I fantasize about having an affair.

I just want to clear this up... I specifically said that I do not expect her to orgasm during sex...in post number 97.

You keep changing your story! What the...I have spent a lot of time writing to you on this thread to try and help you out and this is how you address me for the first time? Unless I missed it in the almost 100 replies. You've even mentioned that you don't understand how a woman in her 40s has never had an orgasm!
We're you expecting people to say, "go ahead buddy, live out yor fantasy?"

I think I'll leave before I say something I regret.

This is a quote from my post number 97..(I added the underlining)

@Newbie12.. anyway... you do bring up a good point... woman can have different attitudes towards orgasms...

I see this turned into a very long thread...can't read through it all but have skipped some messages on way through.

I still don't think you are getting the point....I don't think (IMO) there is anything you can do right now that can fix this. You need to stop being a brat and accept she just isn't into it right now. IMO you are worrying about all the wrong things as I see you are posting the same problems.

Your poor wife is probably very ashamed, embarrassed and alone right now when it comes to sex.

You need to let her know that it is fine, because I assure you she will sense its not from your behaviour and the dissatisfaction she senses. Once she feels comfortable enough, maybe she will open up about it. But you must first drop this and make it entirely about her...not what you WANT but what is it SHE NEEDS!

I hope you have learned something from this thread.

Do you have any idea what your wife might be going through to have sex with you at all? Maybe she already is making an effort? Maybe you should think yourself lucky to have sex with a woman that really isn't into it - WHAT I mean by that is, feel lucky she isn't totally saying no. Maybe this is all she can give? You keep saying she was into it at first ...well yeah buddy, things change as we get older!

Has anything happened to knock her confidence? Sometimes I don't want to have sex because my self esteem or confidence is at a low ebb. There are so many things to take into consideration. Has she put on weight? Has anything traumatic happened to her?

I talked to my T about it tonight... we're going to try and set up a time to see him together so we can talk about it...

That's fantastic! Please go easy on your wife. If you want her to open up at all she will need to feel safe and secure. If she feels pressure she may withdraw and be defensive.

Good luck!

^I hear you...

Still haven't set up a time to talk to our T... but, we have talked about it on our own.... she wasn't opposed to trying a vibrator, so, after talking about what kind she'd feel comfortable with, I ordered one....she feels embarrassed about using it while I watch, and it may take her a while to warm up to that idea, but I'm okay with that.

Well, I can only speak from my own perspective here...for a woman that doesn't usually want/like sex, to have to put on a 'show' for her partner would seem very daunting and I imagine she will also feel a lot of pressure to 'perform' for you. And because of the pressure she may put on herself, she wont enjoy it and you could push her further away from you.

I really feel as though again you are thinking about yourself here. Getting the vibrator itself is a good idea. I think a better approach is to let her try it on her own and maybe work up to you both enjoying it. When she is ready to have you involved, I don't think its a good idea to watch her while she does it alone, I think it would be better if you started using it (on her) and then suggest she tries it herself while you are there?

I think this is a really good idea...but first she must be allowed to do it in private and maybe she can relax enough to enjoy it!

Good luck!

Sorry you're dealing with this. I've been with someone who doesn't orgasm and is somewhat frigid. It's very painful, soul crushing really. Yeah no duh you want an affair, you're only human.

If your wife doesn't masturbate then you are really screwed. Only 20% of women are capable of orgasming from penetration, meaning most of us get off by "rubbing one out" with out hand or grinding on a guy. As a girl you figure out how to do this by masturbating, so it will take her loads of self exploration IMO to even have a shot. Unless... You have lesbian esque cunnilingus skills.

Unfortunately I have no advice, but it's not your fault. I've been there too. I've wanted to cheat. Don't know what to say other than, how human it is to want to be intimate...

wow !
This is some thread ..
I do have one question
You said your seeing a T , was it because of the lack of sex your getting ?
If so then why on earth didn't the T say to you I want you to ask your wife to join us and talk about this so she/he can view both sides and give you both the help you need .

I think what you need to do is see a marriage counselor , your wife needs to see how you feel and I know you said you talked to her but maybe she will understand better by having a counselor there as well . Maybe she will open up more and tell you what is really going on .

But to have an affair is only going to cause more problems ... trust me I know , I had a few and yes I told my husband he new about it at the time . I don't regret it but I won't do it again .

there is a new wrinkle... I left my T after he revealed he is involved with Narconon... I will not be involved with someone with such close ties to Scientology....

so now, it's just me and my wife trying to work things out.. after talking about it...I bought her a small vibrator.. but, she hasn't even tried it out, yet.

we haven't had sex in weeks.. she's really busy with work..... she knows I want sex more often.... but, it seems to me like she's just minimizing my needs... she just says "I know. sorry, I'm really busy.."

and that's about the size of it... I did mention I thought she should look into getting some help for her lack of desire... but, unfortunately, knowing my wife the way I do.. she probably won't.

I don't know how long I'm supposed to put up with this crap.

it appears she is putting me in the position where I must either accept that I'm married to a woman who doesn't care about sex all that much (even though that's not the woman I thought I was marrying), or I must do something drastic like ask for a separation... something I'm not prepared to do right now...

it's sad because for the most part we get along very well. and we're raising an awesome son together...

I feel bad for you , my advise is do a trial separation . Marriage has to be 50/50 or it just can not work . She is not willing to do anything and that is going to leave you angry , bitter and will cause you health problems in the long run .

There is a point you have to say enough is enough and this ride is over !

You have to weigh up EVERYTHING....but in my opinion, if you are ok in all other areas, this isn't a reason to split up. You have too much going on for sex to get in the way.

We are both in our mid to late 40's. Perhaps it's time to put sex on the back burner, so to speak. We did have a pretty good sexual encounter a few days ago.

I just wish she'd show a little more interest.

Ever heard the saying "You can't have everything.... Where would you put it?"?