The lovely mix of anorgasmia and ED

So I have a LOT of difficulty having an orgasm. Even on my own now apparently, but I've always had a lot of difficulty with a partner. It's actually gotten worse since I got a vibrator since orgasms via a vibrator HURT. I mean, it feels better up to that point, but I get too anxious when I approach climax to actually have an orgasm. I've been switching back to my hand the last couple times of tried and used the vibrator for penetration and I can at least stand it that way. It's still not very satisfying since I pretty have to go back to the one position I can comfortably orgasm in and it's like all the training I've been doing on my body to orgasm in different positions has been for naught.

And even worse than this is what my inability to orgasm seems to have done to my partner. He's never been confident sexually and had issues with ED and premature ejaculation since he first started having sex. To add to that, his partners discouraged him from exploring his sexuality at all and at least one of them left him because he wasn't "good enough" in bed. He's 32 now and I'm the longest term partner he's ever had by a long shot and we've only been together for 6 months. I'm the first he's ever really experimented with and he's more comfortable talking about things he likes with me than ever before. But, he still freezes up if I ask him "what would you like to try?" He just responds that he doesn't know. If I ask him if we can try a position outside of the two we always do, his response is "let's just stick with what we know". Every time we try a new position, he can't figure out how to penetrate me and loses his erection.

The last time we had sex, he kept being unable to penetrate me (he wasn't hard enough) and eventually came trying to get himself hard again for like the third or fourth time. Naturally, he's devastated, but I'm unsure how to help. Especially since my own issues are likely getting in the way.

Just so you guys know, he's healthy and is able to get hard and last a long time when he masturbates. He also claims that he's apparently only turned on by the anticipation of intercourse and not by the act itself and that's why he loses his erection. It also doesn't help that he insists on buying condoms that are difficult for me to put on and insists that I always be the one that puts it on him. I don't mind putting it on, but I'd rather have condoms that I can easily put on correctly and not struggle with, leading him to go soft.

And he is stressed, but he's always going to be stressed. It's the career field we're in. Not to mention, a lot of his stress now is his own fault and the fault of his advisor for having take 15 hours of graduate level classes this semester.

So, my questions are:

1. How do I convince him that my lack of an orgasm isn't his fault (he's been blamed before or at least felt like he was being blamed) and that I'm not going to leave him over this (again, it's happened before)? I've expressed this to him before, but words are not going to be enough.

2. How do I help him explore his sexuality and help him get to the point where when I ask him what he wants to try that he can say "I want to try X" instead of "I don't know"?

3. How do I explore how to get an orgasm without the added pressure of knowing that me not getting an orgasm from him (the only times I've had an orgasm with him present, I've been masturbating even though I tell him that he helped me reach it) makes him feel worse about himself?

I really want to go to a sex therapist, but we can't during the school year because of lack of time and we might not during the summer because he's trying really hard to get a job that will take him out of the state, if not overseas. I've tried to get him to at least apply to local jobs but his excuses were he didn't want to compete with me (we work in the same field) and that he doesn't have time to even think about filling out applications. So, we'll probably have to solve all of this without a sex therapist or with just me going to a sex therapist on my own, which won't help his anxieties over sex and subsequent ED and premature ejaculation.

First of all, you poor things ... Talk about the perfect storm.

Now on to your questions:

1. It's important to understand that any sexual dysfunction, from ED to anorgasmia to differing libidos are issues for the couple, not just one person. So your anorgasmia is a problem for both of you. Then, from a guys perspective, you're not going to convince him that it's not him. He has to get comfortable with that himself. There are guys that put giving their partners an orgasm at the top of their list and when that can't happen, they immediately internalize it. (I know I do.) So I guess patience and compassion are the only things to help him deal as well.

2. He's never thought about it I'm sure. That and there are things he probably wouldn't mind that he knows aren't on, "Okay, let's try that" list so his response will be, "I don't know." That's always my response to Mrs Webgoji when she talks fantasies. Mine she doesn't want to do so there's nothing to talk about. If you do want to explore that, I would suggest finding a way to pull it out of him; maybe watch porn together and observe him closely to see what seems to be turning him on and then suggest doing it, throw out different ideas and see if they catch his interest, but you're going to have to drag it out of him kicking and screaming.

