Strange fetishes - help?

Yesterday morning I got up earlier than normal and found my boyfriend was already up, I sneaked downstairs to see what he was up to (in a playful way I had no suspicions!) he was on his computer and I saw a video playing although I do not know what of - he saw me and immediately unplugged the computer without shutting it down...he would never do this as I saw he also had his web design programmes running so will have lost work on the back of it. I asked him what it was and after a while of a calm disagreement he admitted to me he has strange fetishes, I thought I had heard everything there is to hear but this shocked me...he admitted he likes watching extreme domination - this includes things I've never even dreamt up like gigantic women torturing tiny men, men being seriously hurt by women (I won't go into details), he admitted he was watching gay porn too although he claims he's not gay but was doing it as he would see this as a form of torture for him, he says he watches rape, snuff, hidden camera and toilet porn too but worst of all he admitted to watching videos of small animals (baby mice and bugs) being crushed and stamped on by women in heels - I feel physically sick and don't know how to deal with this, I have questioned him for 24 hours over it and he says it's not the fact the animal is being crushed it's the fact the woman is dominant enough to extinguish life. He claims they are just fantasies and things he thinks about and wouldn't actually do any of them...plus he doesn't want to be the one doing harm anyway he fantasises about being the harmed but that he thinks he has a problem as he is spending time alone at work watching the videos and his lunch breaks are spent looking at them too - he is such a kind and caring man, like I've never met before but I don't know if I can cope with this? He says he will stop watching them but how can I believe him when he's done it for 20 years and has only just been caught out? Should I leave him? Is there any help he can get? I have no one to talk to as how could I explain this behaviour to a friend and expect them to look him in the eye again....I just do not know what to do.

I understand that this was a shock but take a deep breath close your eyes and count to 10. Well maybe a 100.

Now the good news. He loved you enough that he admitted what was no doubt something he has hidden from everyone his entire life. A secret that he may have wrestled with for a long time.

You husband sounds like a mastacist.
noun 1. Psychiatry. a person who has masochism, the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

This is different from a sadist
noun 1. Psychiatry. a person who has the condition of sadism, in which one receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another.
2. a person who enjoys being cruel.

It is important to remember that this is not a different man then the one you have always loved, you've just discovered a different facet of his personality.

The bad news is that fetishes in my experience tend to be part of us for life. Personally I can deny my fetish for a time (sometimes years) but the longer I do the stronger the pull becomes when it comes back. Denying it is denying who you are it would be like being gay and marring a woman its not healthy. There is the possibility that therapy can help discover the root causes as to why he has the fetish but it rarely if ever cures it.

The best approach is to take time to look at S&M from a researchers perspective. Don't just type S&M in Google or you may be shocked. Acclimate yourself to it. There are asspects that may not be so shocking such as spanking, blindfolds, tying up, calling him names. If you are comfortable with some of these discuss that you would like to indulge his fantasies but lay down very specific rules or boundaries. If you do this it may help curb the urge to look elsewhere to fulfill the urge. In fact you could use this opprotunity to role play humiliating him about it.

If you can't indulge it then its perhaps best to let him continue as he was doing. Follow a don't ask don't tell policy as it were. If you're unable to do this then it would be in both of your intrest to see a marriage councler and see if they can help resolve any issues.

The last thing and I wouldn't do it without talking to him first but he may like being humiliated by telling a friend about it.

I wish you the best of luck. Just remember this doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

So he has fetishes....don't we all? I just don't understand the problem if he's not asking you to participate. Why is this something he "needs help with." It's not a sickness! So he's into bdsm. He probably didn't tell you bec you reacted exactly like he thought.

Wow! Living Dead Guy (and I thought I had a unique screen name :-)), your quote "It is important to remember that this is not a different man then the one you have always loved, you've just discovered a different facet of his personality" was one of the most beautifully shared that I've heard for the advice you've given. I do hope the reader takes your wonderful advice to heart...Thank you for sharing it!

I agree with Patagonia, he's not the one with the problem, you are the one with the problem with him. Yes, there is a whole other world out there called BDSM, and those fetishes are actually quite common despite how unusual it sounds. I'd recommend that you see a counselor to accept this part of his life, because odds are he has accepted this as part of who he is. And if he says he won't do any of this in real life, it will never be an issue for him, but don't deny him his fetish simply because you're afraid of it.

