Sex video

I will try. With BPD, that can be a tall order to fill. If I can get myself down to where I was this summer, it will make a world of difference.

Everything else in my head right now is too big to tackle so I'll start with this:

My eyes are too big.

No they aren't. Being big makes them a feature and they're pretty to look at.

That's a step

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Yes, humans like big eyes in other people, although I don't see your eyes as particularly big to be honest.

Big eyes, particularly lower on the face, are seen as "'cute"' and inspire affection from others.

Idk, my dad told me that I had "cow eyes" when I was younger and I've always had a complex about them since. Weird, huh?

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The opposite of weird really, sounds like you just identified the source of your eye-based insecurity.

Here's another:

I look gross with no makeup on.

No I don't my bf thinks I'm cuter without it.

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God, I would just LOVE to see a list of all the things you don't like about yourself or the things you'd like to change.

I really would.

I think it would be fascinating to be able to compare that list with how other people actually perceive you.

I'm sure there would be a HUGE discrepancy.

...The crazy, negative stuff a person tells themself about themself... and is so willing and eager to believe to be true. Yet, they find it so easy to NOT believe the really good positive stuff.

Amazing.

Have you ever noticed that? I sure have...

Dan

I think so. For some reason I feel like it's just not the same for me... like that the same rules don't apply or that the stuff people say to me is just them trying to spare my feelings and be nice. Like that people only say I'm pretty or whatever because they are trying to make me feel better about myself, not because they.actually think it.

The list of things I don't like about myself is expansive. I'm trying to slowly alter this, but 24 years of beating it into my head is a hard thing to break, you know?

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What's really funny is the way you feel about the same rules not applying to you is EXACTLY the way everyone else feels about their own stuff. "Oh, that isn't really true. They're just trying to be nice to me..."
I guess it must be an intrinsic human trait to think in such a screwy way because almost everyone seems to think that way.

Hell, even after being married to the same woman for close to 39 years, whenever she compliments me on something I still tell her something like "well, there's no accounting for some people's taste" or some other such silliness. I mean, I like myself pretty much most of the time. But whenever someone, even my wife, says something nice about me, I have to quickly challenge their mental competence in believing such drivel, and having the audacity to share it with ME of all people!

Well, I'll tell you what. You say you have an expansive "to-do" list eh? I'll save you a lot of time and fussing about if you'd like. OK? Yeah, just send me a copy of your list and I'll cross off everything on it that's not true. I'm SURE I'd be able to have that list whittled down to maybe a few items in nothing flat.
Whaddya think?

You think it's hard getting rid of things that were beaten into your head for 24 years? Ha! Try shaking out 60 years worth of screwy thoughts! Trust me, you're MUCH better off getting rid of that useless kind of nonesense while you still only have that much to get rid of!

As far as beating more crap into your head? Well, just stop it. You KNOW how silly you're being when you attempt to cram stuff into your head that doesn't belong there! So, just don't do it! Or, at least if you have to fill your head with nonesense, perhaps you can use "nonsense-lite" so it isn't quite as filling and doesn't leave you feeling bloated and worthless.

OK?

Have fun!

Dan'l

This is classic self-defeating thoughts. Maybe? Just maybe they tell you you're pretty because you are? I mean really think about it. Your BF says you're pretty and even cuter without your makeup. People say you're pretty, hot, whatnot. Think about it. What if they're telling you the truth? Hmmm ... How are you going to react to the world when you realize you're beautiful?

It's safer to not acknowledge that you're beautiful though isn't it? There's something there that tells you, "Hide in here behind this guise of being icky. You'll be safe in here. If you let yourself think you're pretty and something contradicts that then you'll be hurt so hide here with me and let's just be gross."



Don't let that delusion win. You're beautiful.

Dude, lol, take the compliment! Some of us have to fish for them like they're Bearing Sea blue crabs; hard to find and very few and far between. If I can fish a compliment out of something I wrap that bugger up in gold and hide it where nobody can steal it from me.

This is SPOT ON. Wow, I've never explored this feeling. I think your right, the fear of rejection for something I could be is worse than doing all the rejection on my own.

