What are do's and don't to retain friendship with a friend who is sexually attracted to you?

[hamster-bamster]

Do not meet in person. Correspondence only.

[seraphic]

I'm assuming that you aren't sexually interested in them? Be very, very clear about how you feel about them and that you aren't interested in a sexual relationship. Not "I don't want a relationship right now" but something like "I value you a lot as a friend but I don't want our relationship to be sexual". Establish boundaries about what you're comfortable with in your relationship with them, and stick to those. Talk to the friend, ask how they feel about you wanting to stay friends, and what they need/what you can do for them in order to maintain the friendship. Understand that even if they agree to only be friends, they probably can't make their feelings go away overnight (if only feelings worked like that!). I think honest communication (in both directions!) can help a lot in this sort of situation.

If the person decides that they can't stay friends with you if you don't reciprocate their feelings, or if they need some distance because of it, that's absolutely not your fault. Only 50% of the friendship is on your end; it's their choice whether they maintain their end and accept what you have (and don't have) to offer.

Best thing to do would be to end the friendship.

[A Red Panda]

Don't get naked with them. (from your other thread, that was clearly an issue!)

Don't give random hugs or physical affection (like... if there was a total breakdown then sure, but don't offer it really, and decline it when they initiate).

Don't hang out in your bedrooms, or in your private living spaces where no one else would be.

If they talk about something that is inappropriate, remind them that you are only a friend and don't want to keep hearing about how they care about you as more or want to have a physical relationship - make the boundary really clear.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Problem

What are do's and don't to retain friendship with a friend who is sexually attracted to you?

Do you enjoy frustrating such a friend? I may have some tips, but whether they are relevant depends on how you answer that question.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Do you enjoy frustrating such a friend? I may have some tips, but whether they are relevant depends on how you answer that question.

No, I don't want to frustrate such a friend.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Do you enjoy frustrating such a friend? I may have some tips, but whether they are relevant depends on how you answer that question.

Originally Posted by seraphic

I'm assuming that you aren't sexually interested in them? Be very, very clear about how you feel about them and that you aren't interested in a sexual relationship. Not "I don't want a relationship right now" but something like "I value you a lot as a friend but I don't want our relationship to be sexual". Establish boundaries about what you're comfortable with in your relationship with them, and stick to those. Talk to the friend, ask how they feel about you wanting to stay friends, and what they need/what you can do for them in order to maintain the friendship. Understand that even if they agree to only be friends, they probably can't make their feelings go away overnight (if only feelings worked like that!). I think honest communication (in both directions!) can help a lot in this sort of situation.

If the person decides that they can't stay friends with you if you don't reciprocate their feelings, or if they need some distance because of it, that's absolutely not your fault. Only 50% of the friendship is on your end; it's their choice whether they maintain their end and accept what you have (and don't have) to offer.

Easier said than done. I always express this but still mess up everything.

[Pikku Myy]

Just be very clear about your expectations. Makes it much easier

[hamster-bamster]

I think your friends view your asexuality as a challenge to be overcome. However much you talk about it and try to set expectations etc would not work until you tell them that this is not a dare, and not a challenge to overcome, and not a way to score points where nobody before them could.

Some people want to feel better about themselves by overcoming unusual challenges.

I will give you an example - I have very poor spatial intelligence and cannot parallel park. The steps involved in parallel parking are just completely overwhelming to me.

In the 1990's, 4 guys tried to teach me how to parallel park, to no avail.

In 2013, I used to park far from where my then new boyfriend then lived (two "thens" ). When he wondered why I parked so far, I explained that I was looking for a spot that was immediately by a driveway so that my car would not get locked by parked cars from both sides because otherwise I would not have known how to leave the parking spot.

He wondered how I go to the city (SF). I said that I take the train - I do not go often and when I do, I take the train. The idea of parallel parking on the sloping, steep streets of San Francisco is completely daunting for me. And I said that 4 people tried to teach me, to no avail. He shrugged this shoulders and accepted the info. He is very smart.

