Does letting women get on top make you less of a man?

Hi again!
I know the title stinks of reactionary chauvinism. Sorry for that. It's not my intention.

As I already told you in another thread, I've been circumcised a month and a half ago. I had sex recently for the first time after the surgery, and it arised that question. And all-time question, should I say: I've been wondering about it before the circumcision.

It's simple, I guess, and probably I'm overanalizing, when I ought to rather not mind and just enjoy.

Anyway...
I love being on bottom. I love being rode by a woman. Not because I'm lazy. Actually, I love doggy, too. Missionary just doesn't make it for me (not yet, at least). But having the woman on top is one of the things I enjoy the most, if not the thing I enjoy the most.

What makes me worry is not being accused of laziness (which wouldn't be big deal), but feeling less of a man. Or feeling less of a man before women's eyes.

I mean... "Less of a man" in terms of control, initiative, "alphamaleness", etcetera.

Rationaly, I know it's medieval to believe that penetration and male domination are everything. Also, I know that sex is something both of lovers make together, and that being a man and a good lover relies more on be emotionaly open and tender and sweet and caring, and that it doesn't depend on penetration itself as much as it depends on kissing and caressing and hugging.

But I can't help feeling weak and submissive (in the wrong sense) while being on bottom, rode by a woman.

Any input? Can anyone please help me to see things differently? Because I'm unable to do it on my own.

And, of course, I don't mean to ask you to tell me what I want to hear.
Thank you in advance!

Something to consider: why does being "less of a man" matter to you? Why do you feel the need to be reassured about this? What is wrong with being weak and submissive? Is it a self-esteem issue? Are you afraid of being thought less of by your partners? By other men? I could tell you that enjoying different sex things doesn't make you more or less "manly", but I'm not sure it would be much help if you don't figure out/answer the underlying fear.

I don't know anything about the sexual culture in your country, TryingStill. In the United States, being on top is the preferred position of many women. They feel it improves their ability to orgasm because the position allows better clitoral stimulation during penile penetration than some of the other positions. Some women don't like it because they feel more self-conscious about their bodies in that position. In the USA, many men seem to prefer to have the woman astride them during intercourse. It can bring pleasure to both sexes.

If you like it and if the woman you are with likes it, then all is good.

In general, for both parties to feel comfortable and satisfied by the encounter it's important to learn to talk openly, honestly and kindly to your partner about what positions and activities you both want to engage in and what brings you both pleasure. That, more than anything else, will contribute to you being a good lover.

I am glad you have been able to resume sexual activity after your recent surgery. I wish you the best.

Good point.

Yes, I think it's a self-esteem issue. I've been worried all my life because of my foreskin. Having a non-retractable one was a reason for me to feel ashamed of my own body. And although I got circumcised, I'm aware it takes time to get used to it. I don't expect (I shouldn't expect) overnight changes.

It's a self-esteem issue as it has a lot to do with the need to feel accepted, with the need to seek for validation in others.

I wasted many years in denial. Instead of grewing some balls and undergoing surgery, I focused in other so called problems, only in order to cover up the underlying real problem. It was being self-conscious and having a complex about my tight foreskin (the way it worked, the way it looked) what prevented me from getting intimate with anyone else. Yet, I would discard and ignore it and make myself believe I was shy or whatever. As I said, I wasted many years worrying about something that was not the real problem. I would spend eternal hours reading on-line about how to be more confident towards women, how to be an alpha-male and all that kind of stupid stuff. I even met a girl (over an on-line dating site) who would lecture me about how I should stop being whatever I was in her eyes and start behaving like an "alpha male".

(Funny thing, I was not sexually interested in her, but I thought she could have the answers I supossedly was looking for... And I don't mean to be rude, but damn, I was asking for advice from someone who was sexually molested during her childhood! Is there any wonder she liked "agressive and dominant alpha males" the best?)

So... Maybe it's a matter of lacking experience in the field, to put it somehow. I probably should start building my own point of view, not by asking others about what is wrong and what is right, but living out things directly, by myself. Of course, looking for support in here is a whole different ballgame, since I'm not asking others what is wrong and what is right, but instead questioning the need of asking such thing. Hope you understand.

I guess our sexual culture is not so different from yours. I've never been in the USA, though. All I can say is our country, in appearance, is as unhibited as any other country in terms of what you see in television, magazines and mass media. Yet, behind closed doors, I would say that we are very prude and, in sum, very hypocritical.

I could go on and on with this subject, but we are discussing personal experience in here, so...

None of the women I've been with had any problems with going on top. Or, I least, I cannot recall now that anyone refused or felt weird about it. All of them, as far as I can remember, seemed to really enjoy it.

What annoys me is what image of manhood I'm displaying, given that such image takes a principal role in a relationship. I mean... One of my worst and more dreaded fantasies is being in a relationship and dumped by my partner because she find someone who would have sex with her in more active postures, someone who would actually **** the **** out her brains. That scares me pretty much.

As a side note, it was me who put those *'s beforehand.

Thank you both for your replies.

When a woman rides you facing you, you see the breasts and their movement can be an intoxicating sight.

When a woman rides you with her back to you, you see the curvature of her waist and hips, and if she leans towards your legs, that position intensifies the angle, and that, too, can be extremely sexy.