3. First make sure it's nothing biological or medication related. Go see a doctor. Viibryd was the first AD I've ever taken that didn't cause anorgasmia. So make sure everything is right first. Then maybe check out Betty Dodson, she's frank, kinda creepy and a little gross, but has good advice (Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross | Better Orgasms. Better World.). Finally, take the pressure off yourself and him, make it kind of a "Hey, let's try this" kind of game. If it doesn't work, that just means there's another sock puppet to pull out of the closet and try. But don't get down and put pressure on yourself ... it just makes things worse. Keep it light and fun.

Good luck and hang in there!

I'm not sure if he ever had that on the top of his list or not. But all other partners he's had have had orgasms so easily that I don't think he had to think about it. It also didn't help that early on it hurt every time he touched me and he became afraid to touch me so he's still sort of uncomfortable with touching much even though I've acclimated to pain and/or it's not as bad as it once was.

So I guess he thinks he's just hurting me even when he's being gentle. I had a lot of difficulty with touch in general in the beginning anyway. It's sort of hard to explain, but I didn't know how to touch someone at all (not just specifically what touches work best with him, but how to touch someone at all). Apparently, that's off-putting, but I learned very quickly. Maybe deep down it still bothers him though?

We've tried watching porn together, but it's difficult finding something that we're both comfortable with. He only likes soft core porn, but there's only a small window of soft core that does anything for me. I do wonder if his aversion to any porn that has penetration in it is because of his lack of confidence when it come to penetrative sex. I can't stand watching porn with women having (fake) orgasms or with women at all when I'm having issues either.

But I guess it wouldn't matter if I'm completely turned off as long as he's watching something he's comfortable with, right? Or I could just ignore the actual porn I guess.

I guess I have trouble understanding the lack of imagination here. I had almost zero experience when I met him and I have a huge list of sometimes pretty imaginative things I want to try. But it gets boring if I'm the only one coming up with stuff to try because I know exactly what's going to happen.

He's afraid to try anything new unless someone else is leading. And if it doesn't work, it can be difficult to get him to try again. And about different positions, how do I teach him how to do them? He literally can't figure out how to penetrate me from different angles and I don't know how to help. I never realized it was difficult for men to figure out. Unless he's just not hard enough to penetrate me in the first place.

Short of a neurological disorder (which has never been checked for), I don't see what that would be. I'm not on any psychiatric medication. I seem to not process sensory information correctly though and can't feel pain the way I'm supposed to. I mean, I almost always burn myself while cooking (which is why I don't like cooking) and I don't always feel it at all. The last time I cooked something, apparently I splashed hot oil all over my hand. I didn't feel it at all, but I had red dots all over my hand afterwards. And some days I'm in so much pain (for no apparent reason) that I can hardly move. And I have issues with sounds that have led to meltdowns. But how do I explore the possibility of a sensory processing disorder, Asperger's, or something similar with a doctor? I can't go in acting like I have any clue what's going on or suggest that they refer me to a neurologist. I'm sure if I give them my symptoms they'll just refer me to psychiatry instead of neurology.

Or did you mean I should go to a gynecologist specifically? I just saw one last semester for my birth control. I was having a similar issue then, so you would think if something was wrong, they would have told me or it would have shown up on a test.

I'm not even sure anymore if I want to find a cure for anorgasmia. Unless I'm in a very specific position and being touched in certain ways, the orgasms are uncomfortable if not downright painful. And I can't seem to acclimate to it very quickly.

I feel for you so much. I have the same perfect storm as you (anorgasmia and ED), yet I am a man, and they are both in me. I spent most of my life with almost too much feeling in my penis and many times I would ejaculate from even just the act of penetrating. I eventually hurt my back, and although no doctor has yet to confirm my theory, I lost the sensations of touch and temperature in my penis because of that injury. I don't think I'll ever know for sure why my penis doesn't work properly, it's not from the normal reasons like meds or diabetes, and the most obvious place (pudendal nerve) is not really accessible for assessment.