At about the same time, I reconnected with a former friend from many years ago and he wanted to have a relationship with me, but I did not. He invited me to a restaurant and then after the meal walked me to the car - a very far walk, for the same reason - I looked for a parking spot before a driveway. He wondered why and immediately wanted to teach me how to parallel park in 5 minutes. He is stupid - if 4 guys were not able to teach a woman how to parallel park, the problem is within the woman and you do not try to become better than those 4 unlucky guys; you do not take the situation as a dare.

I expect that your guy friends view your asexuality in the same way in which this stupid guy viewed my lack of spatial intelligence - as a dare, a challenge to overcome, something that would give them points where nobody before them was able to score points.

Does it ring a bell at all?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think your friends view your asexuality as a challenge to be overcome. However much you talk about it and try to set expectations etc would not work until you tell them that this is not a dare, and not a challenge to overcome, and not a way to score points where nobody before them could.

Some people want to feel better about themselves by overcoming unusual challenges.

I will give you an example - I have very poor spatial intelligence and cannot parallel park. The steps involved in parallel parking are just completely overwhelming to me.

In the 1990's, 4 guys tried to teach me how to parallel park, to no avail.

In 2013, I used to park far from where my then new boyfriend then lived (two "thens" ). When he wondered why I parked so far, I explained that I was looking for a spot that was immediately by a driveway so that my car would not get locked by parked cars from both sides because otherwise I would not have known how to leave the parking spot.

He wondered how I go to the city (SF). I said that I take the train - I do not go often and when I do, I take the train. The idea of parallel parking on the sloping, steep streets of San Francisco is completely daunting for me. And I said that 4 people tried to teach me, to no avail. He shrugged this shoulders and accepted the info. He is very smart.

At about the same time, I reconnected with a former friend from many years ago and he wanted to have a relationship with me, but I did not. He invited me to a restaurant and then after the meal walked me to the car - a very far walk, for the same reason - I looked for a parking spot before a driveway. He wondered why and immediately wanted to teach me how to parallel park in 5 minutes. He is stupid - if 4 guys were not able to teach a woman how to parallel park, the problem is within the woman and you do not try to become better than those 4 unlucky guys; you do not take the situation as a dare.

I expect that your guy friends view your asexuality in the same way in which this stupid guy viewed my lack of spatial intelligence - as a dare, a challenge to overcome, something that would give them points where nobody before them was able to score points.

Does it ring a bell at all?

Yes, I do understand your point that I'm becoming a challenge whether I want to or not. But as you have said, "He is stupid - if 4 guys were not able to teach a woman how to parallel park, the problem is within the woman and you do not try to become better than those 4 unlucky guys; you do not take the situation as a dare" and in my case I'm the woman with the problem. It is all my fault, I'm giving them signals which I don't even realise, all is my fault...

Somewhere I know, I'm not really at fault. My actions might have given him mixed signal, but I know that with every action I've told him what that action means to me. How those actions don't affect me the way they do to other people. I was always clear, always gave him option to leave me if sex was all he desired. But, still I'm not able to get the feeling that "I WAS WRONG" from my head. I even believe I actually deserve such behaviour from guys, this is what I've come into the world for... again very wrong for me to think, but these thoughts don't leave my mind even though my rational mind tells me I'm victim not abuser.

He got what he wanted and is now gone. Hasn't contacted me for past 3 weeks (Bad thing is even after such a behaviour from him, I still wish he comes back, at least talks to me as we always did during our initial years. I wish I was actually a friend for him with whom he could share anything in the world, with whom he had comfort to share even his dark secrets, but reality is I was just means to end whether I accept or not).

I've asked this question because next time I don't want to get into similar situation. Somewhere I know I'll again commit same mistake. Because though I don't have sexual interest, but I need company. Someone who is good to move from acquaintance to friend is someone to treasure. Not everyone become friends, most of people just remain as acquaintances. And with the fear of not losing them, I do what makes them happy.

Or may be what I call as friend is what is considered as more than friend in general lingo... I just find myself unfit for this world

[hamster-bamster]

Maybe if you move to a large metro area and find asexuals so socialize with, this problem would just go away.