Fear of sex

I joined this community so I could ask a question- is it weird to be 23 and a virgin?

My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a while. He's still a virgin and so am I. He wants to have sex. I'm terrified. He's very understanding and waiting, but when he's suggested us making love I've panicked. I start crying and I don't know why, other than I just plain feel terrified, like I'm going to be punished, hurt. There's a lot of reasons why- religious upbringing, fear of pregnancy, fear that if my parents ever found out they'd never speak to me again and somehow I've connected sex with abuse (I don't know if I was ever abused or not. I think I was sexually abused as a kid, and I was taken advantage of by a boyfriend in college, but I don't know if that counts.) We do other things, but I just can't go all the way.

My friends all tell me I'm being ridiculous. They say sex is a good thing; it doesn't hurt, and I'm supposed to enjoy it- I'm a grown woman now and should be able to have sex with my boyfriend in a committed, caring relationship.

I want to be normal. I want to know why everyone thinks sex is such a wonderful thing. But I just can't get myself to go through with it.

No, it's not weird to be 23 and still be a virgin. While most people have sex before then, there are plenty who don't.

It does sound like you have a lot of sexual issues, for which I'd recommend talking to a sex therapist, but it's not unusual to be afraid to have sex for the first time, anyway. If you were sexually abused, certainly it makes sense to have fears.

What do you mean, you were taken advantage of by a boyfriend? If you don't mind giving more details, that is. I'm not quite sure what you're saying. But yes, it counts. Abuse is abuse.

Your friends shouldn't tell you that you're ridiculous. You're not. Some people have had things happen to them that they have to deal with, and some of those things can affect how we feel about sex and our sexuality. It's supposed to be a good thing and be pleasurable, but sometimes we have mental or physical issues that make it difficult or painful. We can overcome these things, though.

Yes, you're a grown woman, and you should be able to have sex. But that doesn't mean you have to. First, you should only have sex if you truly want to, and you're ready. I'm sure you experience a lot of guilt, from the feeling I get about your post, but try to remember, whether you have a problem or not, you have the right to decide when you have sex. Your boyfriend sounds really nice and patient, but if you feel pressure from him, let him know that you just don't want to. If you want to, but it's just the fear, as I said, you should talk with a sex therapist, and perhaps he can come to a session now and then (as you're comfortable), and work on your fears with you.

Another thing I'd suggest is, learn about sex. Read about it. I don't mean erotica (although feel free to explore that, too, if you desire), but facts and information. There are many good books, and the more you know about sex, the less likely you are to fear it. Reading about sex doesn't mean you have to do it. I read a lot about sex as a teenager, but I didn't have sex until the day before my 23rd birthday.

Whether you want sex now, or later, or if you want to wait until you're married, it's your choice, and none of those options is weird. Your first time should be special, not terrifying and negative.

I'll clarify about the boyfriend thing:
He was the first guy I'd fallen in love with, but I'd never had any experience past kissing. He was more experienced and when he wanted to move things further. I said no and gave my reasons. He said he understood at first and held off for about a week. Then he'd just sort of ...do it anyway. Petting, he'd have me give him handjobs (if that's not too graphic to say). He kept telling me he loved me, and this was ok because he loved me. I was uncomfortable and afraid, but didn't say anything. After all, he loved me; thereby he certainly wouldn't be doing anything to hurt me. I figured therefore the problem was with me. The last guy I'd dated before him broke up with me when I told him no. I didn't want that to happen again, so I just went along with it. Mentally tuned out.

I'm not sure if it counts as abuse because I stopped saying no.

Amalthea, really, it's no big deal. Everyone makes out like it's such a big deal but it really, truely isn't.
My Mom plays this song from Patsy Cline "Is that all there is?" Basically, that's what I thought after I had sex for the first time. I was really disappointed that everyone made such a big whoop about it.
Just get it over with. There's nothing to be afraid of-except use a condom, of coarse-you knew that.
After it's all said and done, I'm sure you'll be like "Why did I make such a big deal out of that?" But you won't have to worry about it anymore.

Jax, I'm sorry but I'd have to disagree. Sex is a MAJOR deal, for many many reasons, and it obviously is for Amalthea. I'm actually really scared of having sex as well, though my boyfriend is absolutely incredible and respectful of me (granted, I'm younger, but inexperience is inexperience, right?).

Amalthea, I can't really add to what Maven said, save to HUGELY reinforce that last line. I was having a conversation once about the fact that I'm still a virgin, and was told, "Well of COURSE you're a virgin--you'd never do it unless it was really perfect, with roses on the bed, candles, silk sheets, everything!"
I replied, "It's not that I'd have all those things, it's that the man I'm with would be willing to go that far."

I know that doesn't really apply to you, but have you ever had a moment when you've been so lost with what you and your BF were doing that you didn't think about taking that next step? Perhaps if it wasn't abrupt, like, "We're having sex today at nine forty five in the living room on the couch! Aren't you excited?" and was more of a natural progression of your intimacy, it'd be less scary.