I don't understand what he needs help with either.


I also don't understand why you would want to tell your friends something so private about SOMEONE ELSE...

How is his bedroom business any of their business? Would you be okay with him discussing what you like in the bedroom with his buddies???

Their opinion wouldn't matter if you didn't give them something to have an opinion about.


You don't mind his food, beverage or color preferences, why mind what he looks at?


Now... If HE thinks he should cut back, or he's bordering on obsessive or addiction, then by all means, help him seek help. But don't go attempting to cure the man because you're unable to understand him.


Ps. I don't mean to sound mean, but the fact that you've considered leaving him over something, which in essence, has zero impact on your life.... Well now that speaks volumes about you and your idea of love.

I'm going to jump in here and disagree. If he is watching snuff films (of people getting murdered) in order to get sexual kicks, rape films of people being sexually assaulted and violated and possibly left with years of emotional trauma, then he *IS* the one with issues and he is contributing to the pain and death of others by downloading and watching these videos; creating a part of the market.

There is nothing wrong with *consensual, adult, fully informed* BDSM. However, snuff, rape, toilet; these are all degrading, disempowering, possibly harmful, possibly causing death. That is NOT BDSM. That is sickness. With my apologies to the above posters, I take offense to this being called healthy.

He needs help. He *is* the one with a problem. LittlePoppy, you are right to be concerned. I would suggest counseling for both of you. If he is a sex addict, then while it seems unthinkable, it can spiral down further and further until he *is* doing things he couldn't have found imaginable to do a year or ten earlier. I'm pretty sure that there was a time he would have found the idea of watching someone die on camera and getting off on it to be repugnant, and now it's a norm. This *can* spiral (I am not saying it will, but it can.) Please find help for both of you.

There's nothing wrong with having BDSM fantasies, rape fantasies, murder fantasies, torture fantasies, or any fantasies, for that matter. Fantasies are fantasies; they aren't real. Extreme domination/BDSM films are 100% okay for him to watch, because they involve consenting parties. Consensual toilet porn is fine. Trust me, I know people who are interested in some weird stuff, and it's perfectly okay.

There's nothing wrong with watching gay porn, either, and watching it doesn't make him gay. I know gay men who watch lesbian porn, lesbians who watch gay porn, straight women who watch lesbian porn... you name it.

Basically, fantasies are okay and the films are okay if all parties have consented.

However...

Rape, snuff, hidden cams, toilet porn (if it's not consensual), and animal murder films are VERY problematic. It's okay to have fetish/kinks, engage in BDSM, and enjoy watching pornography of that variety. All of those can be enjoyable, and plenty of people dabble in them. Some of the things your boyfriend is watching are not BDSM at all. As Azafadaza said, there's something very wrong with this, because this doesn't involve consent. The murder victims did not consent to being killed. The rape victims did not consent to being filmed. Saying that it's okay for him to watch rape and snuff films is like saying it's okay for him to watch child pornography.

I honestly don't know what you should do, but people who say this isn't a cause for concern are entirely wrong.

IMO, I think it comes down to whether what he's watching is CNC type porn. I guess you'd have to list the websites & video names to find this out. We really don't know except what the OP wrote.
He says he likes watching rape porn. Is that CNC or not? I'm not sure. She'll have to find out more details.

I agree. That's what I meant. But if I'm just going off of what she's saying, I can still be certain that some of the films are definitely not CNC ( animal murder, for example, can't be CNC). Obviously, the rape films and hidden cams can be CNC.

As clarification for anyone who doesn't know what CNC means, it's consensual non-consent.

UCMATH is absolutely correct: the animal torture/abuse/murder films are certainly not consensual, and I'd say I would have a rational reason to believe that the majority of snuff films wouldn't be, either. I also stand by my conviction that this can spiral into more and more troubling grounds.

