Betrayed...

So I don't really know where to turn to. I'm confused and upset. I went to a party this past weekend. It was my friends bday, I've known him for 13 years. He's like a brother to me. It was also the first party I've been to in years. After everything else going on I wanted to get out and have fun.

So I dranked and I dranked a lot. I drunk almost a whole barcardi bottle. About a cup of beer. And a shot of vodka. I was already pretty out of it but we were goofing off and I was with friends. Then my guy friend called me over and I could barely walk but he gave me three shots of vodka to take. And I did. I don't know if I drunk more after that. After that things are just in bits and pieces.

But what I'm writing about. We walked to the apartment pool and was going to try to jump the fence. I couldn't. I couldn't even stand up anymore. I don't know if he started kissing me before he jumped over or after. I ended up on the ground and I guess he crawled on me and started groping me. That part is a bit fuzzy but I didn't tell him to stop. I know he messed with my pants, he might have gave me oral, but I can't remember. He was helping me back up to go inside when I fell back again. I think. Or he layed me back down. I don't know. But he undid my pants and pulled them off. I knew what was happening but I was so out of it. I just layed there. I don't even know if my eyes were open or closed. I heard his belt and he got on me and penetrated me. I just layed there. I never fought him or said no. I just layed there like an idiot.

I don't know how long it lasted. I just know he was off of me and I was laying there with my legs sprawled open. I couldn't even register to close my legs. He helped pull my pants back up and then practically had to carry me back to his apartment. He kept saying he cares about me. Or maybe he only said it once. I passed out after that and didn't wake up till the next morning. He had layed me down in his room but I managed to go to the couch.

I have a friend who says it sounds like rape. I don't want to think that one of my best friends raped me. And I feel like it's all my fault. I should have never dranked that much. I put myself in the situation. I'm so ashamed of myself and embarrassed.

He kept texting me the next day to find out if I remembered what happened by the pool. I told him no. He just said ok nevermind.

I feel so betrayed and hurt and ashamed. And I'm all alone...

I'm so sorry you experienced this! And please apologize my bluntness, but this was most definitely rape. Can you call a helpline or go to a crisis center to talk to someone? NOTHING that happened was your fault. You do NOT have to be ashamed. Please try to find someone to help you deal with this.

You're definitely not all alone. I'm really new here, but so far this forum looks like a great bunch of people (in various states of broken-ness, as we all are). Honestly, I came to this site last night for the first time looking for some guidance. I saw this post, and that it was unanswered, and nearly panicked because I couldn't get approved to post fast enough.

As the previous responder said, this was not your fault, and occurred without your consent. I'd like to hope that your 'friend' was out of control himself, but that doesn't excuse anything. Real friends don't take advantage of situations like that.

Like I said, I here am new. So, since I'm moderated (and honestly that's a great idea for a forum like this, even if its a bit frustrating) any responses will be slow, but I'm listening. And others are, too.

It is a life experience that should be treated as a source of learning to make better choices in the future. Since it was the first party you went to after many years of not going to parties, there must have been some issues preventing you from socializing in the past, so that is worth looking into. On a mechanical level, you need to decide how you will avoid drinking so much in the future. While it is not your fault that you drank so much (you did not hurt anybody by doing it), it was a bad choice and you are responsible for it. If you own that you did it and take responsibility for it, there is less of a chance of repeat incidents. Feeling ashamed, embarrassed, alone, betrayed, etc. is all counter-productive and serves no useful purpose, but tracing your steps back to determine when you lost control and out of that calculating how many shots you can safely handle would produce better outcomes in the future.

Also from your description it appears that you did not eat and did not drink non-alcoholic beverages alongside consuming alcohol. That means that you are unaware of the basic rules of alcohol consumption hygiene. You need to have a complete meal and to drink 1:1 non-alcoholic to alcoholic drinks, at least, if not more - i.e. diluting alcohol. Had you not drunk a whole bottle of Bacardi but instead had cocktails with Bacardi that are at least 1/2 juice, you would not have lost control of the situation as much.

Also go to planned parenthool and get tested for STI's - just wait a couple of weeks because the tests are invalid if given too soon.

To sum up:

- find out why you drank so much on an emotional level (what happened that prevented you from socializing for many years and what you were trying to cover with drinking)

- find out what you max dose of alcohol per night is, in terms of safety

- learn and apply the rules of alcohol consumption hygiene.

- possibly, start drinking a small amount of alcohol on a regular basis to get used to moderate consumption to avoid binge drinking. What you describe is called binge drinking and it is very common among young people in the US. If you learn a bit of mixology and become skilled at making at least a few cocktails and get used to drinking them, you would be less prone to go on a drinking binge.

- combining beer with vodka... yuck.

The guy friend did take advantage of you and did contribute to your wasted state by giving you three shots of vodka when you were already out of it, but by then you had drunk almost a whole bottle of rum, plus beer, plus some vodka, and you need to take responsibility for it. Taking responsibility is what teaches one to grow up and make smarter choices in the future.

What you went through was rape hun. You were too intoxicated to consent.

Was it smart to drink that much alcohol? Hell no. But being overly intoxicated does not make it your fault that you were raped.