Only a lesbian could want me.

I think I'm "straight" I've been married 20plus yrs have kids, not that says whether I'm straignt or not I know. I use to think I was gay before I realised my "crushes" on other women was more due to wanting them to be my "perfect mother" rather than anything sexual.

I'm comfortable with all kinds of sexual orientation so Its not that I am trying to deny anything about myself. What is bothering me is more "what is this all about?" kind of thinking.

I don't know if I can explain it but here goes....Its almost like I want a lesbian to want me. I don't even think about me giving anything to "her" its all about "me" and her wanting me. Almost like I don't understand how anyone would want me unless there was something that the other person wanted from me more than I wanted.

I don't fantasis about sex with women. Eh no thats a lie I am curious and when I first started therapy I so wanted my T to be gay and then I fantasised her falling in love with me and wanting me!

I guess I dont think of the sex part much at all, I just want something that will "hook" a woman to me then I can keep them. I mean a friendship feels like that is something anyone could get from anyone but a lesbian would fall totally and irrisibily in love with me and never leave me!

I dont know if this is because I was abandoned at birth and can't believe a woman would want me unless there was somethign she needed from me???

Geez this sounds so cold as I write it.

Does this sound like I am in denial about my own sexual orientation? Am I gay and trying to pretend I'm not??? I had 1 sexual experience with a female friend in my teens. I idolised her so much that I just preteneded I was asleep and really felt great that she wanted me in that way. though she was drunk herself.

I'm really more confused now that I've written this out then before I started to write :-(

I do envy lesbians because I think a love between two women is so much better then a love between a man and woman. Oh geez anyone got any clues to this??????