Confusing Feelings Towards a Friend of the Same Gender

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and have never sought help online like this before, so I apologize if this ends up being long-winded. However, this issue has been burning me up quite and a bit, and it's something I just can't discuss with anyone I know.

Anyway, to begin with I am a 19-year old college student. Since starting college (but particularly during this year) I have really grappled with trying to understand my sexual identity. Last year, I made the conclusion that I must be asexual: I had never been in a relationship or really even wanted to be in one; had never really found anyone to be attractive or, again, even cared about looks; had never masturbated; and had never really felt any strong sexual desire towards anyone else. Coming to this realization was difficult enough, but now things have come up that have made this even more complicated and confusing.

I live in an apartment with three other friends, all of them male and the same age as me. One of these friends I was acquaintances with in high school, but we became a lot closer in college. Now, recently I have found myself experiencing some feelings towards him that I just have no idea how to interpret. Basically, what is most confusing is that I have this desire to see him naked. "Desire" probably isn't the best word, because it stops right there. I don't want to have sex with him or anything like that, I just want to see him naked for whatever reason. As I write this I realize how ridiculous and weird this probably sounds.

Now, I really don't think there are any sexual feelings behind this, although what confuses me is that you could say that I do think he is a good-looking guy (something I've never really experienced before), and I do often get erections when he walks out of the bathroom in a towel after taking a shower, or bends down and I happen to (admittedly purposely) catch a glimpse of his behind. Should I take these erections I get as signs that I am actually experiencing sexual desire toward him, even if I have no real desire to have sex with him? I would like to hug him or touch him in a non-sexual way, but I'm a touchy-feely person, so that's normal to me (he on the other hand is not at all).

Moreover, I sometimes find myself occasionally getting weirdly obsessive over him. Like, for instance, if he's talking to one of my other housemates more than me I'll end up feeling angry or think he's ignoring me or or doesn't like me as much as them. I know this sounds a lot like jealousy in a typical relationship, but again, I don't know where that general lack of sexual desire factors into this.

I guess most of my confusion comes from the fact that I don't know what to make of these feelings. Does this mean that I am gay? And if this ends up being sexual attraction, what do I do then? My friend is straight, although I believe he has only had sex once (last year). I don't know if I could ever see myself telling him about these feelings.

Looking over this, I apologize for how long this ended up being, but I think all these details are important to include. Anyway, thank you all for taking the time to listen.

hi
this does sound confusing. it does sound very much like an attraction is there from your responses to him which it sounds like you realize but are thrown off by the fact that there is no desire to have sex. i think this would be explained by the fact that you have been asexual until now. it is just not a part of your thought process to have sex. you are thinking about the other parts and wanting the other parts of a relationship, but sex has never been part of that for you. does that make you gay? only you can answer that after you have explored and discover where your feelings lie. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Does it make you gay? Meh ... who cares? It makes you attracted to him and I think you can worry about the label if you really want to later.

That said, listen to Kaliope. Wise words in there.

I think it means you have attractions to a particular person but he may not have any such attraction to you. Telling him about this could be disruptive of the household. He may feel this way towards you, but some guys fear being attracted to men they make it unacceptable in their mind. They can be very unopen to consider that as an acceptable behavior.

On the other hand, a therapist might help you explore these feelings without the risk of getting rejected by someone who may be unprepared to face their emotional self.

Of course coming out here at PC is low risk because of the anonymity PC offers to its members that they can exercise by how much they reveal about themselves. It is a safe place to explore other realities that may not be understood by the public we deal with.

i would suspect you are either gay or bisexual.

Another thought to consider: how do you feel about your personal body image? Could it be that, deep down, the reason you are interested in seeing your good looking friend naked is because you are subconsciously comparing him to you? It sounds to me that you really look up to this guy like an idol figure and get a bit jealous or defensive if others get in the way of your friendship with him. What I'm saying is that potentially, you are just idolizing him, and not actually gay. You're the best judge of that. If it turns out you're gay, then it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's who you are and you should be proud of it. It won't be easy to come out, but take your time, and confide in a close friend first. Good luck!

Hello again,

Thanks for the advice everyone.

In retrospect, I should have rephrased my question about whether this makes me gay or not. If I do end up being gay, it won't be something that disappoints me, although I'm not going to say that it wouldn't be an adjustment, of course. Rather, my intent in asking this sort of question was to help myself understand my as of yet still elusive sexual identity through a potentially eye-opening situation. Sex is such a prominent part of our culture, yet also one that I just have never been able to really wrap my head around and which has caused me to feel isolated from society. Even this situation is an example of it: were it just an instance of me being attracted to someone it would be much easier for me to understand, but for some reason the answer just doesn't seem to be that simple to me. But, as Kaliope suggested, it quite possibly might have to do with the complete absence of sex in my life.

Regardless, I've got a lot of things I'll need to reflect on myself.