How can I get my libido back?

Sirensong18 · Feb 24, 2015 at 06:37 PM

This is an extension of my previous 'need help with sex stuff' post, found here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexual-gender-issues/379441-need-some-help-sex-stuff.html

So - Hubby and I had a heart to heart talk today about the issues we've been having. I tried my best, through many tears and sniffles, to explain how I've been feeling. I told him that while I still love him very much, I just have no desire for sex. I explained how it seems like a horrible cycle that just keeps getting worse, where I'm nervous/anxious about sex because I'm afraid it's going to hurt, so then I don't relax and enjoy it, so then it hurts, so then I'm more nervous/anxious the next time... and so on.

I also told him how nothing seems to turn me on any more. I've tried porn, erotic literature, fantasizing, masturbation, we even got a few new toys - nothing does anything to provoke desire or make me the least bit horny. I don't even enjoy masturbation any more. None of the touches or strokes I used to love work now. Even my favorite vibrator doesn’t make my body respond. Masturbation just feels weird and forced and not enjoyable.

I explained how I feel constantly under pressure to perform for him, and satisfy his desires, keep him happy. I also mentioned how I feel overwhelmed with having to work full time, always figure out what’s for dinner/lunch, and do pretty much all the housework (he does the dishes almost daily, and scrubs out the bath tub once in a while, but that’s it). No matter how much I try to keep up with housework, I always feel like it’s not enough. The house never seems clean enough. I’d be embarrassed if a friend or relative dropped by unannounced.

Not that they ever do. L I think a big part of the problem is how lonely I am. My mother, with whom I used to be able to talk to about anything and everything, died 2 years ago. I have no siblings. My best friend lives in another state (4.5 hr drive away), and my other friends all live at least 1.5 hours away. So it’s very difficult to have any kind of social life. I try to keep up with friends via social media, and I invite people over all the time – but it seems like everyone is either: 1.Broke 2.Working all the time (and still broke) or 3. Dealing with kids and have no time for socializing.

Since it’s so hard to ever get together with anyone or actually talk about our lives, I find myself not able to really talk about any of these sexual issues with any of my friends. I don’t want to unload all my issues on someone when we only get a chance to chat every few months, you know? I don’t want to come off as totally crazy and drive away the few friends I do still have.

So a few good things did come out of the talk husband and I had today. Hubby has offered to help me more with housework, and find a better balance for our home life so I don’t feel so overwhelmed all the time. We also got a white board and we wrote out the days of the week as a chart. We’re going to use that to plan out meals and what cleaning/chores need to be done. Hopefully this will take some of the pressure off and make things easier to keep up with.

He told me that he feels bad because he can’t get me off anymore, like it’s all his fault. He ends up feeling like he’s “all thumbs” and that what he is doing must be wrong because it doesn’t make me enjoy myself. After a while, he just quits trying. Also, he expressed feeling frustrated that sex lately seems to be all about me - that he spends so much time and energy trying to get me into it that he ends up not feeling loved or desired at all. (So then sex is no fun for him either.) Which I can understand. It can’t be easy or fun to be trying everything you can think of touching/kissing/stroking wise and still have none of it turn your partner on.

Hubby suggested that maybe we need a break from sex stuff for a while. He says he’ll take care of himself, so I don’t have to worry about it. He’s hoping that I can use this time to “reset” my body and start to figure out what I like and what turns me on now. He also suggested that I take more time for myself, to read, to take a bubble bath, to masturbate, whatever – just taking more time to take care of myself.

I feel so torn and miserable. I’ve been crying all day. A small part of me is relieved that the pressure is off now, but mostly I just feel guilty and horrible. It’s like this is all my fault. Why can’t I just enjoy sex like I used to? Hubby insists that he loves me forever, and that he won’t cheat on me, but I feel like I’m driving him away. His birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I’ll be on my period that day anyway, but I’m feeling awful that he’s basically making himself celibate, all because of my issues.

Before anyone asks – no, I am not on any medication for depression nor do I want to be. Pharmaceutical medicine is not my friend, for a few reasons. 1. I don’t want to mess with my brain chemistry. None of the previous anti-depressant pills that I was on (several different brands over 8 years) ever did any good. 2. I’m trying to live a more natural life, using herbs and roots as medicines 3. Even if I wanted to get a prescription for pills, I have no insurance and no way to pay for it.

Also, no, I am not and cannot get into therapy. Again, the problem is no insurance and no way to pay for it. I’m living paycheck to paycheck as it is.

This ended up being a lot longer of a post than I meant it to be. Writing is cathartic for me, so it does help a bit just to write this all down. Thanks to anyone who actually read (or even just skimmed) this and has any advice/well wishes for me. I could use some support right now.

sherbet · Feb 24, 2015 at 08:36 PM

I remember your previous post. It sounds like you and your husband had a productive talk and he responded with some good ideas. Try to take care of yourself and good luck with this new plan!

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sherbet Member Member Since Dec 2014 Location: New England Posts: 127 9 166 hugs given	Feb 24, 2015 at 08:36 PM #2 I remember your previous post. It sounds like you and your husband had a productive talk and he responded with some good ideas. Try to take care of yourself and good luck with this new plan!
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