It is a difficult cycle to deal with. I physically can get an erection easily (even from a cold wind out of the north). I luckily have reacted well to Viagra, meaning that I can keep it up and hard to satisfy my wife. But my orgasms are no longer consistent. There are times that my wife is on her third orgasm (from penetration) and I am no where close and tiring out fast. Even with her (or me) trying to manual finish me doesn't always work, so I don't ejaculate about 50% of the time. On top of that, about 20-30% of the time, I will have an ejaculation without an orgasm or an ejaculation that hurts. I know that this may be hard to understand for some, but the plumbing does what it is supposed to, but the muscle/chemical release just doesn't happen.

I admit that I don't always react well to this. I do suffer from post-Viagra headaches, so you can understand how frustrating it can be to try and have sex, then end up without an orgasm (or with pain) and then have a massive headache. Sadly my wife views my disappointment and then figures she doesn't want to hurt me, so she avoids sex. Talk about a bad cycle...I'm feeling down, then I get more down because I can't even try to have sex.

I have been seeing a sex therapist, first as a couple, now alone. I have been having success at "dealing" with the situation. What this means is that I recognize and accept that a pleasurable orgasm (or an orgasm at all) does not have to be the expected result. I have ACTUALLY engaged in intercourse with my wife, where she was satisfied through cunnilingus, then we stopped and went to bed. My pleasure was gained from providing pleasure.

Now, can this help you? Maybe...I know for years when I had premature ejaculation, my wife wouldn't orgasm because I would finish too early. She always told be that she had fun, even without an orgasm. The situation may just be one that you have to accept and deal with. For me that has meant accepting that sex is not all about the almighty orgasm, that sex can still be enjoyable without it. I know it goes counter to human nature, but I know for sure I am happier now than when I was making an issue out of every "failure" and getting depressed over it.

That happens to him too. I don't know the reason though. It seems to happen more when he's relaxed and confident. I thought him being relaxed and confident would help.

I really can't mention Viagra without hurting his feelings. Even mentioning him going to a doctor makes him think I want him to go on pills. And it seems cruel to put him through having headaches especially since there's no way I'd ever have an orgasm that way. Not to mention I'd get uncomfortable, bored, and/or distracted after about a minute or two anyway. And it's not like we can keep switching positions either. We only know two and can't expand to more than that because he can't figure out how to penetrate me in any other position. I really don't feel much anyway.

He almost always ejaculates before I can even find a comfortable position anyway. But if he were to last longer, I just get uncomfortable or run out of things to do if I'm on top. Both missionary and being on top hurt my hips if it goes on more than a minute or two so him lasting longer is just going to help him, not me.

He also can't go down on me for long enough for me to get off, if it's even possible for me to orgasm from that either (I never have). There's no way he'd be able to last long enough with his hand or with a vibrator. It takes just as long with a vibrator as it does with a hand for some reason. The only way I can have an orgasm is if I masturbate. I knew this before I even started having sex with anyone. It was a complete pipe dream to think that anyone else would ever be able to give me an orgasm.

And I've masturbated in front of him several times. I'm not sure what good it does. It just makes me feel worse about myself and about it taking so long.

The real problem is his focus in sex is giving me an orgasm through intercourse. So what am I supposed to do, fake one? I've already given up on ever having an orgasm outside of masturbation and I'm surprised that I was ever able to have an orgasm in his presence. I think they were flukes.

I got the vibrator to make it easier for me to reach orgasm and for me to learn to orgasm in other positions. It makes it much harder and the orgasms are not worth the time I put into them even when I'm completely on my own.

I did another re-read of the thread and realized that I have a couple more things to add.

The first thing is just the path of honesty between each other. Believe me, I know that sexual function is deep and sacred issue with all humans, men and women alike. When things don't work as expected we will spend significant effort pursuing answers. But one of the most important steps in being able to admit sexual issues with your partner. I don't mean just making a simple statement to your partner, I mean talking about and understanding the issues so that both partners can assess and accept how the issue affects/influences the relationship. I say this because you mention that you ask whether you should fake your orgasms.

You both should tell each other everything about each other...you're partners, you're monogamous sexual beings...so if you don't talk to your sole sexual partner about your sexual issues, there will only ever be tension and conflict...both internally and between each other. You both need to lay it all out on the table...without accusation or blame. We all tend to assume we know what our partners want or are/are not willing to accept.

