HIV scare Paranoid Suicide Contemplation

I am self-diagnosed manic, I have an extremely high sex drive I am impulsive in certain ways. Lately I have been having a lot of these off-the-wall sexual fantasies with transsexuals. I ended up Encountering a transsexual whom I have been speaking with for over a year. We engaged in oral sex, we also had **** sex as well. He used a condom and the condom did not break. Nor did he ejaculate. He swears up and down he's clean and actually got angry with me, because I keep accusing him of having HIV (paranoia). I'm worried that some how his left over semen was on top of the condom (from his hands putting it on) when he penetrated me. I am overwhelmed with guilt and would never do such a thing again as in its not something I liked at all. I keep thinking that all gay/transsexuals are infected with HIV. Even using protection I am still freaking out, it's only been 5 days since this encounter. I had sex with my ex recently as well who's a girl (I'm straight, was just curious) and I used a condom which she thought was unusual. Anyways the condom broke now I have nobody....

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I'm so sorry you feel this way. A lot of times we make unwanted choices during mania. try not to beat yourself up. I would recommend going to a Pdoc to see if meds can help stabilize your moods.
Try not to think too much about everything. I would recommend getting checked to help ease your fears and allow you to know for Certain.

I know it's so hard not to dwell and think deeply but try to distract yourself as best as you can.

Hang in there!!

Hello NoWhereToTurn

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Hooli

I don't want bodily destructive meds, I need to go see someone to talk to instead. My mania is nowhere near as bad like a lot of people I know. I'm more HPYOmania. Anyways, a HIV test is most accurate 12 weeks after exposure and it's only been well, a week.

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hi nowheretoturn
maybe talking to someone at a clinic and receiving some education about the transmission of aids would lessen your worry about having caught it. it certainly sounds as if you practiced safe sex. then when the intrusive thoughts pop into your head you can counteract them with the facts you have learned. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Nowheretoturn1989!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you can join chats.

You mentioned hypomania and paranoia. Both of these indicate your hypomania is severe enough to be affecting your life in a negative way. Counseling since you seem to be open to this should be started as soon as possible. Mania can be very destructive! You may want to see a professional just to get a definitive diagnosis.

Some forums:

Bipolar - Forums at Psych Central

But we didn't use a condom for oral sex. Is this an issue? I heard it's very very rare that transition through mouth can occur.

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I did practice safe sex besides the oral. How is the HIV transmission through oral?

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You really should go to a clinic for a test, to put your mind at ease (well, you know what I mean). You must know.

Sorry this happened. You really need to be careful with sex workers, etc, although it would be illegal to infect partners if they KNEW they had say HIV or AIDS. You probably could take legal action. It would not undo what occurred etc, but I think you should get tested now.

The antibodies wouldn't even show up at this time. It takes 12 weeks. The individual states he is clean. Swears up and down he's clean. Like I said, we used a condom but the only thing that was unsafe was oral. I have to wait for it to be accurate at all.

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Hi,
First of all: calm down. You're losing perspective. You're going to be just fine

I know it seems easy for me to say that to you, but believe me I'd been in your shoes 7 years ago.

During my manic episodes I had sex with many guys in a short amount of time, and sometimes I was completely reckless.

After depression kicked in I was 100% sure I had HIV.

I read every online material I could find about HIV, I read it over and over again about the symptoms, I thought I had all of them. I would neurotically do self body checks looking for swollen lymph nodes.
I felt everyday that HIV was spreading all over my body. I was clearly paranoid.

I had 6 HIV tests in a period of 6 months. They were all negative but I would not believe any of them, in my mind I KNEW I had HIV, I thought the labs were doing something wrong.

By the end I managed to go to an Infectologist. I took all the exams results with me and showed them to him and told him I was really convinced I had HIV and I was going to die.

He was surprised to see me like that with some much conviction, he looked at all the exams and said very strongly that I did not have it, and I would not get any other result other than the ones I already had. Then he explained to me that even if I had it, I could live a very healthy life.

So, my recommendation is: wait until it completes 12 weeks and get your test done. I am sure the result will be negative.

Now rest a little