interest in me (especially sexually) so I was concentrated on taking what I thought to be a rare opportunity each time, while on the other hand I found myself each time feeling like I wanted more connection, even trying to do what felt right when I would make love with my ex, even comparing my ex to each of the women (in my mind) in both sexual encounters. I guess maybe I'm not over my ex entirely, and in my loneliness I'm trying to recreate that sense of connection without the time and effort needed to actually have it. So my penis is on strike till I come to terms with what I want out of a sexual relationship, including the emotional connection that I found to be a turn on in my former long term relationship. Perhaps it sounds a bit dense of me to say, but I hadn't even considered really that my physical pleasure from sex would possibly be so strongly connected to my loving emotions. I was just thinking of when I watch porn or fantasize by myself, as just a fun activity, but maybe my sexual psyche is saying it needs more now if it's going to be with a actual partner in this activity, or at least that it's not ready to jump back into looking at sex in such a casual way right now. Taking a break from sex all together for a while may be the solution that I haven't put on the table because I've been so caught up in being wanted by someone else, I may have been blinding myself through the desire for physical pleasure and getting frustrated when my deeper emotions got in the way. Thank you for you advice Dan (and 'Big Mama' and 'Webgoji'), I think this is definitely giving me more perspective on this than I had or was allowing myself.

Mr Anthony of Kazoo...

I truly hope that you're able to regain the balance you had in your life for so long and that you can find happiness once again. Remember, keep an eye on what's going on in your own heart. Men are oftentimes unconscious of their own need for intimacy and connection... you know, all that "sissy, feminine chic stuff" that men often scorn and dismiss as unmanly... Well, Surprise! We ALL need that stuff!

Dan