So much for plan 'A'...

So since hubby told me we could take a break from sex for a while to let me get things figured out with my body and what works for me to get off and enjoy myself, we’ve had sex twice. I guess we’ll have to give plan ‘B’ a try.

Plan ‘B’, I suppose, is where I try to figure out what’s wrong with me and fix it, while still having sex with my husband so he doesn’t feel unloved.

The day after he said we’d have a break, I could feel the pain and hurt resonating from him as we sat in a very long and silent car ride. He was giving me one word answers to questions, and not carrying on conversations at all. I could tell he was upset, but when I’d ask him how he was, I’d only get “fine” as an answer.

I can understand how he was feeling - he was feeling hurt, and like I didn’t love him or wasn’t attracted to him anymore. So after we got home, I had a brief nap, got out the vibrator, and got myself worked up enough to handle sex. I was able to have an “okay” orgasm with the vibrator (read: it felt nice, but not great). I initiated the sex. I did enjoy it, it was easier than it’d been in the past as far as not hurting as much. I really tried to stay in the moment, and connect with him and show how much I do still love him. Still, I did not orgasm from the sex. (In years past, I was always able to cum from sex, usually multiple times.)

The next day we ended up having sex again, this time without a “vibrator warm up round” for me. I was able to really enjoy myself for the most part, and was actually into it more than I’ve been in months. I was trying again to really stay engaged in the moment, really focusing, and working to just enjoy all the sensations and feelings as they washed over me. This did work well – for a while.

But no matter what position I tried or how much I touched myself, I just couldn’t seem to cum. It was very frustrating – I’d get really into it, start creeping towards an orgasm, then he’d have to stop for a while to stop himself from going over the edge prematurely. Then we’d start up again, but the same position that was working towards an orgasm for me before was not working anymore. (He seems to REALLY like it when I’m enjoying myself and getting into it – which is a problem because then he has to stop and so I can’t get off. But if he were to keep going, he’d cum in 30 seconds where it would still take me a few more minutes of the action to actually get off. Bit of a conundrum.)

It started hurting a bit towards the end. SO I moaned and was behaving “sexy” (read: animated behavior in which I appear to be enjoying myself), which helped throw hubby over the edge so he came. I got a nice cuddle afterwords, but I can’t help feeling frustrated and hurt (emotionally and a bit physically too.) It’d be a lot easier to enjoy sex if I was able to ENJOY SEX and cum at least once. L Hubby did ask me if I’d enjoyed myself during the cuddle, to which I said that I did but I couldn’t get over the edge. I’m not sure if he even heard me – he passes out pretty quick after sex. (I call it the “sex coma” haha) It would be nice if he could maybe play with my clit after sex and get me off that way, but once he’s done he’s pretty much done – simply doesn’t have any energy or wherewithal to do anything more.

So once he was snoring, I quit cuddling since it doesn’t make me feel connected to him at all when he’s just snoring and not like actively holding me and loving me. I got up, got cleaned off, and played sims on the computer for an hour or two till I could finally try to sleep.

Now I’m stuck. I simply don’t know what to do. I am trying to be good to myself, monitor my depression and not get down in the dumps so much. I am trying to figure out what touches/strokes turn me on. The problem is that it never seems to be the same twice. Or worse, something will feel great for a while, then for no reason it will suddenly stop working all together. So I’ll be all into it, getting worked up, then suddenly it’ll stop feeling good and just feel awkward or weird. How am I supposed to guide or instruct hubby in how to turn me on when I can’t even figure it out?

When I do try to direct him or tell him faster, slower, more side to side, whatever – I can tell that to him, it seems like I’m putting him down or telling him he’s doing it “wrong” – when in fact I’m just trying to enjoy myself and not assigning any blame on him at all. But I can see that it still hurts him, and he quits trying after a while when he can’t do anything “right”. So then I feel all pressured to just cum already and cum quickly – but that doesn’t work in my headspace at all. The more I try to force it or just get there already, the farther away it seems to be.

Also – just need to vent here – I’m feeling a bit pissed off about yesterday. I want him to make the effort to make sure I enjoy myself too. But I also understand that neither of us know how to get me to reliably cum, so how can I be mad at him for not getting me there? Ugh it’s just so complicated, and I feel so two ways about everything.

I used to love sex. I used to have multiple orgasms, sometimes even without him touching me. I figured he had magic fingers, or maybe it was just that our connection was so strong.

