Asexuality & virginity

Hi all, thought I would post this to see if I can get any opinions or advice. I guess I just want to 'let it all out' a bit too. This will probably be quite long, but I will try keep it as much to the point as possible. I'll give a little intro below, just so you get to understand a bit more about me.

I am 21 years old and I am currently studying in College. I have had a healthy upbringing with no form of sexual abuse (That I am aware of at least). I was bullied in high school, but not terribly bad and it only lasted for a year or two. I am an introvert and have a lot of traits of someone with Avoidant PD (Probably caused by the bullying), which I suppose is definitely relevant to what I want to discuss. I also played video games a lot when I was younger instead of going out, so that may have played a part in my personality traits.

The older I have grown, I have realised something is not quite right when it comes to me and the opposite sex. I am 21 years old and I'm a virgin. I have never done anything sexual with a girl. I have kissed girls before, but I do not find it enjoyable. In fact the idea of being intimate with someone makes my skin crawl. I find females attractive, I masturbate often, yet I have no desire to actually be with a girl. In fact, I would say I actively avoid it. I have been in the situation for intimacy to occur (in bed with girls and such), but I am unresponsive and hesitant to any initiation.

As well as this, I dont desire a romantic relationship. I am at peace with the fact that I more than likely never will be in one, that really doesnt bother me (thats not saying I wouldnt be open to one under the right circumstances).

What I am curious about, is why I am like this. I don't really want to change the way I am, but something has got to give. I just wonder whether I am sort of asexual, or if its just a mental thing. It would all make more sense if I was abused or something, but I wasn't, so I don't know why I feel such adversity towards intimacy. I wonder if its lack of confidence? I wont lie, the thought of physical intimacy terrifies me, partly due to my inexperience at 21 and everyone else being experienced at this point. Maybe that is why the thought of being intimate disgusts me, or maybe I genuinely just ain't interested. I guess you could say I am confused. I am not sure if I could have a casual encounter, I think I would need to be comfortable with the person. That would be a problem as well, as I dont feel like I can conect with females. I find I have nothing to talk to them about, other than general small talk.

The whole 'virgin' label really bothers me. I don't desire to have the experience, I just want to get rid of that label. Its a burden. People will say it doesn't matter, but try being with a group of your peers at 21 in college who are all sexually active and have people laughing at you. People think im strange when there are attractive girls approaching me and im unresponsive. Sometimes I feel like I should just get it out of the way and be done with it - even though I'll be going against myself. It also bothers me when my family comment about my situation in regards to girls. I have never had a girlfriend or even brought a girl home. Whenever my mum brings up a mates girlfriend, I change the conversation, as I know where it will lead.

Thats all I'll bore you all with now. If I think of anything else I wish to add, Ill edit this post, or post a reply. If you got this far, thanks for reading. I would really appreciate any opinions or advice.

Thank you for taking the time to 'vent' here, it really helps!

Let me say that I can relate to a LOT of what you've been going through, with only very minor differences.
I'm the same age, and am in largely the same situation. I've never engaged in an intimate way with a girl, ever. No kissing, nothing. The difference for me is that whereas your issues seem to come from a passive disinterest in/moderate revulsion to sexual activity, I have a lifelong hatred of my own sexuality. But it leads to the same issues, the same social awkwardness, the same avoidance of the 'virgin' stigma, the same morbid curiosity about potential sexual encounters, etc.
In my years of dealing with the raging self-hatred that comes with my own issues with sex, I can recommend one thing above all else.
Talk to someone!
The forums are a great place to vent and get advice, but nothing has helped me like talking to a real person has. I highly recommend trying to find a therapist that works for you, it's more helpful than you can imagine. Short of that, if you have a trusted friend or even a family member you'd feel comfortable sharing these issues with, then that would work wonders as well. But if this is a problem that this taking up a significant portion of your life, I would say try your best to find a therapist. Helping people sort out tricky problems like this and process how to feel is what they do and it has been enormously beneficial in my experience, which sounds eerily similar to yours.

You're taking a step in the right direction just posting in here, trust me. I hope you find the resolution you're looking for.

Thanks for that reply. I have lurked on this forum for a while, and I am pretty sure I have read a thread of yours, where I felt I could really relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I cant say I have a hatred of my sexuality, but even though it may seem like a contradiction of me feeling the virgin tag being a burden, I get a sense of overwhelming pride from being the way I am, As strange as that may seem.

I would be happy to carry on as I am, not 'getting any' doesnt affect me mentally or physically. The thing that bothers me is I feel like I have to in order to be immune to criticism & mockery. Something which probably stems from my past & personality type.

In regards to the whole therapist thing, its something I have wanted to do for a long time. Not only for this, but for a few other reasons too. I just cant bring myself to do it though. Its really, really hard - as it is for everyone, though it certainly doesnt help with the AvPD elements present within myself. It would also mean having to tell my mum and ask her for money, as I am unemployed and in college. She would be more than happy to do this for me, but again, I'd find it hard.

Thanks again for your reply!

don't be too hard on yourself I was a virgin till 25 when I married, yes I waited till the right relationship came along....been married 32 years so it worked for me,,, cut yourself some slack, when its time you will be ok...a t could help with your current mindset , take care of yourself, you are the only one that can....

Don't feel bad about being a virgin! If people laugh at you, screw them! I was a virgin until 23. I am at university, and I know exactly what you're referring to. It's like everyone else is "doing it" and you're not. I hated that feeling. Felt like I was missing out. But, don't let it get to you! Don't let it make you want to lose your virginity! I cracked at 23, because I couldn't take it anymore. I had never been touched, kissed, hugged or even looked at by a girl before that. That sucks when you're in an environment with thousands of hot young girls walking around! But, don't let it break you! I did and I regret it very much. When you have a casual encounter, the sex physically feels really boring. Even masturbating feels better. I'm really not joking. I wish I never wasted my virginity on something so stupid and boring, because you can never get it back. Trust me, you're not missing out on much at all. The whole thing is overrated and brings more regret than anything else. My first time also sucked because I was too lame to get a girlfriend and I ended up doing it with a woman almost twice my age (42). I'm now 25 and still haven't had a girlfriend. I'm still waiting for the right girl, and you should too. But, I see you say you don't have any real desire to do it, so use that to your advantage. You won't be as likely to crack as easy as I did, because I confess, I am a very sexual person, even though I'm single. I looooove girls. So, if you got that natural resistance to sexual activity, then I would say use it! I wish I had some of that so that I wasn't such a hopeless romantic .

Argh, and that just sucks big time, when you're parents/family nag you about not having a girlfriend. You have all my sympathies with that .

I guess I'm just a bit naive, or something, but I've never really figured out (after 71 years!) why "virginity" is so highly rated. I know about the hymen thing, I guess, but the fact that a penis is inserted into a vagina seems pretty small potatoes in the greater scheme of things. I was a "virgin" until I was 23 and married, but I had had very intense sexual encounters with several women. One in particular was my steady girlfriend in our last two years of high school, and while we never had intercourse (which was a no-no in her Roman Catholic faith, of course), we both had intense orgasms on many occasions. I had been bamboozled by society's definition of virginity, and assumed for many years that I had been a virgin until my honeymoon, but I now realize that I was just operating under a fiction. I just don't see why penile penetration of a vagina qualifies as a life-altering experience. In fact, I can tell you that the sex I was enjoying with my steady girlfriend was far more fulfilling and intense than my early experiences with vaginal sex.

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