Why does my face repulse women?

I'm a heterosexual twenty-three-year-old guy who's never been on a date, had a girlfriend, kissed or had sex. (I'm in my last year in college.)

During the summer of 2013 I grew interested in dating and such. I've worked on my personal development a lot: I become physically fit, learned to dress better, got a nice haircut, and honed my social skills. I assumed my new self would be attractive to women.

But it didn't seem to matter. Sure, my peers complimented me for becoming a better version of myself, but I still had 0 success in romance. I asked out hundreds of girls, both online and offline, and they all rejected me.


I was dumbfounded as to why this was the case, so I started doing research into attractiveness. I discovered that there are general preferences for what's considered physically attractive. So I had a photo of me rated by almost 100 women. All of them agreed that, while I'm average, “OK” looking, none would date me or find me attractive whatsoever. Again, I was literally dumbfounded, as these women were mostly average looking.

So I asked a buddy of mine to take my photo to some of his lady friends and have them take a look at it. They all seemed very repulsed by how I looked, even though they couldn't explain why, as they said my face looked ok. They specifically said that I look like a rapist; that I have a serial killer face; that they would never approach me; that if I were to approach them in a bar they would feel uncomfortable; and that I'm not their type. (I got this “not my type” thing a lot in real life.)

I have come to the conclusion that there must be something very wrong with my face. I suspect that I suffer from some mental illness and this shows on my face.

Would you agree with this assumption? How can I figure out what's the cause of my lackluster romantic life?

PS: I live in a 3rd world country with appalling health care. Seeing a therapist now isn't an option, that's why I'm here.

Hello jimm38!

Well... after reading your post I was struck by one major thing. You seem to be completely preoccupied by your appearance. While your appearance plays a role in presenting yourself to a prospective partner, it isn't nearly as important as many other factors.

A case in point. I knew a fellow that was homlier than a mud fence. I mean, he was about the ugliest man I'd ever met. Yet, he was always surrounded by beautiful women. Actually, he ended up marrying a very beautiful woman. Even though he was not the least bit physically attractive, he had something else going for him that drew people to him. He didn't just draw women to him, but men and women alike. He was a delightful person to be around in every way possible... except maybe for his looks. He had incredible charisma. After being around him for a short time people didn't even notice his appearance any more because he was able to immediately win them over by showing people who he REALLY was inside.

So, looks count, but they aren't everything. As far as whether or not women would be interested in you judging solely by your picture, well, unless you're a real knockout, what did you expect? If you're just average looking and they don't know you from a box of rocks, why would they be interested? What have you done to create interest? What have you done to make them WANT to know you? As far as they're concerned, you're just another face of another guy that's desperate for a woman to go out with. For heaven's sake, of course no one is going to be interested! You've done nothing to dazzle them. And, my friend, women LIKE to be dazzled... if not dazzled, they certainly want to be thoroughly captivated. That holds true whether you're presenting yourself in person or only in a picture. You have to make them want to know more about you. Without that, you're going to end up going down in flames every time.

I don't think it's your face that's causing women to choose to look elsewhere. You said that you've asked out hundreds of women but that all of them rejected you. If that's the case, may I suggest that perhaps it's your approach instead of your looks that's doing you in? I'm quite certain that of all of the women you asked out, ALL of them were not so shallow that they judged you solely on your looks. So, that tells me that something else is going on. I don't think your face is repulsing women. I think it's your approach, your demeanor, perhaps you lack of self confidence and the whole way you present youself. I'm not trying to be mean here at all. This is just my perception of you based only on what I read in your post.

There was one thing you said that perplexed me. You said, I had a photo of me rated by almost 100 women. All of them agreed that, while I'm average, “OK” looking, none would date me or find me attractive whatsoever. Again, I was literally dumbfounded, as these women were mostly average looking.

Once again you're assigning a persons worth based on how they look. What does a woman's looks have to do with whether or not they find you attractive? I would say that if you have that sort of mindset when you talk with women, it's no wonder you end up going home by yourself!

You said, "I have come to the conclusion that there must be something very wrong with my face. I suspect that I suffer from some mental illness and this shows on my face. Would you agree with this assumption?"

I don't know what your face looks like so I can't really comment on that. I DO know that unless you have some sort of dreadful deformity of some kind, your physical appearance is probably not the reason that women all tend to shy away from you. Likewise, I believe it to be unlikely that your mental state would be a significant factor in what your face looks like.

When women tell you that you're "not their type", they aren't telling you they don't like the way you look. They're most likely telling you that you haven't done anything to draw their interest or make them feel special. They didn't feel comfortable with your demeanor or your personality.

I suspect that what I said here may sound harsh to you, but it's my honest opinion of the situation as you presented it.

I wish you the very best. I hope you find the contentment you're seeking.

Dan

One thing that I noticed is that you have placed a great deal of emphasis on your looks, stating mainly things about your appearance.

Appearances are important to a degree, but only that. I personally would MUCH rather be with someone who could make me laugh and connect with me rather than someone who looked like Brad Pitt.

I think relaxing for you is important. Taking things as they come and maybe change your approach. Having done the online dating thing, I found nearly every person to comenon too strong and really never met anyone worth my time.

You are not this person. I am sorry that you don't like your appearance, I can completely relate. Try remembering you're more than that. Maybe not putting so much stock into it will help some of your issues.

