Where has my sex drive gone?

So for at least the last year, I've just had no interest in sex. I rarely get turned on, and its very hard for me to get in the mood at all.

I've posted previously about problems with sex (penetration) hurting, and I'm pretty sure now that this was a result of not being turned on enough. When I can manage to get myself off before we start, then penetration doesn't hurt so much - and I've even managed to enjoy myself a bit when I can do that first.

The problem is that even with masturbation (manual or vibrator) I rarely seem to be able to orgasm well - or it takes me so long to get worked up and over the edge that it makes it feel more like a chore than anything else. I know it's frustrating my husband, because his sex drive has always been on overdrive, and he wants me pretty much all the time. I can tell it hurts him (emotionally) to have to hold back with me... We used to have such a great and satisfying sex life. I miss it, I want it back, but I have no idea how to get it back...

It's so frustrating because even when he's giving me what I want, and what used to work for me in the past, it doesn't make my body respond like it used to. Case in point: Last night he spent more than an hour kissing me all over, touching, caressing, holding me close, everything I used to love and doing exactly what I wanted - but my body didn't respond. No getting turned on, no getting wet, nothing. No matter how much I tried to focus in on the sensations, or think of sexy things, I just could not get my body to cooperate. (It didn't help that he'd just trimmed his beard, so with every kiss I was also getting sharp pokes in my skin, but that's only a mild irritation.) I end up feeling so guilty and horrible when it takes me forever to get worked up, especially when it gives hubby hand cramps. So then I'm busy feeling bad about it taking so long, so then I'm not enjoying it, so then it takes even longer... ugh

I just felt so awful, all I wanted was to spend a nice evening loving my husband, but my body just wouldn't let me. I ended up giving him head till he got off, and he fell asleep pretty shortly afterwards.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've tried everything. I just want things to be like they were, when everything was easy, I was hot and ready to go all the time, and he could make me cum without even touching me. He used to be able to get me to cum multiple times, over and over again, it was wonderful.

I'm not on any depression meds which would inhibit my sex drive. I am seeing a therapist, and that is sortof helping, in the sense that it's nice to have someone to talk to and get these things off my chest. Hubby and I do talk a lot, we are open and honest with each other, but it's hard to talk to him about this stuff. How do I explain all this without making him feel like it's his fault, or that he's doing something wrong?

Thanks for any advice or support - I could really use it today. *sobs*

I can relate to this to a degree. I wonder, how are your stress levels? Do you have anxiety? And depending on how old you are, maybe it has something to do with hormones as well.

Sirensong18, from what you've described of your body not being responsive, it is very likely that your husband has already noticed that something is off. I understand how it's difficult to talk about this stuff and how it's important to not make your partner feel that it is his fault.

Have there been any major life changes from the time you had a satisfying sex life to now? Anything that caused depression, anxiety, etc.? Other things that have absolutely nothing to do with sex have the power to considerably impact one's sex life.

I've just skimmed through your previous posts on PC and noticed some themes... depression, lack of a positive self image and sense of personal accomplishment, insecurity with the growth of your marriage and your husband's values (and how you spend an unequal amount of time on doing household chores while working full time).

All those things can definitely affect your sex life even though they may not have much to do directly with sex. I would assume it's a stuggle to even put those problems out of your mind so you can try to get 'in the mood'. And then further sexual difficulties (like pain from penetration) stem from an inability to be sufficiently turned on.

Where has my sex drive gone? - I'm going to guess it's gone the same direction where your self esteem had vanished. A lot of times it would indicate a low self esteem. And if it's not then you don't find your husband sexually attractive any more. Do other guys turn you on? Why not taking a break and not see each other for a couple of weeks?

When I get married, my partner and I will be sleeping in separate rooms always. We will see each other only when we are well groomed and after shower. You spend every night with the same person for months and years, you see them drool, in the same underwear, untidy hair, bad morning breath, farts etc. and then we wonder where has the sex drive gone.

On the other hand, being a pan-sexual asexual or asexual pansexual I consider sex is only for procreation and occasional hot sex sessions when both partners are absolutely aroused. It is not normal for sex drive to be there between the same people for months and years, IT IS NORMAL and NATURAL for it to die out because this is how it is designed by nature - you have sex, then tend to your partner until they give birth and then men leave to find other partners to procreate. I'm not saying this is what people should do but understanding our genes and nature is crucial. So its ok to have sex when your first meet frequently but the longer you are together the longer should be periods between sex sessions. And the rest of the time you concentrate on knowing each other better, engaging in common activities i.e. enjoying life. People make mistake thinking if sex life is bad then everything else is ruined. Life doesn't revolve around sex, it supposed to be just a small, physical part of it, the rest is self development, improving your intellectual and creative abilities because this is what makes us human.