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I guess it's sort of a modesty kinda thing I s'poze. I mean, I KNOW what she's saying is true, but I guess I'm always embarrassed to have someone point out something that I already know is true... so I always sort of downplay it. I dunno... That probably doesn't make much sense, but that's the best explanation I gotz rite now... lessen o'course I sat an' put mah thinkin' cap on fer a spell...

Dan

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I think I get it. We're taught to kinda downplay those thi gs though... don't you think? My problem is I brush of anything good said to me and hold on to the negatives like they're the.precious! Lol

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I don't know. I don't think it's a matter of being specifically taught to downplay positive reiforcement. I think there are many, many factors involved in creating a negative self-image, most of which are environmental in nature. I think a lot of it has to do with the environment we were immersed in during our formative years.

At any rate...

My gut feeling tells me that you brush off compliments because you don't feel worthy of them... and that you don't think you're as good as people think. I suspect that you fear that some day the people that complimented you will find out that they were wrong... and you'll be found out as being a fraud by accepting their compliments and praise... that you accepted something you weren't worthy of. I think that in your mind it's much better to keep telling yourself that you aren't worthy of praise so you won't ever have to feel like you were mislead into believing something that wasn't true. I think that in your mind, when people eventually find out that you aren't as good as they think, it'll be much easier for you to be able to tell them, "SEE! I told you I wasn't as good as you thought I was! I told you that you were wrong about me!"

I think you need to give yourself that escape route... one that allows you to validate the fact that you aren't good enough... and that you told everybody you weren't when you didn't accept their compliment.

So, when someone tells you that you're sexy and beautiful, you're sure that they'll find out some day that your aren't sexy and you aren't beautiful...so you feel the need to set them straight... and not accept a compliment that might set you up for being a fraud... By not accepting a compliment you've created an out for yourself. You can tell them that you TOLD them they got it all wrong about you when you didn't accept their compliment!

OR

It's very possible... nay... PROBABLE, that I'm completely full of prunes and everything I just spewed was utter rubbish!

Dan

I think you may be on to something. I think I was raised to not feel worthy of anything, and raised by a family of very petite women, preoccupied with appearances (which I think is some of the reason I have a preoccupation with how I look). My grandma used to pinch my fat from like the age of 8. When she'd come for visits and we'd go out to eat, she'd fuss and make a scene in front of everyone about how much I ate and how fat I was going to be when I was older. My sister was always seen as the more attractive of the two of us (grandma even telling me that while I had the prettier face out of the two of us, she had the better body), and so I never felt worthy of anything said about me, because my brain would always think: "You think I'm something but wait till you see my sister!"

I don't know if that feeling of inferiority to my family and sister has anything to do with my current feelings, but I think it supports your theory.

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I dunno...

I always find it so amazing how a child can live with their parents for so few years, yet they spend the rest of their lives trying to fix the damage done to them in those important first years.

I know that most parents are doing the best they can. In fact, though, most parents are about as ready to raise a child as they are to fly to the moon. Most parents are doomed to repeat the mistakes of their own parents because that's all they know.

Anyway...

What a shame.

Dan

I don't fully blame my mother for everything. She (through choice, however), had untreated bipolar until like last year. I think my family situation (grandma is a narcissist btw), combined with being molested, led to a lot if my feelings about sex and self-esteem. My Dad did the best he could, but after my parents divorced, he became largely absent.

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Ok you can't name a thread Sex Video with no actual sex video. That's false advertising. The title should have been, "Sex Video-coming soon(maybe)"

Hi,
Please know that when I talk about parents mucking up their children I'm not being judgemental or making it into a good or bad thing. So, I wasn't talking about placing blame for anything on anybody. I mean, heck, I consider my wife and myself to be pretty darned good parents. But still, we did a couple of things that I wish we hadn't done and I think our daughter had to struggle to overcome our "mistakes".

Anyway... I know that it is what it is and placing blame is a senseless, self-defeating and destructive thing to do to one's self. Although I know that sometimes it's almost impossible to NOT want to blame someone for something they did that affects you in a negative way. It human nature to do so.

Dan