I fantasize about having an affair.

The bottom line is that I feel guilty for fantasizing about affairs... I'm also frustrated because I have tried to let my wife know that I wish things were different as far as sex was concerned... but, things haven't changed much..... I have even talked to a T before about this very issue..

So, I'm doing what I can to deal with the situation. I've started this thread.. and I plan on talking to my T about it again. I've never mentioned the desire to have an affair to my T.

those questions are a little too personal for me to actually answer... but, I don't mind considering them.

and yes, you have said some helpful things. I'll reread your posts to be sure I take them to heart.

but, you're still making some assumptions about how I treat my wife and her feelings.

Well you have taken an important step in admitting these feelings and facing them for what they are. Some would of just had the affair.

Don't feel guilty about the fantasy, you obviously enjoy sex and will have this fantasy because your needs are not met. You haven't actually acted on it so so far you have done nothing wrong. So far you are making all the right noises.

Ok, well I hope you find peace with all this. I know it isn't easy. You dont have the power to change your wife...you only have the power to change your thinking. If your wife can't help and you want this to work, you will need to find a way of thinking that makes this ok. Time for a new perspective and belief maybe?

Anyway, this is going to be a journey for you and I honestly whole heartedly admire your honesty and will to make this better.

I am off to bed now. Do take care and I really do hope you and your wife can find a way of making this work.

Don't take everything I have said to heart...please just draw on anything, if anything at all, that resonates with you and helps you learn. Please disregard the rest as mad ramblings

^thank you! I can see that you mean well... and that means a lot to me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with putting importance on the sexual aspect of your relationship at all really. Sex and the intimacy and exclusiveness that comes with it is a reasonably important aspect of a relationship imo. I think if someone didn't feel comfortable with that and wouldn't try and heal that void, I would feel frustrated and hurt.

Some people would see religious faith as an issue that affects their partnership, other's consider financial stability (or loss of) a real issue. If I married someone who then turned T total and didn't like music, I would feel that this was something lacking for me and would try and encourage my partner to have a glass of wine with me and listen to music at certain times, whereas this wouldn't bother another person. Everyone wants a forefilled and compatible relationship and people put importance on different things to feel that.

You seem to have a very happy relationship, other than this, and I am sure you both work hard to be the best for each other and at being good parents too, no doubt. Imo asking your wife to work with you on those things that are lacking for you, is just as important as anything else that affect either one of you. I am not saying try and make her do anything she doesn't want to, but simply to talk to you and think and try and for you both to understand better, is a healthy start. Perhaps agree to some kind of therapy etc.

Can you not fantasise about your wife instead? If you are going to think up an imaginary women that enjoys sex, why not just imagine that person is your wife and fantasise about your sex life with her? x

Hi shakespeare. I've been skimming over people's responses here and there have been some great and thought-provoking things said.

First of all, to give you a bit of context as to where I am coming from, I think it's perfectly fine for sex to be a deal-maker or -breaker. That said, my thinking is that, regardless of your sexual preferences, or your wife's, you seem to be incompatible. For whatever reason. There is no judgement. I'm sure your wife is lovely. You seem to genuinely care for her wellbeing, and the wellbeing of your relationship, not just getting your rocks off. I think that's great.

I also think that if it's important to you, you need to be very frank about it. It's great that you have an otherwise good relationship. But if any part of it bothers you to this extent, then it is worth looking at. And not just glancing at, assigning some responsibility in either direction, and then acting like it never got talked about in the first place. You mentioned that you have sort of noncommittally pursued affairs (or an affair?) in the past. This tells me that you truly are unhappy with the state of things, and that it's been going on for a long time, given the fact that "the last time was 7 years ago".

Have you sat down and talked to your wife? Does she know how much this is bothering you? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is already harm being caused. It is being caused to you, and it is inadvertently being caused to her. I suspect that if you stay in this relationship and nothing changes, you will most likely end up having an affair. And you are most probably correct in assuming that an affair would cause quite a bit of harm. They usually do.

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing about affairs. It's quite common, even in "happy" relationships. But that's not really the issue here. The issue is that you're not getting your needs met. And in order for you to get them met, there needs to be some negotiating, and possibly, at some point, a parting of ways. (I realize that I'm playing the devil's advocate here. I don't think there's a good person and a bad person in this relationship. I think there are two people who have two completely different views on something that is extremely important to one of them. And I think that automatically as soon as it is sex, and the issue is that one person wants more of it, there is a tendency to shame that person and make it about "well if you loved (him/her) you wouldn't make such a big deal out of it," when in fact sex is one of the basic necessities of life, though of course the extent to which it is needed varies from person to person.) And I think that if you can't be open about your needs, and if you and your wife can't have honest (and respectful, and compassionate) discussions about important issues, than that too might be worth looking at.

As an aside, I will say that culturally (in most cultures globally, I will add) men's pleasure is more important than women's. And in fact, in some cultures, it is illegal for women to show skin of any kind, and women face violence for appearing sexy, or to want sex, or appearing immodest in any way. That might give you some context about why a woman might not seem to care about orgasm. I have a sister like that. I don't understand it either (and I'm a woman). I'm not saying this is the precise reason you and your wife are sexually incompatible. I'm just saying that often, when men complain about women not enjoying sex or not really making a priority of it, they rarely take into account that there is so much more riding on sexuality and identity than there is for men.

