Emotional outburst in front of my date last night

Guess I blew it beyond repair.

I've been dating this girl since barely a week ago. Last night she invited me over to her place. I cooked for her. Then, after dinner, we went to bed. I couldn't get an erection. She told me that we could take a rest, so that we can give it another try later.

That was when I couldn't hold myself together.

I started to feel this knot down in my stomach, climbing up my throat and, finally, I was unable to stay calm. I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. Words began to spurt out like puke. I told her how sick and tired I feel of having these recurring intimacy issues, and how I screwed things up between us for good in only one week, and how I always thought it was too good to be true that she noticed me and the like.

A pathetic full blown display of self-deprecation.

At first, she reacted kind of shocked. She said it was too much to deal with it, having been hanging out for barely one week, and that she doesn't know if she can handle such load. "If we were in a long term relationship, it would be different": those were her words.

Weirdest thing is that, before I could even tell, we were making out again. And in that opportunity I was able to penetrate her, and even make her come, although it was impossible for me myself. Which led to another crying spell about how less of a man I feel and blah blah blah. I even ended up questioning if, at least, I was any good at cooking. Pathetic, yeah.

She hold me until morning came, and told me that she likes me, but now her mind is full of racing thoughts and can't tell what's going to be. Later, this afternoon, she texted me, asking if I was doing any better. I told her that I need to have a talk soon, and she agreed, remarking that she has to figure out what she feels and take some time to think.

Her speech about her own feelings and thoughts it sounds to me like a polite way of preparing me for being dumped. Which it's great, given that she could have kicked me out her appartment after such scene, and she didn't. So, I hold no expectations whatsoever. Instead, I'm getting used to the idea of having established a new record: ruinning an incipient relationship within the lapse of one single week.

I'm not asking for advice on how to make her stay or anything like that. I just need to stop beating myself up, because it feels awful.

I keep regretting not having been able to keep a straight face and to do what she told me: just rest a little and try again later. I showed the worst part of me, and I'm positive there's no way back from that.

In case some of you recall, I was circumcised two months and a half ago. I thought things would be ok. But it seems they don't. (She even kind of admonished me for not telling her about that before, so that was another serious mistake). That added to the anxiety and stress around getting laid with her. It was the very first time since, well, since we met.

There was another thing, too, I guess. After dinner (and before "having "sex""), we discussed about where were each other at that point. I mean... She told me she was afraid that I got confused, according the way we talked during the week. I must admit I'm loving and affectionate towards the person I'm seeing. And it doesn't mean I'm willing to marry them or whatever. But last Wednesday at night, after going out, I took her home and she told me she wanted me to spend the night with her. I told her I wanted to be sure about how things were going between us before we spend a night together, since my previous relationships were a distaster and it took me a long while to move on. I told her I needed to know if she cared about me. From the day after and on, I noticed she was kind of cold on the phone. And the chat we had last night before going to bed confirmed it: she was afraid that I was taking things a little to seriously, and that the fact of having sex could be misleading to me. I guess all that discussion got me nervous and I just didn't know what to do. She told me she cared about me, but maybe I should have stuck to my idea of getting to now her better instead of getting into bed only two days after having said that I was not sure. (Truth be told, I did it in part in order to show her I was over the love/sex dilemma, and in part because I was afraid she could meet someone better).

So... I'm aware I acted like an unstable psycho-maniac with (both) crying scenes, and it's ridiculous to expect any woman to stay around after such display of weakness, desperation and "unconfident-ness". All I want to do is, I insist, stop beating myself up over this, because I can't believe my ability to turn things into ***** before they even bloom. If I can't stop being an imbecile, at least I want to stop feeling like one.

Thank you and sorry for such long post.

So after you cried and told her how you were feeling then you were able to have sex ?
Sounds to me you put to much stress on yourself and once you saw she was cool with how you felt you were able to
have sex is that right ?

You seem like you are a very caring person, but I do feel as though that a week is way too soon for such intimacy. From what I read, you guys both are kind of "panicking" already about where this is going. You need to give a blossoming relationship time to do just that - blossom. That means taking your time.

