Bisexual @ crossroads

I've been stuck at this crossroad for a few years now and i don't know what to do. I've been lesbian all my life, being in rs with girls one after another. I love the sex and the way girls connect. I feel safe in this community. I feel accepted in this world of more than 10 years.

But lesbisn rs often come with a lot of drama, emotions, and uncertainty. Lezbian rs is frowned upon in my country and by my family. My mom threatened to commit suicide in the past when she asked if I'm lesbian, and i had to lie to her that I'm not.

3 yrs ago, i got into a relationship with a guy for a change. I thought it's a good change from the typical dramas from lesbian rs. We stayed together shortly after. We had 2 dogs together and we play the same sport with the same team. Needless to say, our life is very entwined.

2 yrsago, he proposed, and i accepted his proposal. However i postponed it 6 months later. When i thought i was ready, we agreed on another date. 5 months before that wedding date, i called it off again.

I constantly feel I'm giving up a crucial part of myself if i do get married with him. But i do love him.

But i love women too, and the connection i get from women that he doesn't give me.

I love lesbian sex more.

I sometimes feel i wouldn't be with another guy if i am not with him. But it's so difficult and painful to break it up with him. I tried but it was so so painful.

Yet society makes it so difficult for me to be sure about settling down with another woman.

And there's the other problem for me: I've always found it impossible to find another female "stronger" than me, emotionally and mentally. So far he's the only one whom i didn't have to "mother".

I have also had to tell him a few times that i truly have no interest in having children. That if we are to be married, it's because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

At this point, i don't know what to do because to continue being in a rs with him means marriage.

If i truly am lesbian i should give this rs up.

I am so lost i don't know what to do. So often i want to die.

Help pls....

Welcome to the Community, nowisaugust. Do you think some professional guidance might help?

I wish you well.

It sounds very difficult. I think you need to decide if you can be happy long term never being with a woman again. Because if you marry him that's the way it will be. I also think you need to make sure he understands that you do not want children, ever. And that needs to be a condition of marriage. I didn't want children but changed my mind for my ex wife. It has been...difficult.
Good luck,
W

Hello NowisAugust: First I'd like to just mention there is a Transgender Forum & also a Relationships Forum here on PC. You may want to consider posting your concern in one or both of these forums as well.

Second, I'd like to also suggest that you find a therapist who can help you to work through your confusion. Be careful though to find one who is familiar & experienced with concerns related to sexual-orientation. A therapist who is not may do more harm than good, in my opinion.

One thing I'm unclear about is to what extent you & your fiancé have discussed your concerns (other than with regard to children.) Is he aware of your sexual-orientation preferences? How does he feel about it? It might be wise for the two of you to engage in come couples counseling around these concerns, particularly if he has reservations.

My personal experience suggests to me your sexual-orientation preferences are not going to lessen or dissolve over time. In fact, if you try to deny them for your fiancé's sake, you may find they become stronger & more insistent.

I'm an older biological male who has been transsexual my entire life. Over 30 years ago I married & settled into a more-or-less typical male lifestyle knowing that, inside, the only thing I wanted was to be a woman. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I really didn't. I just assumed that this was the way it had to be for me.

Anyway, to make a long story short, as I have aged my "trans-ness" has not faded away. It has become a raging inferno that is gradually eating away at my psyche. I managed to keep it a secret until just a few years ago. My wife now knows what has been eating at me for all of these years. But it's really just too late for either of us to do anything about it. So we're just making the best of the situation.

Don't do this to yourself or to your fiancé. Tell him, if you haven't already, about your dilemma, both the part about your love for him but also about your predilection for lesbian sexual relationships. If necessary, seek out a competent couples therapist to help with this process. From my perspective, better to get it all out in the open now, even if it results in the two of you separating, than for you to go ahead and marry him while trying to keep your concerns secret, or keep them under wraps should it turn out he cannot accept them.

nowisaugust, your post could have been written a decade ago by one of my female relatives. Her concerns were identical to those you voiced, right down to every single issue. The only difference is that she had family acceptance, which made her situation easier than yours in many ways.

She had always been oriented toward women and had never dated men. When she decided to give men a try, she soon found an excellent fellow who was her professional equal and who appeared to provide the same stoicism and stability she'd admired in her father. They fell in love, moved in together and married. The honeymoon lasted about three years.

