Could anyone explain this? Is it even a sexual issue?

I´m not sure how to explain this, I feel very confused about it myself. Perhaps someone here at PC can give me some perspectives. I´m, as I wrote in another post, still a virgin and I´m 30+ in age. That´s embarrasing but I don´t want to lose my virginity with anyone anywhere. I don´t know really why I never took the step to see someone and have sex at a younger age.

I´ve thought about asexuality but I´m so to speak very normal in that aspect having sex on my own and having had that since my teens. As I feel I can do this rather well on my own, I don´t feel ashamed about it or anything, I don´t have the urge to seek out a partner. Perhaps I feel a bit disgusted by sex not wanting to be a receiver of anyone elses sexual urges.

The thing that disturbs me and that I can´t really understand is my rather frequent thoughts about other people having sex. "Other people" is always older women that I in one or another way look up to. I´m not thinking of having sex with them, I more of thinking about if they have a satisfying sex life themselves, if they have sex at their age (around 60-70 years old), if they have sex with themselves. I never think like this about older men or men at whatever age.

I don´t fantasize about those women like how they would look like naked, I don´t want to sleep with them but still, I think about their sex lifes. If I know they´re married, I think about if they still have sex with their husband. I also think about how and when they became sexually active, how they felt about it. I really can´t understand why I think about this.

I think like this only when I find them intelligent, having a successful career, they dress in a smart way. Embarrassingly I have had this thoughts about my former T and when looking for a new T to begin a new therapy, these kind of thoughts emerge again.

It´s not that I sit in session and think of a T in a sexual way but afterwards I find myself thinking like this. I think about a lot of other stuff going on in therapy as well but these thoughts bothers me as I can´t understand them.

I don´t think like this when meeting younger women in my own age, it´s only these older women that makes me think like this. Of course I can get some more brief sexual thoughts about a woman or a man or a couple but not at all in that range as with older women. I can´t really imagine myself having sex with other women but I sometimes think of this matter as some kind of latent homosexuality. Any clues to this?

My first thought is, "thats what i want to be or have when i grow up." I would have to admit i have had similar thoughts. My second impression is that its Oedipal - about taking / replacing our mother's place in the world.

I'm not sure if this is where you're coming from, but I have a fear of not being able to enjoy intimacy when I'm older. I'm in my late 20s and I have no idea whether older women I respect are having sex…I have no idea what it's like to be that age but the thought of sex ending is very disturbing. Time goes by so fast…one day I too will be postmenopausal. It's part of a fear of growing older and it's particularly strong when I feel like my life is lacking in some major way (we women in our 20s don't have too much time to dilly-dally if we want families, careers, etc.).

Anyhow, is it possible that you're somehow concerned that you're losing time that you could be enjoying sex? Or maybe losing time in some other department? What you're describing doesn't really sound sex-related…sounds like you're curious about their lives for one reason or another.

Before I had any sexual experience, I used to think about other, older women having sex, wondering what it was like for them, if they enjoyed it, if it made them happy, if it was romantic or gross or ... just thoughts. It wasn't even erotic, I didn't get turned on. I just wondered what it was like for them and when I was older what it would be like for me.

As I matured into my own relationship and sexuality, that stopped. Other people's sex lives don't rouse my curiosity any longer.

I've talked to other people who have gone through the same phase. Maybe the important aspect is whether or not thinking about these admirable women and potential Ts being sexual distresses you or not.

In the psychotherapy forum various posters have written about feeling highly distressed and grossed out about the thought of their Ts, especially their female Ts, being sexual. That distress seemed to be part of unaddressed maternal transference and regression to a younger age. Young people, especially in early adolescence when we're all figuring out what sex is about, often feel especially distressed by the thought of their mother's being sexual.

If it doesn't distress you and doesn't turn into chaotic maternal transference, it might be healthy curiosity about what this part of life is all about.

It´s a bit reassuring to hear about someone else having had similar thoughts. I didn´t expect that. As you said you also heard about others having these thoughts, did you get to know about why such thoughts appear? (Or if anyone else here at PC knows).

I don´t think it´s anything gross about the thoughts or that you can assume those women, as for example your own T, are sexual in some way or another. The thoughts though bother me sometimes but mostly because I don´t know why I have them.

I´m almost sure I could never talk to a T about this as I´m going to see precisely that kind of woman I have these thoughts about. It would be that embarrasing I couldn´t get back in therapy if I let her know. It feels abnormal in some way having those thoughts.

In what ways could maternal transference be unaddressed? And how is it shown in an adult?

In your curiosity is there any feeling of hoping they are having sex and feeling sorry for them if they aren't? Or any feeling of reassurance if they are or if they aren't?

Those are very good questions, I´ve never thought of it this way before. When thinking about those women having sex or if they don´t I´m not really sure about the specific reason to why I think about it. Perhaps if I know they´re single I can compare myself to them a little in that respect that perhaps they´re also having sex "with themselves". Of course I can´t know if they´re seeing someone even if they live by themselves but still.

Some part of me also have the feeling that it´s a bit sad if they live by themselves and I don´t know if they went through a divorce and now they´re alone. Then, it´s not only thinking of them having sex or not but I also think of them living a lonely life. I thought this way about my ex T for example, sometimes, I don´t know why, I got the impression she could be a bit lonely. I know she lived by herself.

I don´t think it has to do with reassurance as I can´t feel reassured as my thoughts are only based upon speculations and fantasy. To feel reassured I´d have to know for sure about those women having sex or not and of course I don´t know that.

The thoughts are very frustrating even if I don´t have them all the time.

It sounds like you are searching for empathy. Since this is an area of concern for you maybe you are looking to those you admire and wondering if they share some of the same behaviors & thoughts; maybe so you could feel comforted by not being alone in your behaviors & thoughts... or possibly to learn from them. Maybe you are trying to decide if you maintain your current way of life will you be content in the future or do you need to make some changes.

I don't know these are some of the things that came to my mind. I do think you are a kind person to be thoughtful of others, for example being concerned that they may be lonely.