I hope you find someone you can talk to about this, and find peace with yourself. And please - slow down.

that certainly does seem like a lot to lay on a date of only a week. but more important is evaluating where you are emotionally. it sounds like you lack confidence and self esteem and this is really affecting you in relationships. on top of that, you have difficulty with emotional regulation. you are going to need to feel good about yourself before you feel worthy in someone else eyes. until you are comfortable with who you are, you are probably not going to feel worthy in a relationship. therapy will really help you build self confidence, self worth, and gain coping skills for emotional regulation.

It's tough to move on when you feel as if you've humiliated yourself.

I fully expect it to take a few days. But don't worry, this too shall pass.

Let this incident and this non-relationship go. Learn from it. And move forward. But don't expect it all to be back to normal in one day. Ever.

This sounds like a lot for a short relationship. It would be overwhelming for most people.
Don't beat yourself up over your tears or the erection. That sort of things happens. But it does need to be quickly moved on from.
Give it another try with someone else. Do you have a therapist? Setting some boundaries for yourself might be good. Hugs.

I noticed that after venting out, I felt relieved enough to let things flow a little more. At least I got hard.

But I wouldn't say she was cool with how I felt.
I'd rather say she was perplexed. Like she didn't know what to do.

And that confuses me a lot.

Not that she looked disgusted. But she didn't seem to like it either. And yet, we made out again and have sex, although I didn't reach orgasm. I don't know. Mixed signals?

Today I took some time to think about with calm. And yes, I agree, it was too soon for such intimacy.

I sort of realized I felt kind of pushed.
Not that she did pushed me. I felt that way.


It's the first time in over two years that I date someone I really like. Or, at least, someone I seem to like (right now, I don't know how should I feel around her). I felt like there was a lot at stake. My previous relationships were just awful. And the way she acted around sex that night (and I don't mean to blame her) made me feel like I was in some sort of playing a single penetration (no pun intended) game, and that if I did something wrong, she would call the next in line.

It's a lot to deal with, actually.
And I think we sped up things so much that I happened to act this way.

I'm not expecting to get back to normal with her ever again. Not at all.
I'm just getting used to the idea of having crossed the point of no return.

But who knows.

No, I don't have any therapist.

I guess it was all a matter of speed.
She invited me over her place three times before during that week. Even before we started to date.
That's what I mean when I say I felt kind of pushed.

Maybe she just wanted to have sex. Which is completely valid.
But it's not the way I'm used to get along.

I've been single for more than two years.
I got tired of having casual sex and one night stands.
I've gone under a circumcision surgery two months ago.

It's a lot to keep in mind.

I'm eager to spend time with someone and to get to know each other well. Things got too fast, and I agreed merely in order to not getting dumped. I wanted to keep her happy. And not only I was unable to do so, but also I made miserable myself. Big deal.

I freak out every time I think about how things are going to be. Not regarding this girl, whom I acknowledge lost for good. I wonder if I'll ever met someone who cares about me enough to be supportive if things don't go so well the first time we get intimate.

I've been talking yesterday with a few female friends, and they told me that all of them went through something similar. I mean, being with someone who couldn't get hard the first time (not the crying part). They swore me is totally common to expect something like that. I would love to meet someone who is as understanding and helpful and caring, so that I don't burst into tears.

There are bunch of guys who complaint about how hard is to get a woman in bed.
There are bunch of women who complaint about how guys can't think of anything but getting them into bed.
And I happen to meet a girl who wants me to have sex with her from before the first date, when I would have prefered to getting to know each other the better. How can somebody live so against the current? (I'm talking about me).

"And I happen to meet a girl who wants me to have sex with her from before the first date, when I would have prefered to getting to know each other the better. How can somebody live so against the current? (I'm talking about me)."

I'm pretty much the same way, I think. I have intimacy issues, too. Anxiety and OCD just murder sexual stuff, but I've been able to make do, to a point, in the past - as long as I feel comfortable and trusting with someone, then it tends to be OK, as long as my anxiety/OCD is kicking up a real fuss. I've been also been single for quite a while, but at least you've had some sort of intimacy.

I think you need to work on yourself, get some professional help, before thinking of relationships; that's kinda what I've been doing. Now I'm in college, working out a ton, living in a new place on my own, getting support in life, and now it seems I may be getting a warehouse job (which could later develop into "IT Technician") which is ideal for me.