Basically, though? Go with Maven's post.
luck&love,
~muse

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Amalthea said:
I joined this community so I could ask a question- is it weird to be 23 and a virgin?

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Well, I'm almost 21 and still a virgin. I don't think its a big deal. I know people in their 30s who are still virgins, and no they aren't weird.

It'll happen when it happens, when you really want it to happen. Until then ... you're not weird.

Hi Amalthea

The descision to have sexual intercouse with someone is a very personal descision. As mentioned by others it is more than just the physical act of having sex or making love. For most womyn it is a VERY emotional experience whether it is your 1st time or 100th time having sex. You should have sexual intercouse when YOU are ready. Don't bench mark your sense of what is normal and not normal by your peers or media influences. We all mature emotionally and physically at different rates. And its ok!

I would recommend that you educate yourself about sexual intercouse and sexuality before having sex. For instance:

>Birth Control: what method of birth control would be best for your body and lifestyle?

>STDs and/or STIs: educate yourself on the various types of diseases and viruses that you can contract (as well as images of what the condition looks like and whether or not there is a cure for it).

>Openly discuss sex and sexuality with your intended sexual partner in a non-threatening environment. What are your expectations for sexual intercourse and what are his?

>Explore why you are apprehensive about having sexual intercourse?

>You may have thought about what your first time is going to be like...candles.....flowers......romantic music.......etc......the first time is often not what you may have expected.

>%#@&#! sex: the soft tissue lining the %#@&#! is not as dense as the vagina. Therefore it is easily damaged through %#@&#! intercourse......STIs are easily contracted and if they lining is damaged it is difficult to naturally repair itself and your fecal matter may transfer to your vagina and/or bladder causing major infection. (Please correct me if any of this information is incorrect)

>And above all else USE A CONDOM EACH AND EVERYTIME YOU HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!

Edited at the request of the member. January

Thanks everyone for telling me I'm not weird. It's really helpful to hear that, trust me. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm the only person over 20 who's a virgin.



and is what happened with my ex considered abuse?

Yes, Amalthea, it's abuse, and I'm not a legal expert, but I think what your ex-boyfriend did would be considered a sexual battery. No one has a right to do anything sexually to you, or make you do it to them, period. If you don't wish to, you have the right to refuse. If that refusal is ignored, then a crime is committed. I don't know how the law would see the acts where you didn't say no, but I'm sure a psychologist would have some good arguments in your favor. It's certainly abuse to me, because he knew that you didn't want to in the first place.

Thanks, Muse, for your agreement. I do think sex is a big deal. For most of us, sex is emotional. But even ignoring that--I do believe there are women who can have sex without making an emotional or harmful connection, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not true of the majority of women--sex is a big deal on the physical aspects alone. You want to learn all you can about protecting yourself from pregnancy, STDs, etc., plus how to make the first time more pleasant (for instance, if the guy is gentle and takes the time to help you get aroused, that lubrication will help you accept his penis, and there is likely to be less pain, if any), and find what turns you on. Always remember--your pleasure is as important as his.

Again, you don't have to have sex, just because you learn about it. Some people believe that, if you expose yourself to sex, through erotica, sexy photos, sexual knowledge and health, that you're going to do it. Not so. Like I said, I waited until the day before my 23rd birthday, but I had learned much long before that.

And a guy won't die without sex. A guy who truly cares for you won't dump you because you say no. Your self-respect is more important than a guy who pressures you to do something you don't want to do.

I suggest learning to masturbate, to learn what pleases you. Once you know what touches and moves please you, you can teach a guy to do that to you. Guys don't automatically know, any more than a girl does. Sometimes, we find partners who just happen to do the "right stuff," but if they don't, we can teach them. Again, learning about sex can help you in developing the skills to pleasure yourself (if it doesn't seem to come naturally), and help him learn.

hey there. i don't think it is weird to be 23 and still a virgin. there are still a great number of people who wait until marriage and there are also a number of people who choose not to have sex (sometimes ever) for all kinds of reasons.

i'm really sorry about what happened with your boyfriend. you didn't feel comfortable with what he wanted you to do and while he might have said he loved you his actions weren't very loving :-( knowing that someone doesn't feel right doing something... and getting them to do it anyway... while knowing that they are unhappy about it... that doesn't sound very loving to me :-( i'm sorry you went through that.

i think... that sometimes people have difficulty with sex because of something along the lines of the 'clinton definition of sex'. sorry to be graphic here but many people have a view of sex where sex involves a man putting his penis into a womens vagina and thrusts until he comes. part of it is about your finding out what it is that you like to do without their being any pressure for you to do anything that you don't like to do. masterbating, yeah. then being able to show your partner what to do to please you. figuring out things that you can do that you like to do and that your partner likes too. given your experiences with your other boyfriend i guess it would be fairly understandable if you had a bit of an aversion to that...