I don’t think we’ll be having sex today. I have to work a long day, and won’t be home till late. He doesn’t like sex at night, so I guess I get a reprieve. Tomorrow I work a more standard day shift, coming home in the early evening. I’m already getting uptight and anxious about possibly having to have sex tomorrow.

Thank you to this group for letting me vent and write these long posts, even if you don’t read them. Writing is cathartic for me, and even when I don’t come to any new solutions or get new ideas, it still makes me feel a bit better to just get how I’m feeling off my chest.

Hugs and love. –Sirensong18

Siresong18, Are you taking any medication for your depression?? Many of them can carry the side effects of libido decrease and inability to achieve orgasm (anorgasmia).

Sexual and Gender Issues - Forums at Psych Central

Hope this helps. Best Wishes!!!

Not on meds for depression. I was medicated from about age 12 - 17. I had tried several different brands and kinds, and they never helped me in the least. Most of my depression back then was situational, due to a bad home life. Once I got out of there, many of my issues cleared right up.

Even if I wanted to trust big pharma to solve my problems (which I don't) I can't because I have no health insurance and no way to pay for medication at this time.

I have been wondering if my birth control pill is to blame. I've been on the same brand for about a year, after trying many different brands and always having problems with break through bleeding. Finally found a brand that doesn't give me that problem - but now the planned parenthood is switching me to a different brand because I guess the original one is no longer available for them? UGH. So it'll be interesting to see if the new brand (start next month) makes it better, worse, or no change at all.

Thanks for the best wishes though, and for reading my long *** post.

I hope it is the birth control pills. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you!!!!

In my opinion, there isn't just one thing happening here, but a multitude of issues playing out.

1. It sounds like you've both moved from having sex for fun and bonding without any real expectations to feeling anxiety, tension and rejection. These mental hurdles can make enjoying sex difficult and awkward and often are indicative of similar issues in your relationship overall. Personally, I think you guys need to reconnect first. Go on dates to the movies or start a pillow fight. Skip out on housework and go get an ice cream. Play together. Rebuild those bonds.

2. There is also a physical component. You might try things like Yours and Mine to not only alleviate the pain, but maybe even heighten enjoyment.

3. Communicate what your needs and wants are outside the bedroom. Don't try to wing it when you're already in the middle of things. You've said you don't really know so talking through things might help. Start with exercises like "I love it when you ..." and "I wish you would do ... more". And instead of just deciding to have sex, say, "Tonight we should try ..." (Not to mention there is a verbal component to sexuality ... ahem ... why he wants to hear you ... and that can also assist in getting things going). Be more exploratory, hubby should get out his goggles and swim fins and not come up for air and maybe you make a trip to Victoria's Secret (or some other exciting places )

So, to sum up, take some time to address those tensions in your relationship that are rearing up strongly when you talk about sex. Fix them outside the bedroom so they aren't in the way when you are in the bedroom. Consider marital aids. And communicate, communicate, communicate. Talk it through and work together without judgement or rejection, but using teamwork, compassion and love.

Thank you for the very good advice. I ended up going home early from work last night because I was so upset about all this, and hubby and I had another good talk - outside of the bedroom. He's feeling better and like things are moving in the right direction, because the last 2 times we got together he was able to at least excite me and turn me on, so he feels like we're making progress and he's happy to keep working with me to make it even better. So that's good.

I like your suggestions of saying things like "I love it when you..." etc. I am trying to be a better communicator and tell him what I need, both in the bedroom and outside of it. He has been helping out with housework A LOT more lately, so that has helped my attitude and outlook quite a bit too.

I recently got a groupon for a wine tasting and 4 course meal deal. I'm super excited for a date night! And with hubby's birthday coming up, I got us tickets to a Broadway show that'll be in town and I'm thinking of treating him to an exotic dinner (thai, indian, or maybe japaneese cuisine. We love trying new things together.) I think you're right in saying that part of the problem is simply a lack of romance. We need some time to just reconnect and bond more. So hopefully these outings will help.

Not quite sure what you're referencing there. Can you give me more info? Thanks. -Sirensong18

Awesome to hear about your upcoming date nights! Kudos! And also about you guys getting some positive communication going.

In reference to #2, you had mentioned that sex had started to hurt a little by the end.

There are lubricants like KY Yours and Mine that might help a little with that and they also have a really wild feeling to them that might help push you over the edge as well. There are other products out there like Yours and Mine that give cool sensations and such that help with the excitement as well.