UCMATH is also correct in that there is nothing wrong with having fantasies, but if someone is genuinely harming themselves or others with these fantasies, or desperately desiring to be harmed, then that is a sign that there are pathological issues that need to be dealt with with a therapist. Yes, even in consensual BDSM, there can be issues that do need help from a therapist; I've known several people in "the life" who found that their fantasies stemmed from some ugly places inside and they needed help. I've known others that were quite enmeshed in some pretty hardcore BDSM but were emotionally healthy.

What leads me to think that this is a full-blown sexual compulsion/addiction and thus has the propensity to spiral into more and more destructive and self destructive behaviours is the fact that he is watching these films at work and during his lunch break. Snuff films are certainly illegal, and the animal torture ones are, as well. Rape films, if they are not consensual, are illegal. He is risking his job in order to get his kicks, and he is apparently making watching these videos the primary focus of every day. This is not behaviour to be expected from a casual porno viewer, who tends to not endanger his working environment for it.

LittlePoppy, you're not crazy. He's not a mass murdering bad guy, but he is a man who needs help. This is not "normal" BDSM and you are absolutely right to be concerned about this.

I think this is POTENTIALLY problematic. It is problematic if, as numerous people have stated, the rape porn etc. is not consensual. I just figured the rape, snuff etc. was not real, but roleplaying. If it IS real, it is problematic. I mean, I can still understand where he's getting from (I have some pretty extreme fantasies myself, which I have never told anyone about and possibly never will) - some people just get turned on by the thought of extreme domination and submission, or control. But there is a difference by getting turned on, sort of, by the fantasy of it and watching movies where crimes are committed to real people. I mean, a lot of people - men and women - have fantasies of rape and extreme control, but most of them would get disgusted and horrified by real rape (there is also a small minority of people with these fantasies who would get aroused, but they would still intellectually understand how wrong it was). Most women who fantasize about rape don't actually want to get raped. It is an awful, life-shattering crime which steals your self-esteem and self-worth, your safety and your bodily autonomy. But a lot of these women would still fantasize about it, because a fantasy is always a product of your mind and can't actually hurt you. I am guessing it is the same with men who fantasize about raping someone, it is the fantasy of the control aspect that appeals to them, actually raping them is a mile away from fantasizing about it. The same with people who fantasize about having sex with children or minors: It's often the taboo/innocence aspect of it that turns them on, and most of them would feel sick and angry about people doing these things to children in the real world. To people who don't have these fantasies, this can be impossible to understand. It is still important, though: Having violent or "illegal" fantasies does not mean these people want to be violent, outside of potential safe role-playing environment. There is a reason trust is a codeword in BDSM, for instance, those establishments, clubs etc. don't tolerate people who even threaten to break the established rules for it.

The animal killing is bad, sure, but it's not all as bad as REAL snuff films, if that's what he's watching (which I have problems with believing, that he could do for 20 years without being caught for). I understand his reasoning, his problems seem to stem from a difficulty to separate his fantasies from reality, in the way that he doesn't want to - or care to - understand that the people and animals in those movies are real, living things. In this way, I believe he needs help. He sounds like an addict either way, and one of the sympthoms of porn addiction is that you constantly need rougher and rougher movies to satisfy your lust. Some research suggests this can lead to less empathy (as it can mean you get desensitized to these issues in real life) for some, as they stop caring about the actors in the movies being real. IOW, not being able to distinguish between fantasy or reality - or, because their addiction escalates, it's not enough to watch "make believe" movies anymore, it's not a turn on when you know they're just acting. If he is at this level of addiction - which it kind of sounds like - he needs help. Because that means he is heading down a very, very dark path. It all depends on whether the movies are consensual and whether or not he has any desire to see this happening in real life/without it being an act. That is what you need to figure out.

The good news, is that - even if he will never stop having these desires - there are alternatives. First of all, consensual movies with these extreme themes (which I hope is what he's watching anyways). Second of all, sex stories. Yes, I am serious. It's not as graphic, but it does the trick (and can go MUCH further than the movies, because it's a story and not a movie with actual people acting). I am sure that regardless of the level of extremity to his fantasies, he will find some that please. I know of some places he can look, I am not sure you are allowed to post names etc. of other webpages here, but you can message me about it.

I mostly agree with you. This is where we differ. Then again, I'm pretty extreme when it comes to doing no harm to animals.