Slowly, over time, the relationship became more dramatic, emotional and uncertain. There were disagreements about money and responsibilities.

Neither one was more to blame than the other. Both had entered the relationship with unrealistic expectations about how this would be different from past relationships that hadn't turned out well.

She learned in her marriage and in subsequent dating that men can create as much drama, emotion and uncertainty as women. They just manifest differently. She had told me prior to her marriage she knew being with a man would be better because there would never be the living hell of two women with PMS living in the same house. I told her men could be just as hormonal, emotional and irrational as PMSy women -- they just had different hormones.

When push came to shove, nothing was really all that different from her previous relationships with women, except she found men didn't, in the long-run, voluntarily do as many household chores as the women she'd lived with and that was a whole new area of conflict. The best thing that came out of it, in her own opinion, is she became less gender biased in her thinking. She started liking and understanding men as human beings a lot more than she had in the past. She's now working on the issues within herself that have sabotaged her relationships ever since the earliest days of kissing her first girl -- the drama, emotions and uncertainty. She finally decided that she was equally guilty as anyone else she'd ever loved.

If your past relationships have been overly dramatic, uncertain and emotional, I strongly urge you to seek guidance before you marry to help you look into your own psyche and behavior to see if you're somehow bringing that into a relationship yourself or choosing partners who do so.

I wish you the best of good fortune in your future life, whether you're with a man or a woman or even if you're alone. All three states can bring joy or sorrow. But, of course, we all knew that.

One's personal, sexual identity is probably not up for modification by any means. Assuming that you are a lesbian (and only you know for sure), you will always be a lesbian. The only option you have is to somehow come to an acceptance of that, which involves telling other people that they can just forget having a relationship with you if they can't accept you as you are. There are lots of women who would happily accept you.

Other

My situation is not as pronounced as yours, but I learned at a young age that I was capable of having relationships with both men and women. My first sexual relationship was with another guy. Other than with my wife, I've had 4 times more sex with guys than girls. But there was a time when I met my wife that I knew she was "my person", irrelevant of gender, she was the "one" I love and that I wanted to be with.

Years have gone by, and my sexual preferences have changed some. I definitely prefer men over women, masturbate almost exclusively to gay sex. We don't have a lot of sex any more, maybe 3-4 times a year. I was satisfied in the past with our M/F sex, but she was the one that stopped and in the absence of any sex, I have filled the void with my fantasies and desires.

It is refreshing (still unfortunate) to see that women can be in the same sexual situation that many bisexual married men find themselves. I've read your post over a few times and I feel that like any life choice you will have to balance the impacts of your decisions. In my case, the positive life benefits I have being with my wife and kids far outweigh the momentary exhilaration and pleasure swapping semen with a hot guy. You have to dig deep and find what you really want and what will fulfill you most.

I'm open to some professional help provided the terms are reasonable. I have been tryi g to find a therapist who is open to glbt people to help me work thru my internal dilemmas.
What do you propose?

I'm so sorry you're feeling confused...you're right it is very difficult

I think ultimately we have to do what is right for us. Sadly that can come with unfortunate consequences; emotional blackmail from family members being one of them. Sexuality is a complex topic and there are many schools of thought. I'd like to point out though; lesbian women can and do have relationships with men and you can be more attracted overall to one gender yet still be bisexual. I'm sorry if that doesn't help to clarify the issue any further but i suppose right now the immediate concern is what to do about your current situation. If you feel like something - whatever it is - is missing from your relationship, then that's not a solid foundation to build a marriage on. Have you spoken to him about any of this? What does he think? I wish you all the best in finding the answers you're looking for.

Thank you for your words of advice. Where he doesn't "fulfill" me, a woman does that very easily. And that's where emotional connection is concerned. Just simply talking to him is oftenan issue. There seems to be so many things i can't talk to him about, at least not without an argument of sorts. Talking to him is testy and tiring. I often need to find the "right" time to talk to him. When i'm feeling down and need someone to just talk to, he won't be able to give me any time if he's stressed about work. If he's working on something (and he's always working on something) i can't interrupt him.

He will be there if it's serious enough. Don't be mistaken that he doesn't care about me at all.

