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fortbliss
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Default Feb 02, 2015 at 08:52 AM
  #1
My girlfriend discovered pictures of women on my computer which have since been deleted.I know that this has hurt her very badly and I am now seeing a therapist but it is moving too slow for both of us.
I want to repair our relationship but I am not sure how?There are no group therapies in our area. I have broken her trust which is terrible because her ex-husband had been cheating on her with 4 or 5 other women and she discovered his secrets.
I just feel guilty as hell and don't know how to fix the damage I have done? I have been "clean" for over a month now but she is still very upset and I find her crying alot by herself, I have also started watching a video from a therapist who deals with the people who are victims of my type of behavior and that has shown me how devastating this has been for my GF.
I know it is a long and slow process but I just want things to return to normal and so does she. My GF has made herself the moderator of my computer which helps alot but it just doesn't seem to be enough! Any suggestions?
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Anonymous100305
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Smile Feb 02, 2015 at 04:52 PM
  #2
OMG, fortbliss!!! I feel SO badly for you! From my perspective, you are guilty of NOTHING except being MALE!!! Evolution made it such that men ensure the survival of their genetic material by spreading their seed as widely as possible. So we men are programmed to want to have sex with anything & everything that moves... especially if it is wearing a skirt! It's society that dictates that men adhere to the principles of monogamy. Not that this is a bad idea, in the whole scheme of things... But it's not really how evolution has pre-programmed us. I don't think women, in general, realize just how strong most men's sex drive really is. How could they? They don't have it. Of course, I'm sure there are exceptions. There are exceptions to everything. But, as a rule, evolution has dictated that in order to ensure the survival of their genetic material, men spread their seed as widely as possible, & women preserve the family unit to the greatest extent possible in order to ensure that the children they bear grow up to reproduce themselves, and on and on...

It is not your fault that your GF's ex cheated on her. That was a different relationship. And if she has not been able to leave it behind, then this is something that it is appropriate for her to work on with her therapist. And, of course, you want to be sensitive to her needs & be as helpful as possible. But, based on what you wrote, it sounds to me as though you have become the whipping post for her past disappointments. And apparently you're now watching a video that is reinforcing the guilt & shame that is being heaped upon you. At some point, I fear, you are going to begin to unravel as a result of carrying around this huge ball of shame that is being rolled for you.

From my perspective, the only unfortunate part of this whole thing, to begin with, was that it sounds as though there was perhaps a lack of forthright communication between you & your GF from the beginning. I wouldn't fault either of you for this. These sorts of things are difficult for couples to talk about in general. And this brings me to the question of what to do now. First, stop feeling so darn guilty! You're a man! All you did was look at some pictures on the computer, for cripes sake! (Well... okay... maybe you even masturbated to them... geeze!) Have you been soliciting prostitutes? Have you become hooked on child pornography? Have you sexually abused children? Okay, then maybe there's something to feel ashamed of. But looking at pictures on the computer? At this point, simply realize that there has been a lack of communication between the two of you & that both of you need to learn how to communicate more openly & honestly. But, PLEASE, stop beating yourself up, fortbliss! Oh... & if I were you, I'd take back my computer... gently...

Last edited by Anonymous100305; Feb 02, 2015 at 08:15 PM.. Reason: Spelling error
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Default Feb 02, 2015 at 06:28 PM
  #3
There must be more to it then just pictures on your computer ...
If you already new her history about trust not sure why you would take a chance and let her see your computer .
You have to face the fact she may never trust you again because of her ex husband .

She is going to put all her anger that her ex husband did to her because she now dose not trust you . and you remind her of what she went threw .
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Default Feb 02, 2015 at 10:32 PM
  #4
I'm completely with Skeezyks on this. If it is something as simple as looking at pictures on your computer, that in itself is nothing to be ashamed about. My boyfriend and I talk openly about what we like and dislike as far as other people, and each of us know that we have attraction to people other than each other. That doesn't mean that we don't love each other or that we're being unfaithful to each other. It simply means we're being honest about what we like in the opposite (and, in my case, also the same) sex.

I think a lot of the problem results from your girlfriend's previous relationship with her ex-husband. He committed infidelities towards her, and she probably suspects that, because you look at pictures of women other than her, you plan on committing the same infidelities that her previous partner did. I think it's obvious that she's very insecure about it. Maybe you two should go to couple's therapy and discuss this openly with a third, impartial party. I think it could be a great start in repairing the problems that exist in your relationship.

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Thanks for this!
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Default Feb 04, 2015 at 09:37 AM
  #5
I need more info from the OP.
What kind of pics were these? Just sexy ones?
Is she seeing a T? Did she leave her ex & jump right into a relationship w/you?
Do you both talk openly about sex & what each other wants & what is satisfying?
If you need more sex then you need to ask. If she's uncomfortable about you seeing pics she needs to explain why? Does she think ur cheating or does she see it as competition & is jealous?

Lots of questions left to answer.

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Default Feb 05, 2015 at 02:49 PM
  #6
Patagonia brings up some very good questions, particularly about whether or not you talk openly about sex with your girlfriend. If you don't, and if there are things you disagree on that aren't communicated because of that, that causes even more problems within the relationship. Maybe you should sit down with your girlfriend and have a talk about everything you guys want out of the sexual part of your relationship. This could be a good way to lead into talking to her about the photos and asking her exactly why she dislikes it when you look at them. A better understanding of things can certainly help. If you don't think that what you're doing is wrong (and I certainly don't, if it's just pictures), tell her so and explain why. Maybe she could better understand you, too. If you two still disagree on the topic, you two will have to work out a compromise.

At any rate, I sincerely hope you two can work it out.

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