I fantasize about having an affair.

been there... done that... she just "knows". it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am sure you don't and I am not suggesting that you draw up papers or anything. What I am saying is use strong words to gain her attention and realise that this is something important to you and she is risking your future by disregarding that.

Let's face it, atm it is an issue that you feel you need to talk about and want resolving to be happy. What happens if in ten years it becomes a larger issue and cause of resentment for the reason you weren't happy for all these years? Things can build up over time and become the reason you have an affair and brake up your loving family or a loving relationship brakes down. I am not saying it will but maybe forcefully requesting this is dealt with now, could save that in the future? x

been there... done that... she just "knows". it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

she can be very odd and determined about odd issues when she just "knows" she is right. and it's like pulling teeth to get her to see there really is more than one way to look at something...

the shame of it is, she's very intelligent and disciplined... she is currently working on a doctorate.

I have to be very careful... because if I don't play my cards right... I can very easily see her divorcing me, because I'm the bad guy in that I want to have an affair. or I'm the bad guy, because I keep trying to get her to do something "dirty"... but, she'll fail to tell her friends and family that the dirty thing I want her to do is to enjoy sex, and maybe try to have an orgasm...( because she's never had one before. ).

and of course, she'll fail to tell people that she knows I've been frustrated for years over her issues... (her issues being: she knows she can't do anything about her sexual desire... she knows orgasms are for "dirty" girls, not her). Edit: but, instead of offering to get help... she decided it's not something she can do anything about..

Aren't I a terrible monster?

Then maybe now isn't the right time for her to explore the reasons. Maybe you need to give her time....and possibly nothing may change with time but one thing is clear....she is not ready to deal with it! I don't think forcing her hand is the right thing to do I really don't.

Look, I know sex is important but really, it is just sex...sorry its just my opinion but I feel sorry for her. Why should she do something she really doesn't want to do? Why is it we see her as the one with the problem?

We are allowed to be very expressive and free with desire and passion when I truly believe, people should take more control. If someone doesn't like sex, why should we want to FIX THEM.

So maybe one possibility is, neither of you are right here, why should any of you do something about it? You may be forced to decide whether you can carry on without it. What comes across to me is your fear that she doesn't enjoy it, and I think its all for the wrong reasons, I think your ego is getting in the way a bit.

OR maybe all of the above is wrong Only you and your wife can figure this out but it has to be in a way that is healthy and safe for you both

I can see your point.... and that's why I'm still with her. Like I said.. I'll talk it over with my T.... after I let him read all this.

I am obviously frustrated about all this.. and I don't get many chances to talk about it.

It is hard for me to see this as anything other than her issues with sex.... issues that I didn't know existed until after we were married. If I had known she was like this.. I would not have married her.

I don't think giving her an ultimatum about an affair is the right thing to do. I think being honest about the fact that this is braking down your relationship and asking her to make an effort to save that is a reasonable thing to do? If she brought something like that to you then you would try?

I am not sure that she would throw away her relationship away and not work on things?

Good for you

I believe you will do the right thing. I applaud you for telling us about it, I think you should feel good about yourself for exploring the issue rather than going out and having the affair.

I wish you the best of luck I really do....hopefully, the worst way, you can both compromise...how, I don't know...maybe that's something to work out.....

Actually all of that is a very good point

I don't think you should leave something to fester for too long but maybe it is for you to get over and not her? or at least leave for now anyway x

well, you haven't been married to her for 15 years.

and I had no intentions of giving some ultimatum.

Well, I am going to stop now....if you would base a relationship on sex, I have no words for you. SEX IS SO FRICKING OVERRATED! Get over yourself dude and understand sex is one factor to a relationship, not a fricking deal breaker!

Sorry I am mad...no, I am frustrated...sorry but I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that.

Ok, so, again, I wish you the best...and I also wish the best for your wife...I feel for her, I really do...and maybe you should feel for her instead of thinking about what it is YOU WANT. It is not all about you and your sex ego.

A curious thread for me and this is speaking as a guy who doesn't find sex that important in my relationship. As such and I find it hard to speculate how sex dominates the spectrum of a partnership, is there a way of looking at context here?

You've said that she's a good person, that she's the woman you want to raise your children with... that you've been together for 15 years (which denotes a hell of a lot of commitment in this day and age)... is risking all of the positive things you share together worth sampling potential forbidden fruit to fulfil a desire/curiosity (god forbid the person you had an affair with didn't get an orgasm either... there would be an element of irony in that but I'm not trying to demean the question you're asking).

Also, you've mentioned that she is very disciplined... that's a quality that denotes denying oneself of certain pleasures to achieve other goals or keep things at a manageable state... finances, diet.... relationships.

Could the above be something that could be used in this context for yourself?

