ok I';ll bite the bullet

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i guess this has become the catch all thread for everyone disclosing about their sexual issues...

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Yes, and that is the intention of this forum.

I think we're still on topic here, discussing why the "heat" goes out of relationships. The current discussion is definetly another reason for that.

You're right about needing to identify what one wants FIRST. I've really been working on that. I know what I want in a relationship, now I just have to find the one that "fits" so that I can be happy, and in turn, give back to the relationship.

I know it is the purpose of this forum.
Though of course it is more that it is PART or ONE of the purposes of the forum (lets not forget all the transgendered folk out there).

I thought threads were meant to be about supporting the person who initiates the thread...

But no matter. What do I care? Not a whole heap if it wasn't for this double standard kind of thing where some people get lots of these:



(if there is anything that could result in my actually smashing my computer it is that %#@&#! icon)

(and gee of course wouldn't it be funny to respond to me with some of those right now??? hehehe)

I guess I thought the topic was more why the heat has gone out of this particular relationship. There are many reasons, I guess... I guess I thought the poster wanted to know about their relationship rather than other peoples (where others may well be for different reasons)

Yes, this forum is about anything concerning sexual issues, including transgender issues. There can be many threads in a particular forum. This thread is about loosing "heat" in relationships.

Hope that clarified some. =)

~Rayna

k, will try again, freudian therory as never been one of my favorites alex, its a bit outdated and proven wrong repeatedly in most aspects, but so not to get off topic, neither parent were role models per se, so they cannot be held accountable for my behavioral traits today, i live by the live and learn rule, there are no absolutes, only the here and now, and where i am at now, you dont want to be here.

hey mellors.

i didn't mean for my post to be unsupportive to you, i was just concerned that the topic of the thread was how the original poster could get the heat back in their relationship.

as the discussion unfolded it became clear that it was how to spice up a fairly good 10 year long relationship.

as such, i guess i thought that troubles people are having with intimacy and control were seperate issues. but... it is okay :-)

freudian theory is indeed an outdated theory that has been shown to be false (or unfalsifyable) in many respects. fortunately, psychodynamic theorising has come a long way since freud. if you look at the state of other disciplines around the time of freud (biology, chemistry, physics, - there was no psychology, remember) then most of the theories of the day have since been found to be false in many respects. fortunately, theorising in the other sciences has come a long way since then.

there are four major schools of current psychodynamic theorising. ego psychology (which is most closely aligned to freud), object relations, something else that i can't remember..., and self psychology. while they are 'rival' in some respects they are also seen to be complimentary in some respects. there is a lot of recent work that has been done on the neurobiology of attachment that supports some psychodynamic theses such as:

- our attachment relationship to our early attachment figures is highly predictive of our personality / character traits later in life
- our attachment relationship to our early attachment figures is highly predictive of our attachment reltionships later in life

these theses have been empirically shown to be true. sure it is possible for people to 'transcend' early attachment relationships but the way in which people transcend them is by having 'remedial' experiences later in life.

it isn't about holding your parents accountable (blame is beside the point) but it is about attempting to understand why it is that you relinquish control to your attachment figures in the present. attachment relationships are meetings of two people and one person isn't completely responsible for the way things go.

maybe... instead of encouraging you to take control with manageable things so you could experience success with taking control your parent/s wanted to retain control (because of their own needs) and so now you are frightened to take control?

dunno... hard to say when i don't really know anything about you... things to think about at any rate...

I agree with Kimmy. From a male perspective, "shock" is a good thing.

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bebop said:
we have been together 10 yrs in april. biggest issue? ummm not really alot of issues here. we get along great! only one argument in those 10 yrs and it was very minor.

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Hmm -

YEP......... I would say that it is time to SPICE it up.

Please try and learn to be more up front with your own wants (and dislikes) - - - and if you have rarely been the initiator in the want sex department try and take charge at least once a week and do it with passion and fire.... let HIM know that YOU want HIM (and badly).

Relax and ENJOY!! -

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
Try this site for some spicy ideals - sign up for the FREE Newsletter.....

LINK: http://www.drlauraberman.com/PublicSite/Index.aspx

she should initiate at LEAST once a week? Rhapsody - really? After 25 years?

Wow - you're my hero

I consider my sex life to be pretty good but...

LOL LOL LOL = THANKS

and........................ once a week is giving HIM a break, for if I had it my way it would be more like three times a week - oh the good old days.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - Its All Good

there are things i do to my husband that seem to keep the "heat" alive.

sometimes during the day i send him sexy little text messages telling him what i would like to do when he gets home.

sometimes after the kids go to bed i will go hop in the shower and then make a "walk" through the living room wearing only a short t-shirt.

somtimes i even go as far as instigating things after he has gone to bed before me. ( those times are great)

hubby and i have been together for almost 14 years and have been married for 10 next week and we go through dry spells as well.

I try to tell him how sexy he is and make him feel good about himself.

~~~~~btw walking around the house naked, seems to spark the fire...

Oh you said shower and it reminded me of something I did once when my boyfriend at the time was in the shower. I had on an old dress that I lounged around it, just a long slip dress. I got in the shower with him still dressed......he loved it!!

Ah... sweet memories!

Did I ever tell you that Jerry and I call John our "Afternoon Delight"? It was on a Mother's Day!

i guess that would heat things up!!! i climb in the shower with my hubby sometimes and yes things can get heated in there.. whew what fun!

Try it fully clothed sometime......

i will...

afternoon delight... now that is fun.. we tell the kids we are "taking a nap" . he he he he he of course my daughter is always liek yeah right mom

glad this got back to my topic lol. anyway let me first say my husband is very hmmmm close minded sexually. or very shy. I don't think he really likes to try new things. pretty straight in that dept. any ideas to bring out the animal in him? lol

Again... try "shock therapy"!! Like the saying goes... "Just do it!"

Just start off slow so as not to make him feel uncomfortable. Take a look at what he IS comfortable with and expand on that.....maybe even try having a conversation about it? Can you ask him what he'd like to try? Or maybe ask him if there's anything he's always wanted to do, but hasn't? Or find out what his fantasies are and try to act them out?

haha tomi. think I will. he is off tonight lol