I'm broken :(

Hi, I am new here and I dont even know if I am posting in the right place
I am so desperate for some advice/help, I just feel so broken. I have always suffered depression, I was an abused child and I went into abusive/controlling relationships as an adult. I have been married for 14 years, and things have always been a bit dodgy, he is a selfish man, and doesn't have time at all for listening to my worries, he just brushes them off as stupid. I have always had a fear of being dumped for a younger woman or girl, my past 2 husbands both cheated on me with 13 & 14 yr olds. As I get older this is becoming an obsession for me and getting quite out of control. I feel old and ugly and I know its only a matter of time before he trades me in for something young and gorgeous. I feel like all men are disgusting and perverted in this way. I asked him if he had the choice between sex with me and some hot little teen what would he choose, he said that was a stupid question, so i said if some teen dropped her knickers for you you wouldnt say no would you? and he said he refused to answer that, surely if it didnt cross his mind he would answer wouldnt he? I am terrified of him going to visit his daughter as she has really slutty looking friends, and I know he will do something, why wouldnt he, any man with a sad old hag as a wife like me would jump on that surely! It has got to the point where I just cant go on, I hate my life, I cannot look in a mirror, I disgust myself, I hate him looking at my face because I feel sorry for what he has to live with, when we have sex I refuse to enjoy it and force myself to imagine him having sex with some sexy teenager and she will be laughing and saying how she is so much better than his ugly old wife and he will agree! is this messed up or what? I feel I have to torture myself for being so ugly and , it hurts like hell and breaks my heart and I have no idea why I do it.
I just want to die, I cant go on I will just get older and uglier, but I have to live for my daughter, it's like torture! I am hell bent on finding something out on him and sure enough I did, I went through my google web history on my google account and I found going back over 6 years about 5 various searches for "teen sex" "older man ###$ teen" and various searches of nude sluts! i feel absolutely broken, I asked him about it and he got really angry and said I was crazy and needed my head tested and that it wasn't him, but only me and him use that google acct. Even when i said if he had nothing to hide he would be calm and that yelling made him look guilty he just yelled more that I was f****d in the head and denied everything, even though those searches were in the same time zone as he was searching his regular stuff (bank, email, game sites) every night I hope i dont wake up in the morning, I cant stand living like this and dont know what to do, I am so bitter, and hate everyone, I just feel its only a matter of time before he dumps me and will be off laughing about me to some young slut
What can I do?

Hello, nothingfancy. One option is to get professional help. Another option is to divorce him. Do you have the skills to support yourself? I doubt what you describe is good for your daughter.

Sorry this is happening. You must make some tough choices about the course of action that best benefits you and your daughter.

I cannot afford help, I also don't qualify for the 'free' help, it's a pretty sukky situation. I don't consider him a danger to our daughter, but I do feel paranoid about his daughter from a prev relationship, his kids do not like me as they were ordered by their mother from an early age to make life as hard as possible for me, they have done horrible things in the past to make me believe it was my husband that did it. His daughter is almost 18, I just dont trust b*****s around that age especially where she is concerned, I am sure she would find it hilarious fun to try hook him up with one of her skanky friends, my problem is what man is going to refuse that? I can't compete!

Your really lacking in self confidence and esteem. I think your husband was smart to say nothing because you were fishing for a way to feel bad when you are already down. He couldnt win. Not every man is going to cheat on you.

Allow yourself to enjoy sex. It is a blessing from God. Your deserve it.

Look in the mirror everyday and say something positive about yourself. You are not allowed to follow it up with anything negative. Your daughter is watching you. She picks up signals and she needs to learn to love who she is as well.

Do you have a pastor or Rabi to go to? They are free and they are trained to help. They will not turn you down, I promise. They will also do marriage and family counseling. Take the first step if not for your sake but for your baby girl's sake.

If your previous husbands left you for 13 and 14 year old girls, then they are disgusting pedophiles. Most men aren't attracted to girls that young, and the few that are are deterred by laws banning sex between an adult and a child.

You have been through unspeakable pain and trauma. It only makes sense that you would see the world as bleak. But there is beauty in life! You need to give yourself the opportunity to experience it. You need to love yourself, even if you feel that no one else has ever loved you or could love you.

If your husband is worth having, he won't be seriously tempted by some sexy teenage girl. He already has you. You think that you're ugly, but I'm sure your husband sees you in a completely different light.

Thank you so much.
I never feel I have anything to offer the world, no matter what I do or think, all I see is gloom.
I do not want to feel this way, its not natural to be so depressed and so full of self hate fir an entire lifetime but doctors just brush me off when I say there could be an underlying cause and laugh if I say I am crazy. I was on tranquilisers at 6 and nobody can tell me thats normal.
the fact that you all disagree with me tells me this isnt a normal state of the world, can anyobe identify what is going on with me to feel so bleak as someone put it? That is a perfect word, thank you that sums up exactly what I feel.
Thank you all so much You have certainly put sone things into perspective. *hugs*