Identity Issues

Ever since I was like 5, I found myself not being able to identify with my male friends, and any 'butchy' ways. Even though they were my friends, and hung out with them, and do male kids stuff, I'd be like "why the heck would they want to do that?" I got made fun of a lot, the usual 'you're a girl' jokes were oft. I'd find more common with the girls, I guess.

I've always wanted to look like what a girl is supposed to look like, at least society's view. I live in a close-minded bigoted society and I'm forced to not look that way, and I get by. I have cross-dressed once, but it isn't a big need for me, it's just looking and feeling that way.

Some people I know are very disappointed in me because I can't "Be the man" in their eyes. I can't live up to their expectations, but they think I'm trying and failing, they don't know what I want to be. I'm just very naturally submissive, I dislike feeling masculine. I have a problem with the gender roles assigned to me.

I'm attracted solely to women, but I do find some 'traditional male characteristics', like impulsiveness or 'ability to take charge' kind of fascinating, even though I'm not into men. When I'm in the company of my male friends, I let them take decisions, handle arguments and stuff, and I feel very comfortable that way. I haven't so far come across a woman who'd do this, I don't know "take charge".

When it comes to attraction, I love intimacy, but not really into sexual intercourse at all, so far, and I'm in my early-mid 20's. I don't want to change anything, I am fine the way I am, but If i had a chance i'd be 'neutral' I guess? but I most definitely want to look like a girl.

I get by, hiding it all, I just wish someone could help me better understand myself, or put a generalized label on me. I'm not very familiar with 'trans' terms people use to describe them. It'd help me feel like I have an understanding of myself.

I don't find it useful to label my sexuality.
It could be a great timesaver for computer dating, though!
"Jabberwocky seeks slythy tove for gyring and gimbling", etc.

I hear you there. I get along with girls more so than I ever have with guys. Very often, males take on this alpha caveman routine that I find completely unappealing to try and relate to.

If you want to look like your definition of a woman, what is it that you would do? Suppose that your social bonds were unfettered, what do you think would make you happy?

This is a social stereotype. It may be common in your area. It may just be what you perceive as being feminine. Everyone has there own guidelines to different social roles. However, I personally have met a good lot of aggressive, take charge women. They are perfectly straight, and beautiful as well. So being the way they are doesn't necessarily knock them back from being feminine. One of these ladies was my old bellydance instructor. She was also a stripper for a time. Now she is a wonderful mother but still an azzkicker of a gal

It is wonderful that you accept what you feel. Most often these turmoils will tear people up on the inside. It sounds to me that you need to find a facet to express yourself. Females are going to be your best friend here. In my experience, they are more open and more understanding when it comes to stuff like this. Try confiding in a good, trusted friend. My ex wife is the one who ultimately helped me open my doors up. If the area you live in is truly hostile to your interests, I am sorry to say that you may want to consider moving to an area that is less close-minded. I moved to a city in another state, and while the town seems a bit more conservative in some aspects, they are more open to a wider berth of sexualities and gender identification.

You're asking for trouble if you want to confine yourself under a label. A loose one is good, just to identify yourself to others. however, if you to try and yourself to adhere to some rigid pre-existed concept, you aren't going to be happy.

If you really want a label, I would say that you probably fall under the catagory of Gender Fluid. on a less technical level I would simply say you are a feminine male. If you ever take your femininity to the level where you start to dress as a woman, you're a cross dresser or transvestite. Cross dresser are not neccessarilly ones that are out in public. I think a great many actually only do it in the privacy of their homes. If you are just into women, that's perfectly acceptable as well. Many of the cross dressers I have ever interacted with are only into women. So don't think that your choice of outward appearance should have any bearing on that.

I hope at least some of this was helpful to you.

Ciao

thanks guys

@cannibalcutie

If I'd be allowed to look the way I want to look, it'd not be too drastically different. Just long hair, earrings and accessories and a little something else maybe. Honestly, I feel lucky because my face matches the way I want to look like, there's not much I'd like to change about my face. I got my looks from my mother, and as a kid, some would need a double take to know if i'm a boy or a girl. I feel kind of blessed, this way. Honestly, how many people can say that? I have honestly pulled off the look without much effort, and it's satisfying as all hell.

As for society, I live in a backward, conservative place, and I risk breaking the hearts of people I care, and also even being shunned by people around me, they don't have an understanding, nor do they want to try and understand. I dream of going to a better place, I don't want everyone to accept me, but a few who understand. At least unlike my place, where people automatically think there's something wrong with you.

I just want to look the way I feel inside, look what feels natural to me, I don't think it's too much to ask, but is it?

I've had bad luck with the women, nobody understands, they just don't seem to be attracted to the submissive qualities I have, some understand, some respect it, but it's ultimately not what they want on a permanent basis. I keep looking.