{ Kein Teufel }
Translation: Not a devil
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It sounds like perhaps she pushed the physical intimacy too quickly and you went ahead with emotional intimacy before she was ready.

Like you said, there are so many women out there who share these feelings about not being intimate too quickly. I would look for someone who is more compatible on a basic level going forward.

Who knows, maybe it will work out with this one? If you both only have a week invested in it, it is not much to lose if not.

WOW have things ever changed and maybe not for the good. In my day, any woman having sex after a week was considered a slut...maybe a bit too harsh, but if you think about it, sex is very intimate and requires giving and sharing of oneself, physically and emotionally, and IMHO, not something to be taken lightly. I doubt you can really reach any level of intimacy after one week.
I think you knew this deep down and that was one of the reasons you could not perform. The crying about it, maybe a manifestation of "disappointment" in this choice of a partner? Sounds like she is a game player, so unless you are a "player" why stick with it. Move on and choose wiser next time.
Go ahead you all can call me OLD FASHIONED, I really don't care LOL

You're old fashioned, ... and I love it.

{ Kein Teufel }
Translation: Not a devil
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Thank you, and sorry, and I don't mean to justify myself... but it's not I'm some sort of basket case who need therapy immediatly. I've just been under a lot of stress and anxiety lately, and being with the not-so-right person just triggered that reaction. I felt pushed and put to test. I guess anyone could have reacted the same way.

Having something else to do with your life besides a relationship (I mean, either in one or not) is such a big deal. I appreciate that advice.

Yes, in hindsight, I did felt pushed.
Maybe were just not compatible.

In that case, I'm old fashioned too. Absolutely.
I agree 100%

Any chance she found you cute and sensitive? "Cute" and "sensitive" can be good qualities in female land, even if it was a man appearing that way. Based on what you said, I think there is at least a possibility that what seemed bad to you, seemed not-so-bad to her.

Just because you've had some problems with sex doesn't mean you always will. You only just had surgery on your man parts two months ago and you need time to adjust.

It sounds as though you felt pressured by your most recent girlfriend to have sex when you were trying more to develop emotional intimacy. And it isn't surprising that she is confused; you are confused too. Maybe you and she can continue to date or maybe not but the one thing you need to accept (in my opinion, if you don't mind) is that you are not a bad person if you are not perfect. Most guys experience erectile dysfunction at least sometimes. I love extended foreplay and oral and stuff so maybe do that rather than pressuring yourself to perform a specific sex act.

I seriously doubt that.

Anyway, we're still talking. Not as often as before, but at least we don't ignore each other... Something I would never do. But the other person, who knows.

Trust me. She's not that kind of girl.
She seems to be expecting something else.
I'll get into details further, after the next quotation.

I'm not perfect for her. Or, at least, suitable. And it seems she is not either.

I can recall, when we started talking, she was kind of sweet and cute as long as I didn't pay her so much attention. Not that I ignored her on purpose. But I hardly see her and talk to her, and she would approached me spontaneously, so nice, and although I had little to say, she still made those efforts in order to make me like her.

Once I fell for her, she become colder. Way colder.

And I hate those powerplays and strategies. I'm sick and tired of seeing how two people just can't connect because they are so worried trying to keep their real selves from each other.

I should have known better from the start. I should have got away when she started to talk about her ex (whom she seems she misses so much), or any other guy (most of them acquitainces in common). I'm well aware that this is so childish (given that she's on her late 20's and I'm on my early 30's), but since the inciden last weekend, she keeps posting pics on Facebook of her favourite actors and drooling over them, or even remembering things about her life with his ex. I insist: it's silly and childish from both parties. It's childish for her to do that, and childish for me to take it seriously. But what I read from that is: "these are the men I like the best - either unreachable (actors) or gone (ex), both impossibles, and still better than you (I mean, me)".

Bringing up the "where are we know" and "I don't want you to get confused if we get laid" talk five minutes before we got in bed could have killed the mood too (I don't remember if I've already mentioned this).

Anyway...

A therapist can help you learn to say no when you want to say no.

It sounds like this woman really doesn't want much from a man, not really. On some level she's afraid of real intimacy. She jumps into sex because it's the easiest thing to do, for her. But she only likes what she can't have because that's "safe".

I agree with Bill, a therapist can help you learn to say no when you want to say no. Hopefully you'll build a much deeper relationship with someone who isn't afraid of a deeper emotional connection.