In my experience (which is admittedly limited), that - those views that a man can enjoy without having to move much - are the ultimate pleasure of having the woman on top, and not any sort of objectionable laziness, weakness, submissiveness, non-alphamaleness, desire to give the woman control or special kind of stimulation - none of that.

In other words, it simply provides an unparalleled view of the sensual beauty of the woman's body in motion.

Also, if the woman leans, she can stroke either the chest or the legs of the man with her nipples, and that, again, is an unparalleled massage experience.

A lot of men I've been with have said that's their favorite position. I prefer being on bottom myself, mainly because I feel overexposed being on top. It's a preference, nothing unmanly about it!!!

Well, those where some interesting insights
I'm glad to read such testimonials!

So, once I again, and "for a change", I got tangled and lost in my own web of worries?

I definitely second SnakeCharmer that communicating with your partner, being open about your desires and what both of you are comfortable with and how to please each other more is one of the most important things in any sexual relationship. You don't have to be "manly" or aggressive or "alpha male" if those things aren't what you enjoy - and honestly, if masculinity is so fragile that a little something like having sex on bottom is enough to break it, it doesn't sound all that worth keeping to me.

Forcing yourself into a role you don't want just to receive validation ends up backfiring more often than not - the validation I get when that happens just feels empty. So yeah, find what's right for you, and find people who want the same things!

As a side note, though, implyinh that someone likes "assertive dominant males" because they were molested is in fact really rude and insensitive, so please don't do that.

Pretty much. I get in top and my husband will grab my hips and move them and kinda have control that way. You could try that. He'll grab my breasts and just touch me all over. Be engaged with her, I think that'll help.

It does not stink of anything - it is just not very smart.

You are right to focus on the title, because the wording itself is the problem. If you get rid of "letting" and change to "enjoying," there is no issue and no topic for a thread.

My bf's favourite positions are having me on top and doggy-style.

I don't enjoy being on top, but it's because I'm self-conscious of how exposed I am (yet that's what he likes about it!) and I have a hard time staying focused so my rythym is not steady. We'll often start that way, and he does often grab onto my hips and move me himself, haha.

I don't view him as less manly at all. In fact, I appreciate it because he doesn't feel the need to be "in control" of me - although I enjoy giving the control to him.

Being on the bottom doesn't necessarily mean you are submissive, and being on top doesn't make you dominant. There is a whole discussion about who is really in charge even in sadomasochistic play, let alone conventional intercourse.

The position of woman on top can be viewed either way. It can be viewed on her pleasuring you and thus being servile, or her being aggressive and thus dominant.

Thank you. And yes, I've been rude and insensitive. And I know someone can feel offended. It's just that that person was rude to me in first place. Mind you: we've started chatting and she'd already made a cold scan of my personality, and felt empowered to mark my flaws as, needless to say, "weak" and "unmanly".

Anyway, sorry if I offended you or anyone else.

I love doing that. In fact, is in that position when I can touch more and the better!

Nailed it!

It's just me and my tendency, I guess, to see relationship as a matter of power plays. Bad experiences in the past, I think. Thank you.

That's something to keep chewing on... Thanks!

I think if you believe that you always have to appear in control and dominant to be a man, then you have misunderstood what manhood is about... Having the woman run the show in bed sometimes can be pleasurable to both sexes, and it doesn't make you less of a man. In fact, it makes you more of a man because it shows you are a person secure enough of your own sexuality and identity that you have no problems with having others in charge. A real man (or woman) is someone who is confident, and what you are showing now is insecurity.

Most women love being on top, and isn't pleasing a woman in bed one of the "manliest" thing there is (if both parts are straight, that is)? A lot of men are selfish and rude and believe they are more manly for taking what they want and not caring about others, but it's the opposite. They will never please a woman, just themselves. That not only makes them less of a man, but also less of a person.

Illegal Toilet - I think the real cause of your worry is that you think of yourself as less of a man, and then you look for external criteria and wonder if they make you less of a man - they don't, see the norwegianwoman's answer for example - but that you worry whether you are enough of a man - THAT can make you less of a secure, self-assured person.

In other words, that you asked this question is a symptom of something, and that something needs to be addressed, and not sexual positions.

First of all this whole idea of an alpha male is a load of garbage. We're not wolfs or monkeys and everyone has there own idea of what a so-called alpha male actually is.

Secondly, no it doesn't make you less of a man.

Ummm, this wasn't my thread.

Apologies for lack of attention to key detail.

TryingStill - it was written to you.

Illegal Toilet - you have posted somewhat similar queries, which is why I got confused. That does not justify my blunder, though.

No, not everybody has their own idea of what a so called alpha male actually is, and that is precisely due to the fact that the idea is a load of garbage as you said.

The whole "alpha male", "alpha cat" monikers are fairly new - I do not know exactly when they appeared but possibly mid-last century and not earlier than that. Somehow humanity had survived to that point without knowing that males and cats can be alpha.

Since the idea is not really useful, it can be said that it is "still in beta".

I do not think that it will ever get out of the beta stage.

It is not medieval to believe that penetration and male domination are everything.

the ideas about penetration and male domination belong to 20th century feminism. The ideas are for the most part ridiculous and the sooner you drop them from you frame of mind altogether, the better for you. The ideas about kissing and caressing being more important than penetration also belong to 20th century feminism and also are misconceptions. There is no hierarchy of what is more or less important. The sooner you start living your own life and not enacting other people's ideas, some more ridiculous than others, the better for you and your female partners.