> I just plain feel terrified, like I'm going to be punished, hurt. There's a lot of reasons why- religious upbringing, fear of pregnancy, fear that if my parents ever found out they'd never speak to me again and somehow I've connected sex with abuse... We do other things, but I just can't go all the way.

Maybe... You guys could gradually expand without doing the Clinton thing???

With respect to your fears... Are you in therapy at all? It could help to be able to talk about your fears. To be able to talk through some of them.

> My friends all tell me I'm being ridiculous.

I don't think that is fair. It really is a very personal thing and I think it is more important to take things slowly and feel comfortable about the way things are going rather than just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It isn't supposed to be like that :-(

I'd also suggest... Couples therapy? Maybe that would help (don't know if it could be an option).

The following is an article (fairly brief) on 'sensate focusing'. It is one strategy that is used in couples therapy. The notion is to figure out how to enjoy each others bodies WITHOUT orgasm... Then after some time orgasm is introduced... And basically the Clinton thing doesn't happen for quite some time... Sounds to me like you need to go slow and do what is right for you. It might be that you just want to do the sensate thing at this stage... Or it might be that the orgasm thing is okay too... But I think it is really important for you to not do more than you feel comfortable with. If you force yourself then you are likely to make the problem worse and end up dissociating during sex or seriously developing an aversion or something (which is treated in a similar way though it takes much longer).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensate_focusing

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE SEX THING!!!!!
IT WILL COME WHEN YOU WANT IT TOO AND SHOULD NOT COME BEFORE THEN. I AGREE WITH MOST THAT YOU NEED TO LEARN ABOUT THE WHOLE SEX THING FIRST. AND DON'T FEEL BAD THAT YOUR STILL A VIRGIN,
NO REAL BIG DEAL, I STILL CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A VIRGIN AT 35 YEARS OLD. I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED AND RAPED MANY TIMES BUT I HAVE NEVER ONCE IN MY LIFE HAD WANTED SEXUAL INTERCORSE, SO DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THE WHOLE I'M 21,22,OR 23, AND I'M STILL A VIRGIN. LIKE I SAID I'M 35. I JUST HAVEN'T FOUND THE RIGHT GUY THAT I WOULD CHOSE FOR MY SPECIAL MOMENT AND I BELIEVE SEX SHOULD BE SPECIAL. WHEN YOU FIND THE PERFECT SOMEONE YOU WILL JUST START TO HAVE MORE AND MORE FEELING FOR THEM AND THEN ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER AND YOUR RELAXED AND FEELING GOOD ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON THAT YOU'LL WANT TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCORSE WITH SOMEONE AND MAYBE THAT TIME FOR YOU MIGHT BE AFTER YOU GET MARRIED AND YOU'VE SPENT TIME WITH SOMEONE AND YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THIS PERSON THAT YOU CAN SHARE YOUR FEAR'S AND WORK THEM OUT TOGETHER!!!!!
I KNOW IN THE MEDIA SEX IS LIKE A HAVE TO DO THING AND LETS FACE IT KIDS ARE GETTING YOUNGER AND YOUNGER AND FEEL LIKE THERE FORCED TO HAVE SEX BECAUSE THERE "SUPPOSE TO" BUT IN REAL LIFE NO ONE HAS TO HAVE SEX, IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR GOING TO DIE WITHOUT IT, SO MY BEST ADVICE IS TO 1. LEARN MORE ABOUT SEX 2.FIND OUT WHY YOU HAVE THE FEARS YOU DO AND TRY AND WORK THRU THEM 3. RELAX ABOUT THE WHOLE AGE THING
4. REALLY DECIDE IF THIS GUY YOUR WITH IS RIGHT FOR YOU, (I SAY THAT BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD ONLY HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU REALLY TRULY CARE FOR, SOME PEOPLE MAY YELL AT ME FOR SAYING THAT BUT IT'S WHAT I BELIEVE. AND LAST #5.
DON'T BE IN A HURRY YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, RELAX, AND BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!!!!

i agree with maven and of course abuse and being taken adventage of counts! it may be one of the main reasons.

wouldn`t you like to talk to a therapist about it?

I'm afraid that everyone I know will be disappointed in me/hate me if I do. I also realized while thinking about this the other day that part of my problem is I'm terrified of ever being pregnant. I thought, "If there was no way I could get pregnant, I might do it." A lot of my friends have kids and every time one of them got pregnant I thought "how scary." I lived with a girl through her whole pregnancy, birth, and with her son for a little while. The whole process gave me the nightmares.

God. I am so abnormal.

The others are right, it's a really individual thing, and don't let anyone pressure you into it! I personally love it, and was hesistant at first, but waited until I was sure I was into it. It's better to take your time than to do something you might regret. And if you never do it, that's fine too. There's plenty of other ways to express love...

Good luck, and look after yourself k?

-Meander