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Funny- in reading this a few things that came to mind were already written by Dan and Angel.

I wouldn't want to date a guy who is going to judge me based solely on my looks, I would want them to look a little deeper. I would also think that people who spend time on online sites judging strangers based on their appearances (for that stranger to see) are probably a more shallow (personality wise) sampling of the population than the population as a whole.

I know nothing of your appearance or the culture from which you come, but for me I would never date someone based solely on their appearance. I think back to one of my high school boyfriends. When we first met I didn't find him attractive at all. He was overweight, didn't have a pleasant face, and seemed a bit cocky. Then I got to know him better and when I got to know the wonderful person inside who made me laugh and we had fun together, I found myself physically attracted to him as well. His eyes lit up when he saw me or when he laughed and they were gorgeous eyes. He has these soft, kissable looking lips that called for me. Everything about him seemed to change, only in reality nothing changed except that I was seeing him instead of just merely looking at him, for the first time.

As far as looking like a sexual predator- I've seen guys who look that way. For one I think it was his greasy mullet, gnarly teeth and his body language. Turned out later (I met one of his victims) my radar wasn't off.

I've also seen a couple of pictures of my husband where he looks like a sexual predator. He's not, mind you, nor does he have these characteristics in the real world. I think he gets nervous in front of a camera and it's the nervousness that is caught.

My advice to you- stop working so hard to find a girlfriend. Focus a little more on trying to get to know the girl when you are not pursuing a relationship, and if it clicks, it clicks.

Well, a person's attitude, what they are thinking about, DOES come across in a photo. I had headshots taken professionally, and the only one i liked, i remembered i was thinking about kissing a particular guy! Have you ever noticed on tv shows, when they are photographing a model, the photographer is telling her, "yes that's it; oh you're beautiful, baby; make me want you!" And such suggestive remarks? Its to get her to react, to show emotions to the camera. You probably showed the emotion, "i know you dont want me" and then "proved" it. keep getting that nice hair cut. Do you smile when you see yourself in the mirror? It took me a long time to get to that point with myself. It just means other people didnt smile at you when you were a baby and you took on their expression, whatever it was. Now you have to work harder to change it to something pleasant. But it is definitely possible, and no it doesnt mean something is wrong with you. You're a diamond in the rough. You just need some polishing. That is the case with many young people.

I would suggest that you get to know women before asking them out. Just asking everyone you find out forces everyone to consider only the superficial, yourself included. It's like duck hunting with a blindfold; yeah, you shoot a lot, but you never even aimed.

Get to know women first and let the get to know you. College is a great place for this because you can get to know each other in study groups, social functions, classes, etc. Only until you start "clicking", then ask her out.

and remember that dating isn't everything. Do what you want with your life whether you are in a relationship or not. I had a list of things I wanted to do when I found somebody and one day I wondered why I was waiting. Sure some of the things on the list will be harder single (like becoming a foster mom) but dang it I'm not going to let being single keep me from doing anything. Except maybe sex. It might keep you from that lol.

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What do you think about your face? Is there anything unusual about it? Are you smiling in this photo that is being critiqued by others? If you dislike your face, maybe they're picking up on that somehow.

Also, I remember doing some online quiz, maybe on PC, where you would guess from photos who were rapists, thieves and so on. It turns out that people can guess with some degree of success what kind of character complete strangers have based solely on their photo. I'm not implying that you're a rapist, but people do judge character based on appearances if they have nothing else to go on. I guess that's where letting them know who you really are would help.

Maybe your relying on the physical way too much you're forgetting there are many things can go into a relationship besides your face. Plus your not really getting to know any women on your journeys. If your a wonderful person from the inside it'll radiate out. ;-)

Yup its true. Ive seen people, both guys and girls, who isnt the most good looking but because they are happy,positive,self confident, you kinda forget about the looks and you like them because of what they are from inside.

You're only 23. You've got loads of time to work on yourself and get out there and find someone. Don't end up like me. I'm now 57. Short, fat and bald . Nobody wants me now or has ever done. The way i'm feeling now is that i don't want to go on much longer like this so i can't see myself getting much past 60. Have confidence in yourself ( people like confidant people ) do things you enjoy. Unless you've had all the disadvantages that i've had i'm sure you'll find someone.

Youre just a young pup. Im still saving my pfennigs to come see you. Wait to off yourself til after we meet, at least!

Totally random, but I think your kitty avatar is ADORABLE!

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Look - you said that you can't afford a therapist. I gather that means you could not afford a professional photographer, so you posted a crap photo which got low ratings. A professional photographer who knows the craft would make a difference, and what Hankster said about photographs reflecting things is so true.

Oh, and... Ugly men can be incredibly charming! As well as charmingly incredible.

I also get this in public, where females would openly show disgust as my presence. Some women are fickle, and very flighty in nature.

I now pay to visit hookers in my area, and I'm ok with that.

Most women are not preoccupied with how men look. Certainly women want to be attracted to a man but that doesn't mean he needs to be good looking. Perhaps something in your behavior concerns women? Or things you say? I have hard time believing it is looks

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Wanted to add that my son in law hardly ever dated anyone prior to meeting my daughter, he was 27 they got married, I believe he was 25 they met. My nephew didn't date anyone until 24, and he is gorgeous. It is not unusual not to have a date at your age

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Wow old thread brought back to life !

Maybe the OP will come back to visit and see the advice given