[WantToGrow]

So, I'm 49 and really struggling to find myself sexually. I had big crushes when I was a teenager, and got very aroused, stomach clenching arousal, with regards to these crushes, but I was timid and too afraid of getting pregnant so didn't lose my virginity until I was 18. I met a man at a Halloween party who clearly wanted me, and I responded to that with arousal. He was 9 years older than me. I lost my virginity to him and became pretty orgasmic. He was pretty well endowed, too. But though I was with him for 8 years, I knew I didn't want to be with him forever for well over half of that time, and was just too afraid to leave him. He was emotionally immature and controlling, and antisocial, and there was lots of conflict that made me fall out of love with him. I don't remember much of our relationship, to be honest, but I don't remember feeling horny with him or having that gut-clenching arousal with him from pretty early on in the relationship.

I did have some near cheats during my time with him, where I felt very aroused with them.

I finally left him and my next experience of being wildly aroused was when I walked into a gym to play volleyball and there was this scrawny guy who, when I made eye contact with him, it was like electricity between us. Turns out he was a man-child who thought I was his girlfriend after having one drink with him. He wasn't physically attractive to me so I don't know why we had that electricity thing, but that went nowhere.

Then I had a quick one-nighter with a guy who was very attractive and charismatic, got me way aroused.

Next was a best friend of my sister's, and I know I was aroused with him and wanted him, even pushed us into sex faster than he wanted, and I spent three years with him in a very volative relationship, sexually frustrated because he had premature ejaculation!

After him, I met my husband, and we were drawn to each other and I was aroused at the beginning, and we of course got married. I lost the quick to arouse ability early on and basically never felt horny again. Never had fantasies, never coveted or felt horny about any other men, and had more and more difficulty reaching orgasm.

We have been together for 19 years, and I have finally come to the conclusion that I deserve and want to feel more sexually alive, and he deserves a more engaged partner. I got to dreading sex because my body was so unresponsive and I simply have no libido, and he wants me to orgasm!

We even looked into swinging and met a couple, thinking maybe we could liven up our sex life after all these years of marriage, but I found myself unresponsive. The only time I got a rise was when the man turned on this stunning lusty smirk that gave me a jolt, but otherwise I'm like dead wood. I could understand if the problem was that I just wasn't sexually attracted to my husband, but I have met other men who were attracted to me, and I was like dead wood. I've looked at plenty of attractive men online and watched porn, and still, nothing!

I can orgasm, but it takes tons of work, and there's just no horniness. I can lubricate, barely, but need lots of artificial help. I swear, if it weren't for my husband's needs, I'd be perfectly happy to never have sex again!

So, am I asexual, and is there ever any hope for asexuals to become sexual?

I'm just wondering what normal women feel. Do you feel horny even if you've been with someone forever and things are routine? Do you feel horny just BECAUSE? Do you feel horny fantasizing about other men?