Thanks for the term, "genderfluid". I'm looking over it, and it's probably the closest it gets to describing me, so far.

Well, that's awesome. I'm glad you have that going for you.

No. It's never too much to ask to be able to freely express yourself. That's a basic human right. I don't know the situation from your region of the world, but if you really truly want to be accepted, then I would suggest looking around and seeing what the cultures are like in your surrounding areas. Maybe take a road trip and explore your options.

I've only really have known about three women that actually preferred their male counterpart to be feminized. However, this is more than likely due to the 'gothic' culture that they were/are a part of. That being said, you may want to also consider looking into the kink and BDSM communities (try the online social networks for starters). There are greater chances of you finding a woman that has a fetish for feminized men. It's not uncommon in those circles, either. I don't know how prevalent they may be in your area, but it might at least give you a hint as to where to go.

No problem, hun. hope things work out for you.

I don't know if it's 'feminized' but I prefer 'submissive', but I don't quite know the difference to be honest.

I also got to say, I'm not very happy with my male parts, but it doesn't bother me that much for the moment, i'm not sure how I develop. I'm not sure I'm a 100% straight either. it's confusing.

I gotta ask, do you see similarities between my predicament and yours? thanks for replying to all my posts, cannibal

There is a big, BIG difference, actually. There are different types of feminization, now that I think about it. Feminization can be something as superficially aesthetic as a man getting all dolled up and dressed like a woman for sex play stuff. Or it can be more than that, to the extent that they actually take on the role as a lifestyle. On a more medical note, it could be the long term process of taking hormones to actually change the body to take on more female characteristics.

Being submissive on the other hand, has absolutely nothing to do with gender roles. Men, women, straight, gay, etc. can all be submissive. Also, there is the difference of sexually submissive and socially submissive. Also, that is not to say that an individual would ALWAYS be submissive to every person they meet (sexually or socially). It's all very personal.

What do you mean exactly by 'not happy with your male parts'? Me, I wish I didn't have mine and had female parts instead.

Stuff can be really confusing. It was for me. I myself, had a long and introspective transitional time before I came out. The best advice I can give you here, is to try and not think about it in terms of straight or bisexual or gay or whatever. At least not just yet. Just be open and honest to yourself about what you want and why. Once you can answer those questions, you should have a more clear definition of where you stand. Sometimes people are just curious and as soon as the situation presents itself, it is totally wrong for them. Try not to associate one want that you have (preferring to look more feminine) to an assumption of what it could mean (you can't be straight). Think more on WHY do you want to look feminine? Why do you prefer a submissive stance? Because it makes you happy? Then, Why does it make you happy? etc., etc. Do this with different aspects of yourself.

Sort of, to an extent. What I see in you is where I once used to be. Although it was in a different context, I had reached a point in my life where I questioned who I was and was desperately seeking some kind of definition. I'm not saying you will wind up where I am, but you are at a crossroads that is not unfamiliar to me.
When it comes to my sexuality and my self perception I know exactly who, how, and why I am. (It wasn't easy to get here, btw). When it comes to how I show myself to the public, I have done all I can (or am able to do for the time being) to portray myself as I wish to be treated and accepted.
Like you, I also have a difficult time finding persons that are willing to take me seriously for who I am and what I want. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty or invalid. Regardless, I love how far I have come. I just wish it could be further.

And thank you for posting up in the first place. I know how frustrating it can be to be searching for a label when nothing seems to quite fit. I very often feel like I don't have a place in the world.
But sometimes I think that maybe no one has a place in the world, and the ones that pretend they do are just lying to themselves to feel better about it. <-- That's just my personal thoughts, though.

I guess i'd be a girl, a submissive girl.

I don't want em, I guess (I kinda think it's gross), but I don't necessarily want female parts either, but i'd prefer it, it's kind of weird.

Maybe, I see myself going down that road, but I'm not sure.

I echo your sentiments in the other thread, i hope there were others who'd reply. But i really, really appreciate your responses.

Autogynephia: being turned on by the image of yourself as a member of the opposite sex.

Hi fairyconfused: There is a Transgender Forum here on PC. I would strongly urge you to check out that forum. I personally have quite a few posts there, & there are others. You will learn allot simply by reading through our old posts & reading new ones that come up. Plus you can post there yourself. You'll receive lots of supportive & valuable insights.

Your situation, as you describe it, is certainly not unusual. I'm an older male who has been trans his entire life, but never transitioned. I like to think I know allot about being trans both because I've lived it & also studied it. I'm always available to correspond. If you post, particularly in the Transgender Forum, I'll reply. You can also Personal Message me should you want to. Good luck!