A part of me is evil

may trigger

I sometimes have fantasies involving me sexually or physically abusing other people. This has been the case since my teens (I am over 40 now).

I can see the attraction of rape. Its all about control, and getting just what you want, without having the burden of having to consider the other person's needs. Its also about releasing anger. Rape can also be considered a sadistic act since part of the pleasure is inflicting pain on others. Normal relationships are a two way interaction where you have to work hard. Sadism is about releasing your anger and its much easier than a normal relationship if the sadist is in control. Torture is a way of extending BDSM so that it has no limits; limits take away the power of the dominator but in a torture situation the person inflicting the pain has absolute power. Torture can be mental as well as physical. The ultimate act of control is taking someone's life.

I have never carried these fantasies out and I never will. Rape is illegal and very immoral, I don't want to go to prison for the rest of my life and I could never deal with the guilt/shame. Also, I am not sure if I would actually enjoy these things in reality. Its ok to think things, but reality is not the same as fantasy

I don't feel comfortable with these fantasies. The worst part is that its taboo, it scares people, and (apart sometimes from places like this) its not something you can talk about. If people say I am a nice person then I feel a fraud, because they don't know what I am like inside my head.

I think sometimes thinking things will get you into trouble. That's why there are so many members here. If these are your fantasy's maybe you should talk it over with a counselor because I'm pretty sure these fantasy's are not considered normal. I am very glad you haven't acted on them.

I have had thoughts recently about bdsm and violence, but I put myself in the victim role.
I made myself really dig through why it is that I had these fantasies.

It was difficult and upsetting, but I feel clearer now, and I don't have those thoughts in the same way at all. Whilst it's okay, of course, to have fantasies as long as we never act on them, and can stay in control of that, I personally feel that it's not a healthy or kind thing to do to yourself.

It's interesting that you talk about being in control..might be that you are compensating for times when you have not had control in your life? It's probably a good idea to talk to a therapist about this stuff, one who accepts this issue and will be open and able to really go there....

You don't act on your fantasies so I don't think you're a fraud..
Rape is wrong. But bdsm and getting physical really isn't wrong, just taboo.
Everything sorta is what it is.. Society then puts the label "good" or "bad"..
Some people like being dominated so my opinion is you gotta find those people and role play and just not take it too far. (:
There is a happy medium. I think sexual oppression can make the intrusive thoughts louder.
Just my opinion of course..

We're nice and nasty...despicable, treacherous, murderous, lascivious, lovely,cute, beautiful, utterly wonderfully made. Our depths are abysmal our heights heavenly.

I throw disturbing thoughts down to my inner abyss...they belong in the dark anyway. You're not going to act on them so give yourself a break maybe.

I can't give the kind of advice i'd like to here as we are not supposed to talk about God. If I could I would suggest spiritual guidance from someone trustworthy.

A counsellor is definitely a good idea if you can find a good one.

Peace.