[seikerpsyker]

{ This is going to be very unorganized, by the way. I'm just typing thoughts as I go.}

Well, I'm 14 years old at the moment and I'm biologically female but I don't feel like one. And I don't believe this is a phase because the feelings have been happening since I was little and are only getting stronger since I know a bit more. When I was little and I still do, I always wanted to have the big muscles, the deep voice..basically every characteristic a male would have, genitals included. There was a moment where my family tended to tease me a lot for having small boobs and stuff and not having a boyfriend, so I briefly wished that I could have them but it was so they could possibly leave me alone and not bother me. But after like a week, that failed. I've always had dreams where I was a guy and those are probably my favourite dreams and I like to wish for them before I go to sleep, haha. When my friends say I'm super manly or that I could be a boy easily, I just get really happy? And those quizzes and tests that ask you your gender, I always hesitate. I can't help it. I want to put male so badly but I put female because I remind myself that I should at least be partially honest about it? I don't know. But then I regret it as soon as start and go back and change it. When my parents tease about wearing dresses or showing off skin and stuff to attract boys, I always cringe and in a joking tone, I tell them I'd rather wear a suit and slick my hair back. I'm being totally honest though. Oh, and when I read in this book a friend had got me about girls and puberty and stuff, I read about it and I felt sad. I don't know but a brief wave of sadness hit me and I'd always wish that I didn't have to go through menstrual cycles and stuff like that. And when I had my first period, I was just really down that day. I really didn't want it to happen but it did. And my dad, he buys a lot of boxers and stuff and he gives them to me and my mom to use as like lounging shorts or something but I always use them as actual underwear. They found out and yelled at me but I really can't stop myself from doing it because it sort of provides me with a sense of relief. When I'm with a group of girls, like in P.E. or something, I feel like an outcast but with the boys, I feel more or less like I belong. I bought sports bras because it's the closest to having a slightly flatter chest without being too obvious by buying a binder. When I found out there were surgeries and stuff for gender resassignment, I was overjoyed to the max. And I've never liked my real name. I always liked going by nicknames. And they were always boy nicknames. And I roleplay and when I roleplay I'm always a male character because I just prefer being a boy. I don't see myself being a girl or acting like one. Oh, and when I was talking to my dad about voice changes, he told me mine would get higher and stuff and it just made me mad. I want a deeper voice not a squeakier one. When I even speak in public, I get really self-conscious about my voice because it's so high and squeaky and it doesn't sound like what I think it should sound like and it just makes me sad. I don't really have much more to say since my brain has gone blank now but this is all I've got for now...I'd just really like some feedback.

[kraken1851]

Welcome to PC Have you seen there is also a trans* forum here? It sounds as if it could be the right place for you! See you there maybe :wave:

[seikerpsyker]

Originally Posted by kraken1851

Welcome to PC Have you seen there is also a trans* forum here? It sounds as if it could be the right place for you! See you there maybe :wave:

I moved it over to that forum now c: Thank you.