They did an interesting experiment with mice that I watched. In the experiement they took a male mouse and put a little vest on it and then put it in with a female mouse. The male mouse mated with this female several times over the course of a couple of days. Then they took the vest off and put the male mouse in with the female again and to their surprise the male could not mate even when the female was teasing.

The whole purpose of the experiment is to see how "if" introduced to something a certain way can change "if" something is taken away. When they put the vest back on, sure enough that male mouse mated again.

It very well could be that because you "changed" yourself by being circumcized without your realizing it, it affected your ability to have sex. You did change something and made it different and that part that you took away does have sensors in it. You "can" still adjust to that change gradually, you just have to "practice" and learn, and you may want to do some "self practice" for a time so you can get used to this change.

Also, it is not unusual for a male to not perform just right when being intimate with a female for the first time either. And not getting an erection is normal as well as premature ejaculation with a lot of males too. When it comes to being "intimate", it really does take time for two people to get comfortable and learn about each other.

Also, it would serve you well to spend some time reading about women and how to understand them "sexually" because not all women can actually orgazm just through penetration. It takes "time" to develop a relationship, it is not being fair to yourself to assume how well it goes is all "your" responsiblity.

There is nothing wrong with becoming a student and going to a library and taking out books where you can learn so many things about women's sexuality, developing good relationship skills that you just don't happen to "know" how to do right now. Relationships don't "just" happen like you see in the movies, in fact in case you have not noticed the actors and actresses themselves fail at relationships all the time. There is a lot you can learn on your own without sitting with a therapist too. Also, everyone learns by "doing" so "learning" about how to have a relationship is something everyone learns "how" to do.

Saying "no" or, more properly, feeling allowed by myself to say "no" is one of the main issues, I think. Thank you for pointing that out.


I must agree she didn't seem open to share a deeper connection. Not that it is wrong. It's just that we aren't in the same wavelenght.

And that's something I'm pretty amazed about having discovered about myself, after this experience.

A year ago, I couldn't do anything besides having one night stands and casual sex. I would go visiting escorts and such. But now I find myself eager to have something more, something good, something that goes beyond sex in itself. Yet, rediscovering this side of me is quite strange, because it's been a long while since I last had any interest of a romantic relationship. It takes time to adjust, probably. Seems like I've tried to follow an old patter for a new emotional situation.

That experiment you bring up is very interesting. I wouldn't relate it to my circumcision, though. In fact, even when it's true that things feel different and I'm still on my way of getting used to it, I feel waaaaaaay better like this than with my foreskin. Before surgery, I reached a point where penetration became hurtful.

Nevertheless, that experiment is worthy from another point of view.

I'm thinking in another kind of vest. A metaphorical one. I've already had sex after I was done with my circumcision post-op. I got laid with somebody I barely knew and didn't feel attracted to. In that occasion, I came too quickly (my glans felt very sensitive to touch, etc). But in a matter of a few minutes, I was rock hard again and I was able to have intercourse. Then again, there was no emotional connection with this person. After a while, I felt kind of empty. Like what we did was sort of pointless and meaningless. But, besides that, I didn't feel bad at all.

This time, on the opposite, was different. I did like this person, and I was willing to have some deep connection. There was a will to build something. Maybe I blew things out of proportion when we started to date and I figured out the odds of having a relationship. But who cares, I was dreaming. For the first time in years I was allowing myself to dream about sharing something with someone. Of course there were emotions and feelings involved, which remained absent when I got laid with that other person. This time there was a lot more at stake.

I kind of feel ashamed about that. Maybe this new girl regardered me as some ridiculous freak or whatever. Maybe I'm so uncool to her for doing things this way. But all in all that's how I feel, and I don't regret having had showed her my real me from the very start. With my virtues and my flaws.

Perhaps I shouldn't be telling you all of this, because it seems I'm looking for some kind of approval or validation. And maybe I am, and maybe that's my main problem.

Looking for some kind of approval or validation is just part of being "human" ((TryingStill)), hense the tremendous amount of traffic in this site. Also, the relationship forum is one of the busyest forums on this site.

Try going to a library and checking out different books on relationships and sex, so much has been written about it because it is a challenge that so many people have.

((Hugs))
OE