Following this (my second point) you can work to find a balance. Believe me I don't know what that balance is for everyone...even me...but I'm working towards it. I've made personally headway to accepting my sexual performance limitations, and even my wife understands/accepts my limitations. We still try to be intimate and I'd say that in the last dozen times we have been intimate where I was unable to orgasm, I was not upset or angry. You know, like getting your car door dinged at the mall...it's not what you wanted, but it's not worth losing sleep over.

I'm in no way an expert and I'm not a professional in these fields, but I believe that some intimate discussions between you and your partner are needed. You should explain what "you can or cannot do", what "you want or don't want to do", what "you are willing or wanting to do for your partner", etc. In this way, you can better accept and support each other through whatever the issues are...and the discussion alone with bring you closer.

My wife and I have these discussions still from time to time. We get intimate including penetrative sex, that sometimes works great for us both. Sometimes it's just an emotional release to explain what you want. One of my more liberating moments was explaining to my wife that I love being naked, as the freedom energizes me. At the time, we were taking a walk on our land (rural property), and she told me I could get undressed and walk with her in the nude. It wasn't sexual in any way, but I was so relieved and energized from the "acceptance" I felt, that when we went to bed that night we had some of the best and most satisfying sex we ever had.

I'm just trying to say that assuming and expecting things will only serve to keep an unneeded tension around. Open up, because if you can't with yourself or your partner...who can you?

We have been talking about the issues we have. I've admitted that being on my back makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I've been working on finding a comfortable way to masturbate in that position but it's been difficult but unfortunately it's more convenient to use that position in partner sex.

It's very difficult for each one of us to open up about our sexuality because we've both had to suppress it in the past before we met. Other partners wouldn't allow him to explore his sexuality so he has no clue what he likes and he's usually scared to try anything outside of the "basics" (for lack of a better term). And I grew up believing that every part of my sexuality was wrong and disgusting. That it's abnormal that I have a higher sex drive, that I get aroused very easily, and especially because I've been attracted to all genders. Also, I believe my gender to be non-binary and my sexuality sometimes comes from what I would describe as a male perspective. He's aware of all of this but it's a really large leap for him to switch gender roles in order to accommodate me. He's taking steps in order to do so and with some stuff, we've gotten to the point where he admits that he would like what I'm suggesting but is having trouble with the "grossness" of it I guess?

I guess I'm ashamed of my sexuality and he's terrified of his and probably terrified of mine as well.

And it's not only all that, but his life in general has been rough the last couple of years. He lost a dream job 2 years ago and has never recovered from it. Last year, he started grad school and was promised a teaching assistantship and never received it. Then his grandparents both died. This semester he was I daresay bullied into taking 15 credit hours (if you don't know, 9 is full time for grad school and 12 is usually that absolute max) and he has time management and prioritizing issues anyway. And now this week, he found out that his advisor is resigning so he doesn't even know for sure if his degree will still exist next year because there's some doubt as to who will be his major professor. He's also used to women leaving him rather quickly (sometimes because of sexual issues) and I think he's convinced I'll leave him too (especially because of sexual issues). He gets so worried about not being able to perform and then so upset when he fails (when he fails in his eyes anyway). I try to get him to take the focus off penetrative sex so he can get out of the cycle of perceived failure, but he's almost obsessed with finding a way to give me an orgasm through penetration because he's never done that before and he thinks it makes him a failure as a man. And now there's too much pressure on me to have an orgasm, during any circumstance really because me not having an orgasm seems to cement in his mind that he's a failure.

I don't know how to get him to relax…everything physically works well if he doesn't think about it (at least erection wise). He says he gets too excited when he penetrates me so that's why he usually immediately ejaculates. And I haven't gotten good a putting on condoms quickly and efficiently yet so he loses a lot of erections that way. And I'm pretty sure he's unable to put them on himself because of a lack of motor skills.

If he's in town this summer and I have an income, then we can go to a sex therapist. I just wish I knew how to make the best of what we have until then. He probably needs to go to a regular therapist but I think he's afraid they'll officially diagnose him as being on the autism spectrum which will guarantee that he'll never get the job he lost back.

Does anyone know if being on the autism spectrum can cause or exacerbate this? Even though he's not officially diagnosed, it's pretty much certain that my partner is on the spectrum. I'm getting evaluated on whether I'm on the spectrum or not in the near future. We've both had these issues our entire lives.