The issue with him isn't just sex. It's come to the point where i don't know if it's even reasonable for me to ask him to give me 15mins of his time when i'm feeling down or if i shouldn't bother him cos he's too stressed with work.
He makes me think i'm being unreasonable and not understanding.

I don't know what to think anymore

@bixkf - Your experience sounds rather similar to mine indeed. I have highlighted my concerns to him multiple times. It always revolves around him not giving me enough time. And i don't think i'm very needy to begin with. I travel very often for work, every other week on average. I no longer stay with him. Iask for him to "chat" with me and sbare his day. I ask for him to be with me for a while when i'm feeling down. I don't expect him to give me the whole night. I just ask for enough time to distract me to let me feel better. But he doesn't want to provide that.

Like with any relationship, you both seem to have needs and expectations. You mentionned before that you accepted his proposal, but postponed twice. Perhaps he feels a sense of doubt from you, or a lack of commitment. Unfortunately, he is probably not recognizing the level of commitment you have for him. I mean, you are literally fighting against your personal nature (being lesbian) and seriously considering giving up on sex with other women, and commiting yourself to a long term relationship with a man. It is not easy giving up and changing a core part of yourself, especially if you believe that you are born gay/bi/str8.

You definitely need time to consider, make a decision and adjust to that decision. And he HAS to give you that time. What you are doing and going through demonstrates to me that you are quite a catch. I don't think he would seriously want you to just jump into a marriage on a whim and get hitched without feeling confident in your decision. Otherwise, you would end up questioning yourself and your decision, and then he would sense this and do the same.

I do think about you and your situation. I wish it were as simple as my decision. I've known all my life I was bisexual (and it really is harder for men to be bi). I've always found it easier being with guys because they are simpler and their needs met easier. And sexually I prefer men. However, when I met my wife I knew she was the "one", and that I was willing to forego gay sex. Believe me, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about, fantasize about, or masturbate to gay sex, but I am commited to my wife.

I sincerely hope you can find the balance with your guy. You shouldn't feel rushed into a decision. Perhaps if he won't give you something as simple and as free as time, you should really think is he is the "one" for you.

Hi bixkf,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my reply.

He told me not too long ago that he's realized that he needs to give me time to wrap my head around the whole notion of marriage. And I respect and appreciate it.

To be honest, I've been very pleasantly surprised and touched that he's willing to give me so much time. At this point, we are trying to work things out. Yes you are right. He is hurt, and he has told me that he needs time to feel confident in my commitment to him. He once thought we were rock solid, and when i asked to end the rs, his whole world shattered. However he never once gave up on us. Even when i moved out (we stayed together for the last 3 yrs), he never threw away whatever remaining possessions i left. He said he's waiting for the chance when i would return. This is the first time I've ever had anyone "wait" for me and express so much belief and dedication to a relationship.

In all the rs I'd ever been with, once it's over, it's really over. Noone waits around for the other person hoping they'll come back.

I think what I had with him was real, and was good. I sometimes do regret shaking everything upside down, but I also think it's very much needed. Otherwise I'd have entered into a marriage with a lot of doubts and questions in my head.

We're now taking time to slowly find our groove back. I'm no longer staying with him 24/7, but I make the effort to stay over on weekends. We try to do things together on weekends, like how we used to. I travel a lot for work, so I'm usually not in my home country on the weekdays anyway; so not staying with him full time wouldn't have much of a difference.

I think i maybe able to come to terms with myself about giving up lesbian sex. I agree that sex is important, but i think i can compromise with good sex rather than constantly searching for great sex. He is a good sex partner. He makes the effort to ensure I'm pleasured in bed. He is, in fact, more sexually adventurous than me, which made me shy. I think he eventually realized I'm a little shy-er than he is.

I'm giving us time to work it out, to see if I'm able to accept him 100% for who he is, flaws and all. He's a very observant man, who's learnt to manage me by sheer observation and introspection. Unfortunately I'm not as observant. I tend to assume his actions based on "feeling" than "statistics". So I'm trying to do this now.

You have been very helpful just by sharing your experience. I never quite understood how guys can know someone is "the one" but you've demonstrated amazing commitment to your wife, and I applaud you for that.

Thanks so much for all your kind words