Also...not saying that you're not making an effort. No assumptions made here. It seems you are making every effort. And I'm not saying your wife's not. It could be very true that valuing orgasm and/or more passionate sex is something that's not even remotely important to her and, regardless of the hows or whys of it, that is her right to make that decision and to have those views. However, both of you have the right to have your needs met (providing they are not causing harm - or, in some cases, more harm than necessary), and so I think it's worth thinking about in this way: if your wife never changes, and your needs are not being met, what are you going to do about it? Because you can't make people change, and you can't make them want to change. And only you can decide that for yourself. Nobody else can make that decision for you.

Best of luck to you.

Addendum: I offer my perspective and experience only. As with anything else, take what is useful and leave the rest...

^Thank you. What I found interesting in some of the other responses is the assumption that I haven't talked to her about it.. or that I haven't brought it up in counseling..... I've done both...

When she talks about it... it is to defend her lack of desire.... I should say a majority of the time, that's what she does... there have been a tantalizingly few times when she seems to want to make an effort.... but, then she just falls back on the standard "there's nothing I can do" and then that's it... end of story. If you were to take what she says at face value.. she already knows that there is no therapy... no book... no friends... no advice... that could even conceivably help her.... Why does she believe this? Because she knows it's true...

And that is what it is like to live with her....lol. She gets these ideas... and that's it.... I have been able to get her to see that she is making assumptions( about other topics).. Perhaps I could try to root out those assumptions.... But, shes does have a right to feel the way she feels ... then again, she harasses me about things... and it is important to me. Except again... she has vilified me over issues in the past with her friends.... It's a crapshoot..

But, I'll talk to my T about it tonight....and let y'all know how it goes.

Wow. I haven't read the whole thread completely through as I was wanting to reply, I will go back though and read them. I'm just giving you a little insight on my experience. I'm in my early 40's and was brought up with the belief that sex is a dirty bad thing good girls don't do. I've had to reprogramme myself that it is ok to have sex. And to be honest sex now in my 40's is the best I've ever experienced. I do have a younger man by 10 years so this may be a factor but we are so close and are best friends as well. Probs not much help but thought I'd share.

sure... I hear you... there is hope. but, as of today, she has no desire to see sex differently.

and I feel resentment because when we were dating... she initiated a lot of sex.... then she stopped.... and instead tells me that this is the way she is now... and she insists there is no solution..

Just wondering if she initiated sex when you were dating she must not have thought sex to be dirty or was it faked enjoyment?

She liked doing things to me... looking back on it now.. maybe it was more of a control thing... she never acted like she thought sex was dirty (the first time we had sex was great...and our honeymoon was great).. but, she definitely has this idea that having an orgasm is dirty or wrong somehow... I suspect part of the aversion is that she doesn't want to loose control.

OMG if only she would just allow herself one just one I think she would quickly change her mind

I think you guys should go to couples counseling before this becomes a bigger issue. Sex is an important part of the relationship and definitely a deal breaker. If you are considering this on a real level then do the right thing. Either work on it together or move on.

I was raised Christian and turned atheist at about 13.

I have to say that my husband is a wonderful person. Everyone who meets him instantly loves him. He has stayed faithful through our whole marriage. I cheated twice when manic from Bipolar Disorder. I had fo have an abortion from one of the affairs. I'm not using the BPD as an excuse. I feel lots of guilt over it even though he says I don't have to.

Anyway, what if you have an affair and fall in love with someone else. That would hurt more than trying to tell her how you feel. My husband had a long-term gf when we met. He didn't intend to breakup with her for me. But he had to because he couldn't stop seeing me. Even after I made him tell her. And I was just one of 5 girls in slept with in the 5 years they were together. The big problem was she had a sex phobia and he was a highly sexual guy. Most people know that's how we met and still love him.

Anyway, are there kids involved? I've seen people your age have separate bedrooms after the kids move out because of things like this.

The best route is to tell her how we feel. Go to a couple's sex therapist. That's the best for everyone.

PS-what rekindled our sex life because of libido killing meds: medical marijuana. My libido goes through the roof. My hubby can barely keep up. Maybe you can try that first? A lot cheaper than counseling. Lol

Not sure if the "we" in the second to last sentence is a Freudian slip. :P

Just curious but is your wife on any medication? I ask because one of the horrible side effects is loss of libido...which as I mentioned, happened to me.

I did talk to my T as promised. We first met him about 8 years ago... for couples therapy... We mostly dealt with my issues with her family.... and my family.... We did talk about some sexual issues.. but, not this extreme lack of desire, or her aversion to even trying to have an orgasm (okay, we did try together once or twice).

Anyway, after couples therapy we started seeing him separately... So, we've both known him for a long time...

He basically recommended that I buy a vibrator... and that is what I plan on doing.

I did also tell him about fantasizing about affairs....

I'm open to couples counseling... we'll see how the vibrator works out...

My biggest fear is that she will be so angry or embarrassed that she will tell her friends about it in a way that makes me "the bad guy". Because, she has done just that over other issues.

Shakespeare47-
Seriously talk to your wife before you buy one. She might not be able to get over the idea is using something foreign. I know a lot of people who were raised religious, depending on the religion, and who have a hard time-subconsciously, getting that little voice nagging in the back of their heads to shut up. She might think it's just for baby-making. She might just not feel sexy at all. I would start with books first, like The Guide to Getting It On (which would reassure her that it's all OK and Purse Sex by Hooper.

Anyway, it sounds like she would be too shocked to do anything if you just whipped a vibrator out. I think the books would ease her into it a bit more and if you read some together, like Pure Sex, you'll find out eachother's prefs real quick.

No you are not a monster! I wish my man was as concerned about My pleasure as you are your wife! My "love life" is all about HIM & what HE wants. I jump through hoops to make him happy, & then he's done whether I am or not