Don't get me wrong, not judging you (at least I hope non of the above appears that way)... you have your own life and decisions to make and fair play and good luck to which ever path you choose... I guess I just want to draw attention to weighing up all the variables before taking the plunge.

Window shopping is one thing (as well as fantasising)... actually crossing over the bridge to see if the grass is really greener is another hehe.

check out the edit I made to post #24.,, Edit: but, instead of offering to get help... she decided it's not something she can do anything about..

Then DEAL WITH IT! I think its you that has the problem not her.

Don't take me the wrong way....I am only putting stuff out there for you to think about. If I didn't care about your situation I wouldn't bother spending my afternoon discussing it with you

Nope, I haven't and that's why I asked (hence the ?)

But you seemed annoyed with me so I will stop now. I really hope that you can find a resolve with it x

Yeah.. I am pretty frustrated. and perhaps I should stop for now, so I don't take that frustration out on innocent parties.

I do appreciate the admission that this is a frustrating problem. and I have been dealing with it.

and I do appreciate y'all taking the time to discuss it with me.

I do plan on bringing this up with my T tomorrow. He's dealt with her one on one in the past.. so, maybe he can give me some insights I haven't considered before.

What do you mean by atm?

I think that is the best option. I can see myself letting her know that this has gone on long enough.. it's time to deal with this... I'm tired of being patient... I'm tired of dealing with it on my own....

I don't want to have an affair. I don't want to get a divorce... I want my wife to try and enjoy sex instead (or at least try to determine if there is anything she really can do, I want her to check her assumptions, instead of continuing to assert that they are true) of just copping out and saying "there's nothing I can do".. more often would be nice, too.

If she can't see that this is an important issue, then something must change. (and I hate to admit it might be my own attitude that might have to change).

Unfortunately, I have learned from experience, that if I don't initiate sex.. it just isn't going to happen.

see my post #36.

Ok, so the real issue here is with your attitude towards it. YOU want her to enjoy it...well you cant make her enjoy it if she doesn't like it! Is it because you genuinely want her to enjoy it for her pleasure, or is it YOU would benefit more from this?

I am not saying this shouldn't be a problem...I am saying it shouldn't be a problem for selfish reasons. You may just have to accept your wife doesn't enjoy sex. For now, she is not ready, and she may never be ready but that is for her to deal with and for her to worry about...but only if she wants to.

I think it may help pin point WHY you really want her to enjoy it. If it is for her benefit, you have already been told she aint ready....if you come to the conclusion its YOUR problem, then it is time to look deep within and deal with your own issues.

I know it isn't easy and I know this because I am that wife that doesn't enjoy sex...luckily for me, my husband is ok with that as long as I am happy and to be honest, I really am ok with it. The last thing I would need or want is for my husband to put pressure on me to enjoy it...actually, that would make me not like it even more. I would also resent him for being so selfish. Luckily for us, because we can communicate our feelings, we found a compromise that works for us. He admitted he didn't need sex for emotional connection or anything like that, it is purely the act itself that he enjoys...so yeah, I am cool with having sex with him on occasion..but it is under the understanding I do this for him...and sometimes I may not want to at all. I know it isn't the most romantic situation but for us it works. We have built our marriage based on love and trust for each other on stronger foundations than having a fulfilling sex life. We have our needs for intimacy met through other forms of contact and real communication.

I understand this may not work for everyone and I understand sex is more important to some ppl.....if it is a deal breaker for you, you need to look at other ways to feel whatever void sex fills.

So stop hassling her and blaming her and search deep within to find why her enjoying it is important to you...is it for her or is it for you?

^that puts the entire accusation of my ego being the issue into perspective. You obviously identify with my wife. so, you are unable to see any of this from my point of view.

It would be pointless for me to try to persuade you that you're wrong about me. that I have been patient.. that I am a good husband (not perfect, but not totally at fault, either).

You've already made up your mind about me....

You need to realize that you are not my wife.. and I am not your husband....

but, I do thank you for being honest... not everyone would come back and admit what you've admitted.

Although I do indentify with your wife, it doesn't mean I am unable to see your perspective. Please don't think I am attacking you. I have said many things in this thread, some for you and some for your wife. I think you should remain open to all possibilities. I am just someone sitting in my living room, at my laptop giving an opinion based on very little info...it is hard as I wont know all the contributing factors. My simple aim is to make you think. Don't get mad with me....at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what I think..so don't let it upset you.

I see your point of view...but it just so happens I have a different one that may be worth thinking about because your current point of view is getting you nowhere.

Have you actually even considered how this makes your wife feel?

Your feelings are real. ...they are important and I am sorry you don't feel validated.

So why is this so important to you?
What does her enjoying it mean for you?
Do you satisfy any emotional needs through sex?