I think I'm a sex addict and I'm scared please help

Hi I'm a 19 year old homosexual male and I don't mean to be graphic but I'm worried I'm addicted to porn. I masturbate at least 3 times a day some mornings I get up a hour early not by chose my well my erection wakes me up and I'm so tired but it's the only way to get back to sleep. I'm really scared because I've taken to rp (role playing) in sexual scenes with a lot of different strangers. I've never met any of them but I did seen a few pic first it's really arousing to me but then I'm filled with regret and shame. I've actually gotten fairly popular. Men wait for me to be online they say I'm the best they've ever had. I feel like I'm final worth something like everyone has something they are good at and I'm terrible at everything but when I'm rping with guys they notices me I'm the best, the queen bee, the one you wait for a invite from and it feels so good to be misses when gonna to be seen and not the one no one sees. I'm the youngest of four and my two of my sisters moved away and it's just me and my other sister ( let's call her Kay { not really her name sorry if yours is}) was raped a few years ago and it was a huge source of stress understandably. But I was going thought a lot to. My best friend who I had a crush on had told me moments before I was gonna tell I liked him. Told me that " fags are just so weird their just sick" I wanted to die I ended up in his bathroom hugging the toilet throwing up because I was crying so much. I never got any support at home. they all just over looked me or thought I was capable of handling everything on my own. Now I can't stand asking for help and when I feel sad or angry or alone I rp or look at porn and I feel better. When I'm rping with a guy it's like I'm useful I have one goal make him happy and I can do that. It's the one thing I'm good at. I feel worthless for weeks at a time and I feel like my rp partner cares about more then anyone who could ever met me. I feel unworthy of love or respect. I feel dirty all the time like I should just be a piece of meat for other better people to use at their will. I hate feeling like this but when I try to stop I feel so sexual frustrated and I get super *****y. I'm no good in social graces or dating. I've never tried to get one before I was in the closet for years and never wanted to appear weak and ask anyone out. I tried that ones and it hurt me so deep I crawled into bed and didn't move for a whole day. Now my sister Kay was raped a second time and my family is charging him. the trail is so stressful for everyone and like before I'm thrown aside. I'm a outcast in school and in my own family. I can't trust anyone with knowing about my roleplaying or that I can't stop. I'm scared because now I can't say no to anyone or anything. I feel like I'm a different person when I rp I'm confident and self assured I'm able to do anything for "my man" even when they want me to rp as a rape victim. I feel stronger then when I'm in the real world. I feel so sick I've tried to end myself so many times but I can't because I fail at that to I can't even do that right. I've tried ending myself but I can't seem to take that last step. I just don't know what to do I can't keep doing this I'm rping so much I can't study like I should but I can't ask anyone for help no one care but my partners and I don't think they want me to stop. I ****ing life with my parents and I don't feel safe in that house how can I tell them or anyone this. I only have two ****ing friend and ones in another city. "hi I can't stop jerking off and I feel like I shouldn't have been born. But I can't seem to off myself because I fail at that to!" They'd throw me in a hospital and forget about me. My sister was in one I'm not gonna go to that prison being medicated and forced to talk to doctor who doesn't care about me. I just want to stop I just want to feel useful. Please help me I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I'm sorry this is so long and probably has a lot of spelling or grammar errors I'm not good at English

Hi. Take a deep breath. There is nothing wrong with being gay. I don't care who tells you otherwise. I don't care if every single person in the world tells your otherwise. There is nothing wrong with being gay. I'm so sorry that your life is so difficult. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister and your family being unsupportive and your best friend/crush being a horrible homophobe. That must be very difficult to handle.

At the same time, it's okay to masturbate 3 times a day. It's okay to wake up in the morning and need to masturbate. Hell, it's okay to rp sex online. I do it sometimes. It is exciting because you do feel useful and desirable but you never have to face the possibility of having a real sexual encounter. If you want me to be totally honest, I'm a straight woman who in the past has pretended to be a gay man and rped gay sex with gay men on completely anonymous forums that don't have a picture option.

The problem is that you feel shame when you do it, you only feel like you have value when you do it, and it is interfering with your life. You wouldn't be thrown in a hospital for being addicted to the feeling of being important to someone else which is what your sex addiction seems to resolve around. I think you might benefit from therapy to be honest. Not a doctor. A therapist. Not a sex therapist. A regular therapist. Just someone you can feel safe to talk to that can help you sort out all of these raw feelings you have concerning yourself, your sexuality, your parents, your sister, and suicide. It can be hard opening up to a therapist at first, but with time it gets easier. I don't know if you need to be medicated. If you do, it wouldn't be because of an inappropriate sex drive or anything like that. You have a lot of things on your plate and deserve to have someone to talk to. I wouldn't recommend talking to your parents about this though haha.

Good luck to you.

Can you tell us more about what happened with your sister? I cannot believe that in the serene state of wisconsin people get locked up for masturbation.