"your pain is only in your mind" doc told me

I posted here some time ago about pain during sex.
I went to two doctors and they both told me that physically everything is okay, last doc told me to see therapist because these pain during sex is in my mind, it's psychological, he doesn't find anything that can cause me pain except my own mind.
I took painkillers in higher doses but I still felt the pain. When I take painkillers it hurts less but still it's horrible for me to have sex. I'm wondering how can it be- even opiates don't take away these pain and physically everything is perfect.
I think it's crazy. It makes me think- I need stronger pain killers but then I am almost in coma while making love, it usually happens when I'm on painkillers and alcohol so I'm relaxed and still feel pain.
I tried to do it sober but pain was unbearable. It's not only pain i feel, I feel pain almost everyday, my chronic headaches, my migraine.

I think I'm hopeless. I feel raped every time I have sex. I know it's because of trauma but even talking about in therapy doesn't help me.
I think there is nothing I can do.
My boyfriend knows about my pain and he understands me and doesn't press me to do it if it hurts but I want it, I want it but can't.

lunatic soul, I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what to say to help... Good on you for seeing your doctors to see if it is a problem like vaginismus. Good on you for seeing your therapist. I encourage you to continue seeing your therapist and maybe even consider bringing your boyfriend along. It is wonderful that he is supportive of you. I'm sending you a virtual hug!

I'm sorry for your struggles. Sex has been painful for me too lately - penetration just feels like an invasion, not something to be looked forward to. I've found that if I'm really good and worked up before penetration then it doesn't hurt so much and I can even enjoy myself a little. But it's hard to get worked up enough, hard for me to even orgasm these days (on my own or with my husband.) I've also gone to the doc, gotten a pelvic exam, and received a clean bill of health.

The doctor who told you "it's all in your head" is a jerk, because he/she makes it sound like this is something you should be able to control, like you're choosing to do this to yourself. What an asshole. No one would choose this. This reminds me of the "medical professionals" who tell depressed people to just "pull yourself up by your boot straps". Like, if it was that easy, of course everyone would do that and there would be no depressed people.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this helps at all, but please know you're not alone, and we're here for support. Hugs.

Lunatic Soul,

I too feel for you, it can be as devastating being told by a doctor that the problem is in your head, than the original condition is. I find it very unprofessional and irresponsible for a doctor to tell anyone that if they can't find a physical source of a problem, that it's a pyschological issue.

I suffer from the opposite of your condition, instead of feeling pain during intercourse, I feel nothing...I've lost the sensation in my genitals. I can still get aroused, get an erection...but as I can't feel I lose the erection, go soft, and many times either do not ejaculate or ejaculate without an orgasm. I know it is very hard on my wife as well as myself.

But the day when the doctor told me that because he can't find a cause for the loss of sensation (I've injured my back at L3-S1, but not at S3/4 where genital nerves come from), that it must be in my head, I started a major downwards spiral. You see, what complicated the matter is that I'm bisexual and the doctor stated that perhaps my loss of sensation is from some level of guilt over my sexuality, or perhaps that I'm actually gay, that I'm not attracted to my wife and that I'm just going soft because I'm not attracted to women.

From that meeting I started questionning everything I had ever done, from my first homosexual relationship as a teen to getting married and having kids with my wife. I started avoiding sex, spent some significant time masturbating to gay/bisexual porn, and became emotionally distant from my wife and children...and none of them knew why.

What bothered me so much...my wife knew of my sexuality since we first met, I've always accepted my sexuality (it's part of who I am). Being a logical person, I tried to find justifications for things. At one point and time I even thought of finding a gay or bisexual guy to have sex with just to see if I would "feel" with him.

In the end, I saw a sex therapist both to help me "re-accept" my sexuality and to help me reconnect intimately with my wife. The first thing the therapist told me was that she couldn't help me with my physical loss of sensation, but could help me accept and cope with it. It has taken me years to get back even close to where I was before that doctor filled my head with nonsense and doubt, and I still have to work at it...the thought still crosses my mind from time to time if I should find a guy and see if it cures me. The problem with that is it recreates doubt and guilt.

I know that this is your thread, but I really wanted to share with you that you are not alone in essentially having been "mentally/emotionally tortured/assaulted" by thoughtless remarks by a doctor.

have you looked into EMDR? perhaps if talking about the trauma doesn't seem to do anything, maybe this could help get it out of your body and resolved?
(((hugs)))

Can you tell me what is EMDR?

Thank you all.

I was thinking about it and it seems that something inside me is against sex. I was kissing and touching hard with my just friend and we almost had sex but next day I felt so guilty and horrible about it.
I have many conflicts with my boyfriend, I thought our relationship is over but then we got together again. I don't want to sleep with him Sex is horrible for me, I want to die after sex, it makes me feel sick and guilty and abused. I'm so tired of trying to help myself, now I want to escape from sex and it means I have to leave my boyfriend because he gets mad too often and want sex every time we meet.
Physically I want sex but emotionally I can't so it may be the reason.

EMDR may help. It is a way of reprogramming your brain. It involves taps and eye movements and thoughts.

I have used it to deal with issues stemming from rape. I used to hate all affection and touches. I still have monumental issues, but i can at least hold my H's hand now, or let him rub my back if it is sore.

Please check your physical compatibility with your partner.

As per Kamasutra, there are mismatches between size of vagina and size of penis which can lead to pain and dis-satisfaction. If your vagina is much smaller than his penis, then sex will be painful

You need to do EMDR by yourself or see therapist who does it?
I was raped too, I can't get over it no matter what I do, maybe I would if I met real guy for me, it would be better, I don;t know, sex is something painful and horrible for me, I like touching etc but not when he f... me, I don;t feel anything that would make me feel good and waiting when it will be over.